Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In the wake of the recent Harvey Weinstein scandal sending shockwaves through Hollywood, the nation’s elite members of the entertainment industry have expressed their puzzlement at the fact that the country has fallen so far in morality and ethics, when the very same people have created and promoted entertainment that celebrates moral bankruptcy, sources confirmed.

 

Directors, actors, writers, and producers who have profited off disgusting, repulsive works that would have been unthinkable just a decade ago all voiced their shock at the fact that Weinstein’s behavior could go unchecked for so long, in addition to expressing incredulity at the nation’s indifference to President Trump’s total lack of moral character. Particularly outspoken on the nation’s morality was Steve Pink, director of Hot Tub Time Machine 2, who blasted the country for its lack of ethics, respect, and dignity.

“How did it get like this? How could we possibly have elected a reality TV star as our president?” one prominent director of reality TV shows said in an interview Friday evening. “I just don’t understand how reality TV’s empty values could possibly have infiltrated our society.”

Earlier this week, popular rapper Eminem even blasted President Trump for his disgusting ethics and repulsive lack of morals, the explicit hip-hop artist stating later that he has no idea why the nation’s sense of morality is so far askew. “Where do they get these violent tendencies?” he asked later. “It’s like they’re just coming up out of thin air.”

At publishing time, a wildly popular star of violent movies that glorify war, murder, and the U.S. industrial-complex expressed his total bafflement that the nation seems to have gotten increasingly violent both domestically and abroad.

From The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Jerry Brown signed an executive order Tuesday re-opening the internment camps utilized to illegally detain Japanese citizens during World War II in order to forcibly imprison anyone who misgenders another individual by using the wrong pronoun for him, her, or them.

 

The camps will be open for offenders by January 2018.

“Use the darn pronouns or shut up,” Brown said in a press conference. “Tolerance is so important to us in this great state that we can no longer tolerate those who disagree.”

“Every American has the right to free speech, so long as it agrees with the spirit of the age,” he added.

The governor has also reportedly okayed the expenditure of up to $7.5 billion on a state-of-the-art alarm system that will allow citizens to press a button on a nearby kiosk or using their smartphone, summoning a team of state “thought police” to carry the offending pronoun user away, “no questions asked.”

The measure will be funded by a 3,000% increase on the state’s modest gasoline taxes, sources confirmed.

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Kicking off a rousing and emotional monologue on his Jimmy Kimmel Live! late-night talk show Tuesday during which he laid out yet another case for the common-sense nature of his views on policy and the evil barbarism of those who hold different views, host Jimmy Kimmel reached into his desk and produced a document officially declaring himself America’s greatest moral authority.

 

“I know some people have questioned my impassioned political speeches, so let me just show you this,” Kimmel said before presenting the document for all the world to see. “I guess I assumed it was obvious due to the tone of my lectures and the obvious emotion behind them, but just in case anyone is unclear—I am, in fact, this nation’s highest moral authority.”

The paper, which contained the words “Official Document” in bold at the top, appeared to have read “This document officially certifies James Christian Kimmel as The United States of America’s highest moral authority; furthermore, as the sole arbiter of truth within the land.”

“Go ahead and zoom in on it,” the host said as he held the paper still for a moment. “Take a good look. And check out those asterisks at the top—this is the real deal. I sincerely hope none of you will question my authority again.”

“So whether I’m holding court about nationalized health care, women’s rights, or gun control: I am right, and only right, all the time. And if you disagree with me, you are wrong and you passionately want people to die,” he added.

At publishing time, the document’s origins are unknown, with most experts hypothesizing that Kimmel himself printed it out in his office before the show.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Youths Make Joke About Tim Keller’s Baldness, Immediately Mauled by Bears

Feelings Now Acceptable As Answers to Math Problems

Bill Nye to Dress Up As Real Scientist for Halloween

From The Babylon Bee.

SEATTLE, WA—After reading several chapters from the gospels over the weekend, local progressive believer Wendy Butler reportedly published a Patheos blog post in which she criticized Jesus of Nazareth for “not being very Christlike.”

The blog post took Jesus to task for His “unloving and problematic” teachings.

“He devotes entire sections of His sermons to ranting about archaic religious concepts like hell and the last judgment instead of just coming alongside the marginalized and affirming their sins,” Butler said. “Very little of what He did on earth I would describe as life-giving. Frankly, I do a better job of being Christlike than Christ Himself.”

The woman was also agitated to find that Jesus didn’t devote any of His time recorded in the Scriptures to advocating for government-subsidized healthcare or women’s abortion rights.

“He had a few good things to say about loving our neighbors, but the bad outweighs the good in Jesus’ teachings, if we’re looking at things honestly here,” her essay continued. “He really needed to ask Himself, ‘What would Jesus do?’ more often, and then He’d have devoted a lot more of His time to social justice, like me.”

At publishing time, a horrified Butler had discovered the description of the Redeemer coming in His wrath in Revelation 19.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Joel Osteen Launches Line of Pastoral Wear: ‘Sheep’s Clothing’

Back Pew Voted Best Spot in Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

Food Consumed at Church Functions Does Not Count Toward Daily Caloric Intake, Nutritionists Confirm

Archaeologists Discover King David’s Collection of Essential Oils

Planned Parenthood Sentenced to 8 Million Consecutive Life Sentences

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Fake news has finally met its match in Mark Zuckerberg. The Facebook CEO announced Monday that his wildly successful social network will now “promptly and automatically” fly an MQ-1 Predator drone to the location of anyone who posts or shares an article that has been deemed “fake news,” and will obliterate the person with a Hellfire missile.

 

But that’s not all: the internet titan also revealed that the drone strikes can be unleashed by Facebook users upon anyone they disagree with.

That’s right. Just flag an item as “offensive” or “I don’t want to see this,” and Zuckerberg will honor his promise to blow your ideological enemy sky-high with a totally devastating and pinpoint accurate air-to-ground missile.

But don’t worry, brave social justice warriors: this feature is only enabled for those Facebook has identified as progressives, so you’ll be able to rid the world of your political foes while you’re safe in your own little Portland bungalow. You can now truly make the world a better place through your online battles!

Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, it looks like it’s R.I.P. fake news!

From The Babylon Bee.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—At a special press conference held at the technology giant’s sprawling campus Tuesday, Google engineers revealed exciting new technology that autocorrects any errant thoughts its users are having, replacing them with positions approved by the company.

Utilizing advanced retinal scan and proprietary telepathic scanning technology, the new automatic thought correction algorithm is now live for users of Google’s search engine, Android operating system, Chrome OS, and the hundreds of other apps and services the company provides.

“Let’s say you start thinking there may be some kind of inherent biological difference between men and women,” Google employee Ryan Vo said in a live demo of the new tech. “Immediately, the thought suggestion program in any nearby Google device, app, or service will scrub the idea of inherent gender differences and replace them with the sure knowledge that there are at least three hundred different genders in existence, and always has been.”

“Google will begin rebuilding your mind, piece by piece,” he added to the cheers and applause of the tech bloggers and industry professionals gathered.

According to the spokesperson, Google is also utilizing crack teams of ex-military personnel to round up anyone who resists the new technology, taking them to a new portion of Google’s campus known as the “Department of Love” for questioning, reconditioning, and re-introduction into civilized society.

At publishing time, a jealous Mark Zuckerberg had put his best programmers on the job of attempting to reverse-engineer Google’s new thought correction algorithm for use on his own social network, sources confirmed.

From The Babylon Bee.

HEAVEN—Remorseful for using terms that fly in the face of contemporary progressive sensibilities, God Almighty issued an apology Tuesday for the gendered language found throughout His Word, the Holy Bible.

“The fact that gendered language has been non-offensive for millennia is no excuse, since through my omniscience I knew that by the time the 21st Century rolled around it would no longer be considered acceptable,” the statement, miraculously delivered through a heavenly messenger, read in part.

“Please accept my deepest and most sincere apologies for using such offensive terminology when describing humankind and myself throughout the pages of Scripture, and feel free to edit the eternal Word of God so that it aligns more closely with your current, advanced understanding of the nature of things,” he continued, adding that it was never His intention to advance the agenda of the patriarchy.

“My choices were unfortunate and regrettable, and I have no intention of trying to mansplain them away. I will do better.”

Bible publishers worldwide reportedly began work Tuesday on new translations of the Holy Scriptures, removing any pronouns or phrases which specify a gender either directly or by implication.

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—A new, exclusive CNN investigative report revealed Thursday that millions of American voters may have potentially colluded with the Trump campaign to elect Donald Trump as President of the United States.

While Russia has been accused of interfering in the election, the breaking report indicates that the collusion may have extended to a significant portion of the U.S. population—“as many as 60 million citizens, and possibly even more.”

“The conspiracy goes much deeper than anyone expected,” Jake Tapper said on his news segment The Politics Lead. “We’re talking tens of millions of people involved in this secret plot to make sure Hillary didn’t make it into the White House and to prop up Donald Trump as the winner.”

The CNN report does not accuse anyone of hacking or rigging the vote, but rather suggests that those colluding with the real estate mogul in the far-reaching scheme may have simply walked into voting booths and cast their vote for Donald Trump, giving him the electoral college victory.

“It’s far more sinister than we thought,” a visibly disturbed Tapper said.

From The Babylon Bee.

COLUMBUS, OH—Several minutes after entering a Planned Parenthood clinic in order to seek prenatal care for herself and her unborn child, local pregnant woman Kyleigh Smith was sent away with directions to an actual health clinic, reports confirmed Wednesday.

The scene reportedly turned into one of confusion and bewilderment, as Planned Parenthood personnel hadn’t been trained on what to do when a woman wanted to leave the clinic with her baby healthier than before she entered.

“Sorry, you want what? Healthcare?” a confused receptionist asked. “Hey Bob, what do we do with the ones that don’t want to kill—uh, I mean terminate the, uh, pregnancy?” she then yelled back at one of the clinic’s abortion doctors.

“Huh? Why?” the doctor reportedly called back as he was prepping for his next procedure. “Maybe she wants a condom or something? Or offer her a Tic-Tac. [Expletive], I don’t know.”

After phoning several other Planned Parenthood clinics in the region to find out what they would do in an unusual situation like this one, clinic staffers printed out a set of directions to a real health clinic that would actually try to help her and her baby, and sent Smith on her way.

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More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Dave Ramsey Puts Federal Government on Strict Envelope Budget Plan

ISIS Lays Down Arms after Katy Perry’s Impassioned Plea to ‘Like, Just Coexist’

Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Another Long Day of Deciding What People Should Believe