LYNNWOOD, WA—Sources confirmed Thursday that local freethinker Jared Olson called into question the “absurd” idea that he had anything to be thankful for, all while his heart continued to beat regularly as it has done since before his birth, pumping blood through his body in a complex, life-sustaining process well beyond his mind’s capability of understanding in its entirety.
“I really don’t understand what all I’m supposed to be thankful for,” a slightly drunken Olson opined, addressing whichever members of his extended family were within earshot, as the membrane across his larynx vibrated to modulate the flow of air from his lungs, making his speech audible to the people listening, whose intricate ear structures then instantly transformed the invisible sound waves into abstract thought in their brain’s nervous tissue.
Olson went on to pursue the line of reasoning even further, noting that he was passed up for a job promotion that he was “really expecting,” in the same year his dog died. According to eyewitnesses, he spoke these words as the surface his feet rested on continued to spin around the earth’s core without any input from him, all while the only known habitable planet on which he stood rocketed around the center of the galaxy in perfect formation at the unfathomable rate of 490,000 miles per hour.
At one point during his monologue, Olson reportedly glanced around the room to notice several members of his healthy, caring family staring at him, his eyes’ hundreds of millions of cone and rod cells responding to stimuli in an unimaginably sophisticated procedure that he never has to think about. As these elaborate structures continued to capture and process an unbelievable volume of input per second, Olson reported he was all the more confident from the looks of those around him that he had made his case.
“Thanksgiving? Pssh—thanks for nothing,” Olson remarked, before somberly digging into a meal the likes of which the vast majority of the world’s population could only dream of eating.
First a word from our sponsors: The admins here (two lovely and frightfully smart ladies) and me, the village idiot, are going to suspend the normal political diatribes until after the holiday. We will, however, bring you some special features.
I’d like to express for myself, and quite probably my buddies here, my profound thanks to all of you for stopping here. We don’t have a donation button or beg-a-thons like some sites. We do this as a public service and because we enjoy it. It is gratifying to know that so many of you feel we are worthy of a little bit of your time.
OK, now the fun stuff.
Many television shows have produced episodes to coincide with holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.
WKRP in Cincinnati was a 70s sitcom with an excellent ensemble cast. The following is one of the funniest bits ever filmed. No doubt most of you have seen it, but maybe it’s been a while. It will be the best 4 minutes you’ll spend today listening to Les Nessman describe the carnage as the turkeys go splat on the pavement.
Cheers was another funny scene. Poor Norm.
A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving
MADtv – Dot’s Thanksgiving Play (I REALLY ENJOYED MADtv)
DeNIRO AND CRYSTAL… TWO SCREAMING LIBS, BUT PRETTY FUNNY TOGETHER
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TRULY BIZARRE
The Muppets Audition for The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
MY GRANDPARENTS GOT A COLOR TV ON OCT. 4, 1964 (it was my sister’s birthday).
I REMEMBER WATCHING THE MACY’S PARADE IN COLOR FOR THE FIRST TIME. IT WAS AMAZING.
Red Skelton was a comic genius and a real American original. In 1952 he addressed his audience this way:
A Thanksgiving Day Message From Red Skelton from 1952
On the day before Thanksgiving every year Rush Limbaugh relates the story of the true meaning of Thanksgiving. It was all about the abject failure of socialism and the power of capitalism.You’re probably familiar with it, but here is the transcript and the audio.
Rush Limbaugh has made it an annual tradition to take a moment before the holiday to tell “the true story of Thanksgiving,” a holiday about which many of the historical facts are often left out and much of the true meaning has been lost in the simplified and politically correct version of the tale. The true story, he explains, highlights the faith and courage of the Pilgrims, the partnership between the settlers and the Native Americans, the failure of socialism and the power of free enterprise.
I WOULD BE REMISS IF I DIDN’T GIVE THANKS TO ALMIGHTY GOD FOR DELIVERING US FROM LIBERAL TYRANNY AND GIVING US A PRESIDENT WHO WORSHIPS HIM AND NOT A FALSE IDOL.
First Lady Melania Trump Receives the White House Christmas Tree
Psalm 28:7
The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.
Colossians 3:15-17
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Los Feliz Daycare(motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:
PORTLAND, OR—Local bigot Jordyn Michaels reported Wednesday she is still refusing to call God His preferred gender pronouns, insisting on referring to Him as “God the Mother,” “She,” and “Her,” sources confirmed.
Despite being called out for hate speech by her fellow progressives, Michaels continues to refuse to utilize the pronouns God used for Himself in the Bible.
“I know our great Mother God never refers to Herself as a woman in the Scriptures, but I’m gonna go ahead and do it anyway,” the backward, prejudiced woman said on a Patheos blog entry entitled “Discovering Sacred Serenity In Mother God.”
“I refuse to bow to male normative traditions imposed on me. My own feelings dictate reality, and right now they’re dictating that God can be communicated with as a female if I really want Her to be.”
At publishing time, the hopelessly bigoted woman had confirmed she would continue upholding oppressive gender norms by referring to God with female pronouns that were created by a patriarchal gender construct.
Comments Off on Bigoted Progressive Christian Refuses to Call God by His Preferred Pronouns
MINNESOTA – Senator Al Franken, busted today for a photo showing him groping Leeann Tweeden in 2006 while she was sleeping on a flight back from the Middle East, says the public would get the joke if they could just see the video of the incident.
“The photo alone makes me look really creepy and perverted,” Franken admitted, “But the video is what everybody needs to see. It’s much funnier. Right after the shot in the photo was taken, I said ‘honk, honk!’ as I squeezed my hands over her breasts. It was priceless!”
Al thinks America would cut him a break if they could see the incident in proper context. “Look, she had already rebuffed my open mouth kiss during a skit onstage. She owed me…..Al Franken. I don’t even know why people are making such a big deal about this. I’m not a Republican.”
The senator also said that if anyone doubts that he’s a straight-up gentleman, and always treats the ladies right, they should ask his best friend Fred Garvin, male prostitute, about his integrity. “He’ll vouch for me,” Al said.
HOLLYWOOD, CA—An unnamed actress has come forward and accused outspoken Christian actor Kirk Cameron of treating her with respect and dignity—the seventh one in recent weeks—reports confirmed Monday.
As a seemingly endless wave of sexual misconduct and abuse allegations continue to rock Tinseltown, the actress reported numerous instances when Cameron, who is vocal about his Christian faith, showed her the utmost respect, never once approaching anything even resembling an explicit or implied request for sexual favors in exchange for career advancement.
“I never felt threatened, and I always felt safe and respected around him,” the actress told reporters. “Something about it felt really strange.”
“It was a bit odd, but I quickly got used to it,” she added.
At publishing time, additional actresses had come forward to identify Cameron, along with several openly Christian filmmakers, as men who treated them like fellow humans with inherent value, and not as sexual objects to be exploited. Multiple witnesses confirmed the allegations.
I did a post yesterday that mysteriously disappeared. I got it back, then this morning it was gone again. I’m just posting some funny images here so if it disappears again at least I won’t have any time and effort invested in researching things.
polination.blog 