by | September 3, 2023 · 6:05 pm

Gentle Parenting

WARNING: Chrissy rant ahead.

CLICK https://www.youtube.com/shorts/vrcc89cf6W8 to hear a comedian mock “gentle parenting.” This parenting theory isn’t really about spanking vs. not spanking. At its best, it incorporates tried and tested parenting methods. At its worst, it advocates pandering to your kids rather than raising them to be responsible, morally upright adults.

One site claims that “gentle parenting” is different from “traditional parenting” in that it supposedly focuses on “age-appropriate development” rather than “punishment and reward.” Yeah, no. Some of the stuff they cite I learned from my mom (born in 1914) and some is stuff I found worked well with my kids (born in the early 1980s).

  1. Give choices not commands.
  2. Use playfulness to make chores more fun or to diffuse tension.
  3. Invite children to participate in making decisions that affect them.
  4. Forgive when they apologize.
  5. Apologize and ask for forgiveness when you get it wrong.
  6. Label the behavior, not the kid.

I also really like giving kids permission to say “No, thank you” to somebody who wants to get into their personal space. I remember being pawed by a drunken friend of my parents at a party, but when I complained, my mother snarled at me about how important it was that I not embarrass them in front of their friends. So not cool.

But really … imo, some of this “gentle parenting” stuff is just whacked out. For example, not requiring kids to say “please” and “thank you.” Oh, come on! Manners grease the wheels of society. They need to be taught early and often.

The fact that “gentle parenting” was first proposed in the late 1980s suggests it has had a lot to do with the absurd behaviors we’ve seen on college campuses in recent years. Take this rule for example: “Allow feelings to run their course. Rather than saying “shoosh”, or yelling “stop!”, parents actively listen to crying. They may say, “you have a lot of/strong feelings about [situation].” Yeah, maybe … in some circumstances. Just be careful not to teach your kids that they can use tantrums to get what they want when they want it.

I remember the Big Car Seat Battle we had with Mama Buzz. She had tried to unbuckle on an earlier trip, so I had pulled over, gotten out to put her back, and informed her that staying buckled was not negotiable. The next time, Daddy was driving, so she tried to push his buttons. I was there, so she didn’t get out of her car seat, but she did scream at the top of her lungs and thrash around for a long, long time. Dearest said, “What should we do?” I told him, “Keep. On. Driving.” Eventually, she realized that she was not getting any attention, but she was getting a nasty headache and stopped. We never had any car seat battles with #2 and #3, because it was obvious from #1’s behavior that kids got buckled and stayed buckled. Period.

Another “gentle parenting” theory that strikes me as blatantly absurd is that is no such thing as bad behavior. “There are only unmet needs.” That’s just … no.

Even worse, “gentle parenting” equates even the suggestion of a negative consequence with actual violence. Warning a kid, “If you continue to do this, then that will happen” is violence, even when “that” is something as benign as a time out or appropriate as a loss of a privilege.

One site says that when some behavior is hurting someone else, you say things like, “Pulling the dog’s tail hurts him. I will not allow you to do that.” Then it goes on to explain that this involves “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It’s about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating.” That may work well with kids who have very compliant personalities. Mine were all very strong-willed. They would’ve steamrollered us if we hadn’t had a “that’s enough talk, now you do what you’re told” rule.

Another site talks about setting clear expectations. E.g., “If bedtime is always at 8 p.m., try not to deviate from that. If you put your foot down on a decision, stand your ground.” But there is no explanation for what constitutes putting your foot down. I’ve seen so many episodes of Supernanny where a very strong-willed kid has been allowed to run roughshod over the entire household, making parents and siblings miserable. Supernanny’s methods work, but so far as I can tell, they are not approved of by the GP gurus.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) suggests the key to this parenting approach is teaching, not punishing. Well yes and no. I’m all for teaching. It’s the way I was raised, it’s the way I raised my girls, and it’s what Supernanny advocates. I totally agree that when a kid does not understand what the boundaries are, then they don’t deserve a negative consequence for crossing them. However, when you’ve explained the rules and the reasons for the rules and the consequences for breaking the rules, and you’ve even given them a “next time” warning, then by golly, that consequence had better come immediately after the first repetition.

But I was told by a “Gentle Parent” that even having rules is violence. According to him, my telling my girls, “If you don’t stop hitting each other, I’m going to turn off this movie and return it”, was an act of violence. Furthermore, when they continued and I stopped the video and returned it to the rental store*, that was another act of violence.

*I think they thought I’d want to see the end of Titanic too much to actually follow through on my threat. However, being a good parent was much more important to me than seeing a movie. Plus, I knew how it would end. The boat sank.

I asked him if he believed in sin or in raising his kids to become mature, functioning members of society. He ignored both questions and proceeded to explain how I should have gotten down on the floor with them, found out what unmet needs they were expressing by poking, slapping and kicking each other, then done everything in my power to meet those unmet needs, so that they would choose to stop their undesirable behavior.

It’s amazing how good my kids turned out. His, meanwhile, aren’t even teen-agers yet.

1 Comment

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One response to “Gentle Parenting”

  1. bluebird of bitterness's avatar bluebird of bitterness
    September 4, 2023 at 5:33 pm

    I never knew you were such a violent person, Chrissy… 😀

    Liked by 1 person