Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Duffel Blog.

THE PENTAGON – Retired Marine Gen. Jim Mattis has made it clear that he is in fact no one’s secretary.

In an effort to better align the title of his office with the duties and obligations he executes, sources say that Mattis will unilaterally change his title from Secretary of Defense to First Lord of Destruction.

One senior defense official said that other titles considered were Purveyor of Devastation and America’s Mighty Hammer of Righteousness. However, First Lord of Destruction had a nice “Marine Corps meets Sith Lord” kind of ring to it, the source said.

“If any of you sons of bitches calls me secretary, I’ll punch you right in the throat,” Mattis told members of the press in a recent briefing.

“I’ll call him whatever he wants,” one visibly shaken undersecretary of defense told reporters, on condition of anonymity. “Just as long as he doesn’t hurt me again. I called him Mr. Secretary once and he punched me right in the throat.”

Meanwhile, Mattis has also criticized others in the administration for what he refers to as “pansy” titles, such as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Joe Dunford.

“Chairman?” Mattis asked rhetorically during a White House meeting, according to an administration source. “Boring! How about Peerless Leader of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse?”

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From The Duffel Blog.

RAQQA, Syria — The self-proclaimed Islamic State has issued a statement condemning self-proclaimed comedian Kathy Griffin, accusing her of “cultural appropriation” after she posed for a photograph with a mock severed head of President Donald Trump.

The group, which has been protective of its brand ever since taking over vast swaths of Iraq and Syria and establishing itself as the premier beheading agency in the Middle East, said it was deeply disturbed by Griffin’s “ignorant and offensive” use of a “sacred Islamic State tradition.”

“This is just another example of a privileged white woman culturally appropriating the proud custom of a marginalized people. Beheadings are our thing, not your thing,” said the statement, which was released on Telegram.

Reports indicate that ISIS was at least somewhat relieved to see the swift and overwhelming backlash against Griffin on social media.

“Of course, the West’s social justice ‘warriors’ have always been our ally, and once again, they did not disappoint. We’re thankful that our fatwa friends immediately identified her offensive appropriation of one of our most cherished rituals,” said Aahil al-Raqqa, an executioner for the group.

According to sources close to the matter, it wasn’t simply Griffin’s portrayal of a beheading that was offensive, but also her lack of attention to detail to such a definitive aspect of ISIS culture.

“The face was so bloodied you could hardly see it,” al-Raqqa said. “Who does that?” he asked, adding that the point of displaying heads is so the media could identify the beheaded.

“She might as well have held up some plastic model head with a toupee and a lot of ketchup. This is even worse than when the Oberlin cafeteria served that pathetic excuse for Ban Mhi, or when those two American chicks in Portland stole burrito recipes from some poor abuelas down in Rosarito.”

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