From The Babylon Bee.
U.S.—A new study found that support for impeaching President Trump would rise significantly if someone, anyone could just tell people what crime Trump is supposed to have committed.
Republicans and many independents are stubbornly resisting the impeachment inquiry, as though you have to have some kind of reason to impeach the president. Democrats oppose this logic, saying that impeaching a president who insists on being Trump is a constitutional duty. Many Americans are just kind of confused by the whole thing and are waiting for something more interesting to come on TV.
“Impeachment is polling pretty strong just goin’ on emotion and stuff,” said one pollster, “but man, if we could point to some kind of impeachable offense, the numbers would go way, way up. We’re talking very strong support once there is a crime to impeach for.”
“Man, if we could just find that Trump, like, secretly nuked Canada or something—that would be the smoking gun,” he added wistfully.
A small minority of Americans said they would support Trump even if there ends up being a clear, blatant high crime exposed, though this demographic was almost entirely made up of televangelists and Seb Gorka.
Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:
Washington Post Article on Evils of Capitalism Hidden Behind Paywall
New Genderfluid Dolls Emit Blast of Pepper Spray, Alert Authorities When Children Use Wrong Pronoun
Modernized Year of Jubilee Will Forgive Everyone for Their Old Tweets
Beto Cites Nazi Firing Squads as Grounds for Private Gun Ban
Homeless Man Rejects Charity After Searching Through Giver’s Tweet History
New App Helps You Find Someone to Fake a Hate Crime Against You
Forgiveness Added to Database of Racist Gestures
Dems Worried If Impeachment Fails They’ll Have to Nominate Electable Candidate
polination.blog 
Democrats are beginning to grow worried that if their impeachment effort fails, they’ll have to resort to plan B: nominating an electable candidate and winning an election.
“I could run for president. I’m pretty electable,” said Chuck Schumer.
“Oh, cut the crap. You’re insufferable,” said Pelosi, rolling her eyes.
https://babylonbee.com/news/dems-worried-if-impeachment-fails-theyll-have-to-nominate-electable-candidate
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A local public library is being called a “cesspool of radical, far-right hate” after it was revealed that the library just has books.
“There are no drag queens in sight, not even in the children’s section!” said one protester as they started picketing the building.
https://babylonbee.com/news/radical-far-right-library-just-has-books-no-drag-queens
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