Category Archives: Funny Stuff

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has once again updated its privacy policy for its users, replacing the long and complex text spelling out all the ways the company can use your personal data with the term “LOL,” the tech behemoth confirmed Monday.

“We wanted to be more forthright with our users,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “We could give you this boring tome of legalese, or we could simply put it in terms everyone can understand. The popular internet abbreviation for ‘laughing out loud’ is an accurate, concise summary of how we feel about your private data.”

“It’s short, sweet, and to the point,” he added.

Users joining the site for the first time are asked to read the three-letter privacy policy in its entirety before clicking “accept” to acknowledge that the social networking company just laughs its collective keister off at the notion of any Facebook user having any kind of privacy whatsoever.

In a bid for transparency, the social network further updated its policy page on shutting down pages and profiles Facebook officials deem offensive or intolerant to simply display a picture of Big Brother from George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984, sources confirmed at publishing time.

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In the wake of the recent Harvey Weinstein scandal sending shockwaves through Hollywood, the nation’s elite members of the entertainment industry have expressed their puzzlement at the fact that the country has fallen so far in morality and ethics, when the very same people have created and promoted entertainment that celebrates moral bankruptcy, sources confirmed.

 

Directors, actors, writers, and producers who have profited off disgusting, repulsive works that would have been unthinkable just a decade ago all voiced their shock at the fact that Weinstein’s behavior could go unchecked for so long, in addition to expressing incredulity at the nation’s indifference to President Trump’s total lack of moral character. Particularly outspoken on the nation’s morality was Steve Pink, director of Hot Tub Time Machine 2, who blasted the country for its lack of ethics, respect, and dignity.

“How did it get like this? How could we possibly have elected a reality TV star as our president?” one prominent director of reality TV shows said in an interview Friday evening. “I just don’t understand how reality TV’s empty values could possibly have infiltrated our society.”

Earlier this week, popular rapper Eminem even blasted President Trump for his disgusting ethics and repulsive lack of morals, the explicit hip-hop artist stating later that he has no idea why the nation’s sense of morality is so far askew. “Where do they get these violent tendencies?” he asked later. “It’s like they’re just coming up out of thin air.”

At publishing time, a wildly popular star of violent movies that glorify war, murder, and the U.S. industrial-complex expressed his total bafflement that the nation seems to have gotten increasingly violent both domestically and abroad.

From The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Jerry Brown signed an executive order Tuesday re-opening the internment camps utilized to illegally detain Japanese citizens during World War II in order to forcibly imprison anyone who misgenders another individual by using the wrong pronoun for him, her, or them.

 

The camps will be open for offenders by January 2018.

“Use the darn pronouns or shut up,” Brown said in a press conference. “Tolerance is so important to us in this great state that we can no longer tolerate those who disagree.”

“Every American has the right to free speech, so long as it agrees with the spirit of the age,” he added.

The governor has also reportedly okayed the expenditure of up to $7.5 billion on a state-of-the-art alarm system that will allow citizens to press a button on a nearby kiosk or using their smartphone, summoning a team of state “thought police” to carry the offending pronoun user away, “no questions asked.”

The measure will be funded by a 3,000% increase on the state’s modest gasoline taxes, sources confirmed.