From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The aftermath of the sexual revolution is working out just splendidly, reported a nation filled with perverts, pedophiles, and sexual predators Friday afternoon.

The country currently reaping the consequences of decades of declining sexual morals reported it would do it all over again in a heartbeat, further stating that it was “really proud” of the progress it had made over the past fifty years. When asked about the numerous scandals, controversies, and painful repercussions of the sexual revolution coming to light in recent months, nearly every person in the nation confirmed it was “feeling great” about the sexual revolution and its insidious consequences.

“This is fine—totally fine,” one political commentator on NBC filling in for Matt Lauer said. “I think the sexual revolution is working out just great, and I’m proud to live in the US where we’re uninhibited by outdated ideas about human relationships, like monogamy and faithfulness.”

According to the country with dozens of famous celebrities, television pundits, and politicians currently embroiled in sexual scandals, the sexual revolution was a necessary period that allowed the nation to throw off the outdated, restricted shackles of religion and biblical morality.

“I really pity all those backward parts of the world that haven’t had the privilege of experiencing their own sexual revolution,” one politician said as he checked Twitter to see if his own personal indiscretions had been revealed yet. “One day, they’ll be enlightened too.”

Related:

Entirety of Congress to Preemptively Resign over Sexual Improprieties

Unrelated:

Church Solves Tardiness Problem by Volunteering All Latecomers to Children’s Ministry

From The Babylon Bee.

LAKEWOOD, CO—According to reports, a same-sex Lakewood couple informed a local business owner their private love life is none of his business, while insisting that he and his company approve and fully accept their love life, sources confirmed Wednesday.

 

The couple, whose relationship may violate the privately held religious beliefs of some Americans, including the business owner, told him to “get out of our bedroom” while they demanded he use his business to openly affirm and celebrate their lifestyle choices.

“How dare he force his extremist views on us?” the couple reportedly asked, while threatening to bring legal action and destroy his livelihood if he would not defy his widely-held religious beliefs in order to provide a service that they could easily receive at dozens of other local, willing companies.

“We have rights. No one can tell us how to live our lives!” the couple told sources, as they used the justice system to force the business owner to violate his own convictions and coerce him to applaud their personal decisions.

“After all, this is America!” they added.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Nation Fondly Remembers Time Just Two Years Ago When Everyone Said Gay Marriage Wouldn’t Affect Christians

The Babylon Bee’s Top Ten Books of 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—New projections worked up by the New York Times in conjunction with liberal think tank Progress At All Costs suggest that the new Republican tax plan will kill up to 18 billion people out of the 7.4 billion people currently living on the planet.

The Times published its findings on Monday, sounding the alarm that the adjusted tax plan will mean certain death for everybody on the planet “and then some.”

“We’ve run the numbers, and the tweaks to the current tax code will definitely kill everyone at least twice,” the Times wrote in its grave prediction. “Even those living outside the U.S. will be slaughtered by a ripple effect generated by the shuffling around of the current tax system, as minor as the adjustments may seem to some.”

“This is the end of humanity,” the Times article concluded ominously.

The detailed report suggested that the government taking slightly less money from the citizens of the U.S. would have detrimental effects, causing everything from volcanic eruptions and destructive tidal waves to a catastrophic, intergalactic invasion from aliens who feed on all organic life.

 

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—New documents recently uncovered by Smithsonian historians confirmed that the group of pilgrims and Indians who gathered for the first Thanksgiving argued vehemently about politics throughout the course of the meal.

The newly discovered journal seems to indicate that just after giving thanks for the meal, one Pilgrim from England drank too much mead and began to rant about “making the colonies great again,” kicking off several hours of hostile glances, passive-aggressive remarks, and flat-out argumentation.

“Apparently, Uncle Charles was asked to eat at the kids’ table after a tirade about how real patriots need to support King James I, and several Wampanoag Indians and younger Puritans alike wouldn’t stop talking about their participation in a string of violent protests throughout the colonies,” Dr. Gary Etherton, a Smithsonian researcher said Tuesday. “They called themselves ‘the Resistance’ for some reason.”

Arguments centered around “common sense musket control” raged as one Pilgrim mother complained about the large quantity of wheellock muskets left lying around without observing proper gun safety rules, while at the other end of the table, a fistfight broke out over a Ten Commandment display in front of the Plymouth General Court.

At publishing time, historians had also confirmed that the bickering over politics ceased briefly for a pick-up American football game on an adjacent lawn.

From The Babylon Bee.

PORTLAND, OR—Local bigot Jordyn Michaels reported Wednesday she is still refusing to call God His preferred gender pronouns, insisting on referring to Him as “God the Mother,” “She,” and “Her,” sources confirmed.

 

Despite being called out for hate speech by her fellow progressives, Michaels continues to refuse to utilize the pronouns God used for Himself in the Bible.

“I know our great Mother God never refers to Herself as a woman in the Scriptures, but I’m gonna go ahead and do it anyway,” the backward, prejudiced woman said on a Patheos blog entry entitled “Discovering Sacred Serenity In Mother God.”

“I refuse to bow to male normative traditions imposed on me. My own feelings dictate reality, and right now they’re dictating that God can be communicated with as a female if I really want Her to be.”

At publishing time, the hopelessly bigoted woman had confirmed she would continue upholding oppressive gender norms by referring to God with female pronouns that were created by a patriarchal gender construct.

ATLANTA, GA—According to sources close to local 32-year-old John Rettner, the man recently stated that “praying doesn’t help anything,” while his own idea of helping is just trolling under activist hashtags on Facebook and Twitter.

After every national tragedy and disaster, the man can be seen making fun of those offering “thoughts and prayers” while the only thing he himself has ever contributed to help those in need is his Facebook posts, sources confirmed.

“All your guys’ thoughts and prayers don’t do anything,” he wrote in a lengthy rant online. “Unlike you religious plebs, I’m committed to help out my fellow man by calling people names on social media.”

The man’s generous aid package for those hurt in recent tragedies has included “savage” memes mocking those who offer to pray for the victims, brutal comebacks on religious family members’ posts, and utilizing popular hashtags to self-righteously promote his positions on social issues.

“We can’t just sit around offering thoughts and prayers. We have to take action by attacking people online,” he said later.

http://babylonbee.com/news/praying-doesnt-help-anything-says-man-whose-idea-helping-trolling-internet/

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has once again updated its privacy policy for its users, replacing the long and complex text spelling out all the ways the company can use your personal data with the term “LOL,” the tech behemoth confirmed Monday.

“We wanted to be more forthright with our users,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “We could give you this boring tome of legalese, or we could simply put it in terms everyone can understand. The popular internet abbreviation for ‘laughing out loud’ is an accurate, concise summary of how we feel about your private data.”

“It’s short, sweet, and to the point,” he added.

Users joining the site for the first time are asked to read the three-letter privacy policy in its entirety before clicking “accept” to acknowledge that the social networking company just laughs its collective keister off at the notion of any Facebook user having any kind of privacy whatsoever.

In a bid for transparency, the social network further updated its policy page on shutting down pages and profiles Facebook officials deem offensive or intolerant to simply display a picture of Big Brother from George Orwell’s dystopian novel 1984, sources confirmed at publishing time.