Los Feliz Daycare(motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:
U.S.—New documents recently uncovered by Smithsonian historians confirmed that the group of pilgrims and Indians who gathered for the first Thanksgiving argued vehemently about politics throughout the course of the meal.
The newly discovered journal seems to indicate that just after giving thanks for the meal, one Pilgrim from England drank too much mead and began to rant about “making the colonies great again,” kicking off several hours of hostile glances, passive-aggressive remarks, and flat-out argumentation.
“Apparently, Uncle Charles was asked to eat at the kids’ table after a tirade about how real patriots need to support King James I, and several Wampanoag Indians and younger Puritans alike wouldn’t stop talking about their participation in a string of violent protests throughout the colonies,” Dr. Gary Etherton, a Smithsonian researcher said Tuesday. “They called themselves ‘the Resistance’ for some reason.”
Arguments centered around “common sense musket control” raged as one Pilgrim mother complained about the large quantity of wheellock muskets left lying around without observing proper gun safety rules, while at the other end of the table, a fistfight broke out over a Ten Commandment display in front of the Plymouth General Court.
At publishing time, historians had also confirmed that the bickering over politics ceased briefly for a pick-up American football game on an adjacent lawn.
LYNNWOOD, WA—Sources confirmed Thursday that local freethinker Jared Olson called into question the “absurd” idea that he had anything to be thankful for, all while his heart continued to beat regularly as it has done since before his birth, pumping blood through his body in a complex, life-sustaining process well beyond his mind’s capability of understanding in its entirety.
“I really don’t understand what all I’m supposed to be thankful for,” a slightly drunken Olson opined, addressing whichever members of his extended family were within earshot, as the membrane across his larynx vibrated to modulate the flow of air from his lungs, making his speech audible to the people listening, whose intricate ear structures then instantly transformed the invisible sound waves into abstract thought in their brain’s nervous tissue.
Olson went on to pursue the line of reasoning even further, noting that he was passed up for a job promotion that he was “really expecting,” in the same year his dog died. According to eyewitnesses, he spoke these words as the surface his feet rested on continued to spin around the earth’s core without any input from him, all while the only known habitable planet on which he stood rocketed around the center of the galaxy in perfect formation at the unfathomable rate of 490,000 miles per hour.
At one point during his monologue, Olson reportedly glanced around the room to notice several members of his healthy, caring family staring at him, his eyes’ hundreds of millions of cone and rod cells responding to stimuli in an unimaginably sophisticated procedure that he never has to think about. As these elaborate structures continued to capture and process an unbelievable volume of input per second, Olson reported he was all the more confident from the looks of those around him that he had made his case.
“Thanksgiving? Pssh—thanks for nothing,” Olson remarked, before somberly digging into a meal the likes of which the vast majority of the world’s population could only dream of eating.
Los Feliz Daycare(motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:
PORTLAND, OR—Local bigot Jordyn Michaels reported Wednesday she is still refusing to call God His preferred gender pronouns, insisting on referring to Him as “God the Mother,” “She,” and “Her,” sources confirmed.
Despite being called out for hate speech by her fellow progressives, Michaels continues to refuse to utilize the pronouns God used for Himself in the Bible.
“I know our great Mother God never refers to Herself as a woman in the Scriptures, but I’m gonna go ahead and do it anyway,” the backward, prejudiced woman said on a Patheos blog entry entitled “Discovering Sacred Serenity In Mother God.”
“I refuse to bow to male normative traditions imposed on me. My own feelings dictate reality, and right now they’re dictating that God can be communicated with as a female if I really want Her to be.”
At publishing time, the hopelessly bigoted woman had confirmed she would continue upholding oppressive gender norms by referring to God with female pronouns that were created by a patriarchal gender construct.
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MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident.
“The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her breasts. It was priceless!”
Al thinks America would cut him a break if they could see the incident in proper context. “Look, she had already rebuffed my open mouth kiss during a skit onstage. She owed me…..Al Franken. I don’t even know why people are making such a big deal about this. I’m not a Republican.”
The senator also said that if anyone doubts that he’s a straight-up gentleman, and always treats the ladies right, they should ask his best friend Fred Garvin, male prostitute, about his integrity. “He’ll vouch for me,” Al said.
HOLLYWOOD, CA—An unnamed actress has come forward and accused outspoken Christian actor Kirk Cameron of treating her with respect and dignity—the seventh one in recent weeks—reports confirmed Monday.
As a seemingly endless wave of sexual misconduct and abuse allegations continue to rock Tinseltown, the actress reported numerous instances when Cameron, who is vocal about his Christian faith, showed her the utmost respect, never once approaching anything even resembling an explicit or implied request for sexual favors in exchange for career advancement.
“I never felt threatened, and I always felt safe and respected around him,” the actress told reporters. “Something about it felt really strange.”
“It was a bit odd, but I quickly got used to it,” she added.
At publishing time, additional actresses had come forward to identify Cameron, along with several openly Christian filmmakers, as men who treated them like fellow humans with inherent value, and not as sexual objects to be exploited. Multiple witnesses confirmed the allegations.
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