Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

AKRON, OH—According to witnesses of the miraculous event, an amorphous clump of cells was instantaneously transformed into a beautiful, fully formed human baby the moment it was delivered at Grace Hospital Wednesday afternoon.

“Our little bundle of joy is so precious,” mother Hannah Bramer told reporters as she held her baby boy for the first time. “It’s hard to believe little Ashton was an unrecognizable blob of tissue just a few minutes ago.”

“I have no idea how this happened, but I am so happy,” she added.

Doctors who witnessed the occurrence claim it was nothing short of a medical miracle.

“The baby you see was indeed just a part of that woman’s body, moments ago,” the doctor who delivered the child said. “He is now clearly a separate, unique human being—just like that. We’re all fascinated, honestly. It’s astounding. We have no explanation.”

From The Babylon Bee.

Everybody’s talking about it. Here’s what you need to know.

1.) President Trump on Wednesday rescinded an Obama administration order to all public schools which stated that, in order to comply with federal law, all school policies must be based on “gender identity” and not biological sex.

2.) The overturned Obama order directed schools to thoroughly prove students’ gender identity before allowing them access to the opposite sex’s bathrooms and locker rooms by just asking them if that’s how they really feel.

3.) The overturned Obama order also confirmed that no high school boy would ever pretend to identify as a female in order to be able to shower with naked girls.

4.) The overturned Obama order also mandated large litter boxes be available for students identifying as otherkin.

5.) The overturned Obama order also declared that any father who would be upset about his daughter being forced to share a bathroom and locker room with a biological male is a terrible, disgusting, pig-faced equivalent of a KKK member circa 1960.

6.) By rescinding the order, President Trump has delivered a significant setback for humanity, sending us back to the Dark Ages of pre-May 2016.

7.) In his statement rescinding the order, President Trump specifically encouraged discriminating against, bullying, and harassing all members of the transgender community, as vigorously and often as possible.

8.) Trump titled his statement I Obviously Hate People With Gender Dysphoria Because I Am Asking Everyone To Use The Restroom Of Their Biological Sex Like Everyone Has Done Since The Beginning Of Time.

9.) Critics of Trump’s move cite a desire to protect transgender students from feeling uncomfortable because they have to share facilities with members of what they perceive as the opposite sex, while also having an easy way to identify intolerant bigots (non-transgender students who feel uncomfortable sharing facilities with members of the opposite sex).

More stories of questionable veracity from the Babylon Bee:

Local Believer Shows No Evidence Of Salvation Before Morning Coffee

Church Introduces New Maximum Security Nursery

New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples to Choose Which Christian Florist to Put Out of Business

From The Babylon Bee.

Good day, citizens. Due to an increase in automobile accidents caused by drivers removing their hands from their vehicle’s steering wheel and saying, “Jesus, take the wheel,” we at the United States Department Of Transportation felt the need to issue this clarifying statement.

Please do not attempt to literally give control of your vehicle’s steering wheel to Jesus. Only a human person with a valid driver’s license who is sitting in the driver’s seat of a vehicle should be operating said vehicle.

“Jesus, take the wheel” is a figure of speech. It is not something meant to be acted out. It is a figurative saying indicating that you intend to give control of your life—not your motor vehicle—over to God.

If you say “Jesus, take the wheel” and then let go of your steering wheel, there is a good chance that you will be involved in an accident resulting in serious injury or death.

Please keep both hands on the wheel at all times while operating any motor vehicle. Thank you.