Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—News media outlets around the country were reportedly astonished to discover a Christian school at which second lady Karen Pence is teaching holds their students and staff to Christian beliefs.

Expert journalists went to great lengths to uncover this story, unveiling the shocking revelation that a Christian woman teaches at a Christian school that affirms Christian doctrine on human sexuality that has been unchanged for 2,000 years.

“It is the current year, and Christian schools still have the nerve to teach Christian things,” said a CNN commentator. “I will now glare at the camera in silence for the remainder of the program so you know just how upset I am by this.” He only lasted 3 minutes, however, before going on a tirade about something Trump said on Twitter.

“We don’t hate Christians,” said a writer for one left-leaning blog. “We just hate Christians who believe Christian things.”

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several aides sat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez down Monday to show to her how her radical, socialist tax plans simply don’t add up, explaining how she needs to make radical changes if she’s going to make any headway implementing her policies. 

In response to the cold, hard numbers that shredded her economic plans, Ocasio-Cortez pointed out that she was being unfairly targeted by objective facts because she’s a woman and a minority.

“When my economic plans are revealed to be hopelessly flawed, it becomes obvious that numbers have a deep-seated, institutional bias against me because I’m a woman,” she said. “Would the numbers call this stuff out if I were a man? No, of course they wouldn’t. Mathematical facts are simply not comfortable with a powerful, strong woman like me.” Continue reading →

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From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN—The Lord of all creation has reportedly bumped up the scheduled date for the consummation of all things after briefly checking Twitter Monday morning and verifying that things are much worse off than they were a year, a month, or even a week ago.

The timeframe to kick off the end times has been set in stone from eternity past, but the Almighty agreed to push it forward “just a little bit” after staring into the abyss of Twitter this morning.

“It was immediately apparent that things needed to be pushed up,” said one heavenly representative. “Both sides of every single ongoing discussion on Twitter were just flaming, trolling, and talking past one another. It was a total cesspool.” Continue reading →