ATLANTA, GA—According to sources close to local 32-year-old John Rettner, the man recently stated that “praying doesn’t help anything,” while his own idea of helping is just trolling under activist hashtags on Facebook and Twitter.
After every national tragedy and disaster, the man can be seen making fun of those offering “thoughts and prayers” while the only thing he himself has ever contributed to help those in need is his Facebook posts, sources confirmed.
“All your guys’ thoughts and prayers don’t do anything,” he wrote in a lengthy rant online. “Unlike you religious plebs, I’m committed to help out my fellow man by calling people names on social media.”
The man’s generous aid package for those hurt in recent tragedies has included “savage” memes mocking those who offer to pray for the victims, brutal comebacks on religious family members’ posts, and utilizing popular hashtags to self-righteously promote his positions on social issues.
“We can’t just sit around offering thoughts and prayers. We have to take action by attacking people online,” he said later.
Fingerlings, plastic monkeys that hang on fingers, blink and respond to touch and sound, have quickly become one of the most sought-after toys of the year, selling out at major retailers across the country.
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