Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

From The Babylon Bee.

AKRON, OH—According to witnesses of the miraculous event, an amorphous clump of cells was instantaneously transformed into a beautiful, fully formed human baby the moment it was delivered at Grace Hospital Wednesday afternoon.

“Our little bundle of joy is so precious,” mother Hannah Bramer told reporters as she held her baby boy for the first time. “It’s hard to believe little Ashton was an unrecognizable blob of tissue just a few minutes ago.”

“I have no idea how this happened, but I am so happy,” she added.

Doctors who witnessed the occurrence claim it was nothing short of a medical miracle.

“The baby you see was indeed just a part of that woman’s body, moments ago,” the doctor who delivered the child said. “He is now clearly a separate, unique human being—just like that. We’re all fascinated, honestly. It’s astounding. We have no explanation.”

From The Babylon Bee.

Everybody’s talking about it. Here’s what you need to know.

1.) President Trump on Wednesday rescinded an Obama administration order to all public schools which stated that, in order to comply with federal law, all school policies must be based on “gender identity” and not biological sex.

2.) The overturned Obama order directed schools to thoroughly prove students’ gender identity before allowing them access to the opposite sex’s bathrooms and locker rooms by just asking them if that’s how they really feel.

3.) The overturned Obama order also confirmed that no high school boy would ever pretend to identify as a female in order to be able to shower with naked girls.

4.) The overturned Obama order also mandated large litter boxes be available for students identifying as otherkin.

5.) The overturned Obama order also declared that any father who would be upset about his daughter being forced to share a bathroom and locker room with a biological male is a terrible, disgusting, pig-faced equivalent of a KKK member circa 1960.

6.) By rescinding the order, President Trump has delivered a significant setback for humanity, sending us back to the Dark Ages of pre-May 2016.

7.) In his statement rescinding the order, President Trump specifically encouraged discriminating against, bullying, and harassing all members of the transgender community, as vigorously and often as possible.

8.) Trump titled his statement I Obviously Hate People With Gender Dysphoria Because I Am Asking Everyone To Use The Restroom Of Their Biological Sex Like Everyone Has Done Since The Beginning Of Time.

9.) Critics of Trump’s move cite a desire to protect transgender students from feeling uncomfortable because they have to share facilities with members of what they perceive as the opposite sex, while also having an easy way to identify intolerant bigots (non-transgender students who feel uncomfortable sharing facilities with members of the opposite sex).

More stories of questionable veracity from the Babylon Bee:

Local Believer Shows No Evidence Of Salvation Before Morning Coffee

Church Introduces New Maximum Security Nursery

New Registry Allows Engaged Same-Sex Couples to Choose Which Christian Florist to Put Out of Business

From The Babylon Bee.

Good day, citizens. Due to an increase in automobile accidents caused by drivers removing their hands from their vehicle’s steering wheel and saying, “Jesus, take the wheel,” we at the United States Department Of Transportation felt the need to issue this clarifying statement.

Please do not attempt to literally give control of your vehicle’s steering wheel to Jesus. Only a human person with a valid driver’s license who is sitting in the driver’s seat of a vehicle should be operating said vehicle.

“Jesus, take the wheel” is a figure of speech. It is not something meant to be acted out. It is a figurative saying indicating that you intend to give control of your life—not your motor vehicle—over to God.

If you say “Jesus, take the wheel” and then let go of your steering wheel, there is a good chance that you will be involved in an accident resulting in serious injury or death.

Please keep both hands on the wheel at all times while operating any motor vehicle. Thank you.

From The Babylon Bee.

Sources confirmed Monday that school officials at Columbia University have instituted a new program to help students alert professors and other undergrads to potential microaggressions, with each pupil at the prestigious university being given a whistle to blow whenever they witness a microagression or begin to feel microaggressed against themselves.

Columbia students are reportedly encouraged to blow their whistle and flail their arms wildly about in the air whenever they hear triggering phrases such as “Where are you from?” “Nice weather today,” or “Hello.”

University president Lee Bollinger stated the initiative is already paying dividends, with numerous reports of near-constant loud whistle blasts constantly being heard in common areas, dorm rooms, bathrooms, dining halls, and classrooms.

“One of our history professors warmly greeted his class and asked how their weekend was,” Bollinger said, “without realizing he was microaggressing students who are uncomfortable with the Gregorian calendar. So they were able to slam him with ear-shattering whistle blasts for the rest of the class period.”

“Our university is now a constant cacophony of whistle blasts. Progress!” he added.

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Reports from around the nation Thursday indicate that millions of American citizens were still reeling from the revelation that a prominent Christian couple holds a historically Christian position.

“We’re not saying people can’t be Christians,” a Seattle woman said in a Facebook comment. “This is a free country, after all. But when Christians decide to actually have Christian beliefs about things—I’m sorry, that’s just too far.”

A man in Denver agreed, stating that he prided himself on his deep appreciation of and support for freedom of beliefs and religious tolerance, “so long as Christians don’t publicly hold opinions I find disagreeable.”

“It’s almost as if they take the Bible seriously or something,” he added, shaking his head.

This revelation comes on the heels of a national Gallup poll released earlier this week indicating that over 95% of Americans agreed with the statement, “Christians are allowed to practice their beliefs, as long as everyone agrees with them.”

From The Babylon Bee.

 

OAK BLUFFS, MA—Carrying a 47-over-par performance to the 18th tee at Farm Neck Golf Club during his vacation on the island of Martha’s Vineyard Thursday, President Obama told golfing buddy Larry David that he was determined to “get one back,” sources reported.

After utilizing his 10th and final mulligan on an errant slice, the commander-in-chief hit a solid drive down the fairway from the red tees on the 435-yard par 5, leaving approximately 275 yards left to the front of the green. Then “the best couple of 3-woods [he has] ever hit,” along with a very lucky bounce, put him in a situation the leader of the free world has not seen in quite some time: a mere eight feet away from recording a birdie.

Recognizing the magnitude of the moment, David asked for permission to hole out his five-footer in order to set the stage for Obama’s birdie attempt, which the President granted.

“This one’s for all the poor folks down in the great state of Louisiana,” Obama reportedly said to David, before addressing the ball. The lefty then flawlessly executed his trademark outside-to-inside, wrist-heavy putting stroke, sending his customized Titleist skipping smoothly—right into the center of the cup.

After a nanosecond of solemn silence to honor the worst domestic natural disaster in four years, the President celebrated his birdie by dropping his putter and thrusting both fists into the air, whooping loudly, as nearby Secret Service agents applauded.

Waving to everyone who had witnessed the magical moment, Obama called out loudly, “That was for Louisiana!”

“Ask Larry—I even said it before I putted!” he added.

From The Babylon Bee.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section.

“We’ve heard the public outcry against our profiting from the sale of damnable heresy,” a Family Christian spokesperson wrote in a statement. “But fear not—we’ve worked hard to pull all the books by dangerous false teachers like Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, and T.D. Jakes, and move them under our new ‘False Teaching’ section so they’ll be much easier to locate.”

According to the statement, Family Christian Stores sales associates will be provided with additional training to help customers navigate the new section of false doctrine. “Our sales floor personnel will be given the very best instruction possible, to help customers discern which false teacher they’d like to get moral guidance and wacky theological ideas from with each visit to our stores.”

Speaking to reporters, an FCS sales director estimated that the “False Teaching” section is expected to take up the bulk of each store’s sales floor space, and will make up the lion’s share of company revenue going forward.