THE PENTAGON – Retired Marine Gen. Jim Mattis has made it clear that he is in fact no one’s secretary.
In an effort to better align the title of his office with the duties and obligations he executes, sources say that Mattis will unilaterally change his title from Secretary of Defense to First Lord of Destruction.
One senior defense official said that other titles considered were Purveyor of Devastation and America’s Mighty Hammer of Righteousness. However, First Lord of Destruction had a nice “Marine Corps meets Sith Lord” kind of ring to it, the source said.
“If any of you sons of bitches calls me secretary, I’ll punch you right in the throat,” Mattis told members of the press in a recent briefing.
“I’ll call him whatever he wants,” one visibly shaken undersecretary of defense told reporters, on condition of anonymity. “Just as long as he doesn’t hurt me again. I called him Mr. Secretary once and he punched me right in the throat.”
Meanwhile, Mattis has also criticized others in the administration for what he refers to as “pansy” titles, such as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Joe Dunford.
“Chairman?” Mattis asked rhetorically during a White House meeting, according to an administration source. “Boring! How about Peerless Leader of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse?”
NEW YORK – The ghost of William Shakespeare appeared tonight in Manhattan, briefly, and expressed his disgust and embarrassment at the way progressives have bastardized his play Julius Caesar with their interpretation of it. The left has inserted a President Trump character in the leading role, and are calling it art.
“What are these fools doing to my work?!” an exasperated Shakespeare asked. “The left should not be afraid of Trump. Some are born Trump, some achieve Trumpness, and some have Trumpness thrust upon them. That’s just life.”
“Like I always said, there is nothing either good or bad, but politically correct thinking makes it so. In Macbeth, I wrote, ‘Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.’ Now I realize these ‘play in the park’ progressives are the idiots I was writing about!”
“On this midsummer’s night, I am deeply dismayed by Kathy Griffin’s recent “Off with his head!” moment, and now this. And yes, I did write that all the world’s a stage. But you don’t have to be an asshole on it.”
“Seriously, I can’t believe the city is still allowing this garbage. De Blasio, de Blasio! Wherefore art thou, de Blasio?!”
“If a conservative were to do to a progressive what those actors are doing to Trump, would they not bleed? Would they not have blood coming out of their…..wherever? Me thinks the left doth protest too much. I mean, really, that’s all they do!”
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OK, NOW THAT THE SHAMELESS BEGGING IS OVER
Most of my posts are crude, tasteless, and have no redeeming social value. So I thought I’d share some stuff you can show to your parents… or your pastor… or rabbi… or the homeless guy living in your chicken coop.
Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:
RAQQA, Syria — The self-proclaimed Islamic State has issued a statement condemning self-proclaimed comedian Kathy Griffin, accusing her of “cultural appropriation” after she posed for a photograph with a mock severed head of President Donald Trump.
The group, which has been protective of its brand ever since taking over vast swaths of Iraq and Syria and establishing itself as the premier beheading agency in the Middle East, said it was deeply disturbed by Griffin’s “ignorant and offensive” use of a “sacred Islamic State tradition.”
“This is just another example of a privileged white woman culturally appropriating the proud custom of a marginalized people. Beheadings are our thing, not your thing,” said the statement, which was released on Telegram.
Reports indicate that ISIS was at least somewhat relieved to see the swift and overwhelming backlash against Griffin on social media.
“Of course, the West’s social justice ‘warriors’ have always been our ally, and once again, they did not disappoint. We’re thankful that our fatwa friends immediately identified her offensive appropriation of one of our most cherished rituals,” said Aahil al-Raqqa, an executioner for the group.
According to sources close to the matter, it wasn’t simply Griffin’s portrayal of a beheading that was offensive, but also her lack of attention to detail to such a definitive aspect of ISIS culture.
“The face was so bloodied you could hardly see it,” al-Raqqa said. “Who does that?” he asked, adding that the point of displaying heads is so the media could identify the beheaded.
“She might as well have held up some plastic model head with a toupee and a lot of ketchup. This is even worse than when the Oberlin cafeteria served that pathetic excuse for Ban Mhi, or when those two American chicks in Portland stole burrito recipes from some poor abuelas down in Rosarito.”
Los Feliz Daycare(motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:
From the deep recesses of my hopelessly twisted mind, a new word: Scatterday. That’s a Saturday with a mishmosh of senseless crap of which there is a high probability of being a total waste of time.
CHANGE OF DIRECTION! (I’m allowed, it’s my post.)
The plan was to do a bunch of news headlines, but there’s so much ridiculous stuff today, I couldn’t resist.
Mom’s Rant About End-Of-The-Year Half Days Goes Viral
“What’s the point of the end-of-the-year half day?” she asks in the video. “That just means I “half” to get up at 6:30, drag these kids out of bed, send them to school for three hours to get hyped up on sugar, high fructose corn syrup, Pixie Stix and doughnuts and cupcakes, and then I ‘half’ to go get them before the sugar high has even worn off.”
Lewis’ video has reached over 3.6 million views. Educators and fellow parents flooded the comments section to share their same woes.
Dearborn Muslim Man Eats Pepperoni Pizza, Sues Little Caesars Over Wrong Labeling
A man in Dearborn has filed a lawsuit against Little Caesars, he’s seeking a class-action status and $100 million in damages.
According to the lawsuit, Mohamad Bazzi accidentally ate a portion of a pepperoni pizza after he was led to believe it consisted of halal meat. Bazzi is a Muslim, and eating pork is against his religion.
Little Caesars issued the following statement regarding the lawsuit:
“Little Caesars cherishes our customers from all religions and cultures, and the communities we serve are very important to us. While we can’t comment on pending litigation, we take this claim very seriously. At this time, we believe it is without merit.”
Woman sues Jelly Belly, claiming she didn’t know the beans contain sugar
The plaintiff, Jessica Gomez of San Bernardino County, first filed the case against the Fairfield-based company in February, according to Legal NewsLine, alleging Jelly Belly encouraged her to buy its Sports Beans by falsely advertising them as an energy source for athletes.
The Sound of Social Justice (Simon & Garfunkel parody)
Cheers, Green Bay! Home of the Packers is named the drunkest city in the country, while Wisconsin takes 10 of the 20 spots
Green Bay, Wisconsin, was recorded as having the highest ‘excessive drinking rate’ of any metro area in the US
27 percent of adults in the city reported binge drinking in the past 30 days
Of the study rating the top 20 drunkest cities, Wisconsin cities made up half
FORTUNATELY, OUR OWN BLUEBIRD LIVES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STATE SO THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOL ABUSE ON HER IS MINIMAL
VIDEO: Woman Marries Train Station, Claims They Are In Love
CHECK OUT THIS PIECE OF WORK:
Denver Colorado Decriminalizes Public Defecation To Ease Life For Illegal Immigrants Denver City Council voted unanimously Monday night to lessen the punishment for people convicted of certain low-level crimes like lying in a public right-of-way, urinating in public and panhandling.
City leaders and immigrant rights advocates argued the changes will protect Denver’s immigrant community from facing unintended consequences.
“Many times it becomes a deportable offense if you’ve been convicted of even a minor ordinance violation that’s punishable by a year in jail,” Mark Silverstein said, legal director for the American Civil Liberties Union of Colorado.
Study: Physically Weak Men More Likely To Be SocialistsAn academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.
Woman Maces Three Wendy’s Workers During Dispute Over Fresh French Fries
The 25-year-old Dixson “requested that the French Fries be fresh,” according to a court filing.
During the argument with the Wendy’s workers, Dixson allegedly “started to reach through the drive-thru window, so one employee threw a soda at her.” At that point, the workers reported, Dixson returned to her car and “grabbed her Mace, and started spraying it through the drive-thru window.”
82-Year-Old Shoots Home Invader in Butt Ending Father-Son Crime Spree
‘He was forced to fire after he confronted a man inside the basement of his house’ The altercation happened on the day that Vladimir Sanchez was released from prison. His 16-year-old son allegedly stole his mother’s car and took it to pick up his father from prison. Miami Police later spotted Sanchez driving the stolen car and pulled it over.
As they began to arrest Sanchez, his son jumped out of the passenger seat and fled the scene. As police searched the area, the teen allegedly stole some clothes from a home’s washing machine in order to change his appearance. At some point, the teen allegedly entered the home of the elderly man.
Are these the most POINTLESS signs ever? Photos capture unnecessary warnings around the world that state the VERY obvious
BoredPanda has compiled some of the more obvious signs on the planet
Warnings remind the public that ‘fire is hot’ and that ‘rain is wet’
Other pieces advice include not hitting a car in front and avoiding murder
YOU JUST KNOW THAT SOMEWHERE,SOMEHOW,SOME COLLEGE STUDENTS ARE SEARCHING FOR THE HIDDEN MEANING IN SOME OF THESE
COLUMBUS, OH—Several minutes after entering a Planned Parenthood clinic in order to seek prenatal care for herself and her unborn child, local pregnant woman Kyleigh Smith was sent away with directions to an actual health clinic, reports confirmed Wednesday.
The scene reportedly turned into one of confusion and bewilderment, as Planned Parenthood personnel hadn’t been trained on what to do when a woman wanted to leave the clinic with her baby healthier than before she entered.
“Sorry, you want what? Healthcare?” a confused receptionist asked. “Hey Bob, what do we do with the ones that don’t want to kill—uh, I mean terminate the, uh, pregnancy?” she then yelled back at one of the clinic’s abortion doctors.
“Huh? Why?” the doctor reportedly called back as he was prepping for his next procedure. “Maybe she wants a condom or something? Or offer her a Tic-Tac. [Expletive], I don’t know.”
After phoning several other Planned Parenthood clinics in the region to find out what they would do in an unusual situation like this one, clinic staffers printed out a set of directions to a real health clinic that would actually try to help her and her baby, and sent Smith on her way.
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More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
Los Feliz Daycare(motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:
Denver City Council voted unanimously Monday night to lessen the punishment for people convicted of certain low-level crimes like lying in a public right-of-way, urinating in public and panhandling.
An academic study from researchers at Brunel University London assessed 171 men, looking at their height, weight, overall physical strength and bicep circumference, along with their views on redistribution of wealth and income inequality. The study, published in the Evolution and Human Behavior journal, found that weaker men were more likely to favor socialist policies than stronger men.
Angela Merkel sings ’99 Red Balloons’
The altercation happened on the day that Vladimir Sanchez was released from prison. His 16-year-old son allegedly stole his mother’s car and took it to pick up his father from prison. Miami Police later spotted Sanchez driving the stolen car and pulled it over.
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polination.blog 