Author Archives: GruntOfMonteCristo

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About GruntOfMonteCristo

Fearless and Devout Catholic Christian First, Loving Husband and Father Second, Pissed-Off Patriot Third, Rocket Engineer Dork Last.
by | September 18, 2014 · 4:38 pm

Dr. ‘Fraudpants’ Mann’s Lawsuit Against Mark Steyn Generating Hilarity on Twitter

MannGraph2
Something significant happened Tuesday in the court case filed by Penn State’s Professor Michael E. Mann against notorious “climate denier” Mark Steyn. The very poorly thought-out lawsuit, perhaps encouraged by some of the worst lawyers in the world, was filed in order to silence Mr. Steyn from criticizing the “settled” climate science claims of Dr. Mann. I’ll let Mr. Steyn describe the new developments:

Ever since this tedious suit was launched by Doctor Fraudpants in defense of his global-warming hockey stick, Michael Mann’s supporters have insisted that it’s not, as I and my fellow defendants have insisted, about free speech. Instead, as they see it, it’s about science finally fighting back against a sustained assault by Koch-funded “denialists”.

A few weeks ago, you’ll recall, the ACLU, The Washington Post, NBC News, The Los Angeles Times and various other notorious right-wing deniers all filed amici briefs opposed to Michael Mann and his assault on free speech. They did this not because they have any great love for me, but because their antipathy to wackjob foreign blowhards is outweighed by their appreciation of the First Amendment – and an understanding of the damage a Mann victory would inflict on it.

Well, yesterday was the deadline, and not a single amicus brief was filed on behalf of Mann. Not one. So Michael Mann is taking a stand for science. But evidently science is disinclined to take a stand for Michael Mann. The self-appointed captain of the hockey team is playing solo.

But that’s not all that happened. In the wake of his lawsuit misfortunes, Dr. Mann decided to go public with a Twitter discussion entitled #askdrmann that was intended to demonstrate the overwhelming support for Mann’s climate change hysteria. That’s not the way it worked out. In fact, over the last two days, the Twitter traffic on that hashtag hit the ground running as a hilarious mock-fest against the good doctor, and it hasn’t let up. The exchange has been reported by Twitchy, and here are some examples:

MannCahrt4

3 Comments

Filed under Climate, First Amendment, Science

by | September 16, 2014 · 3:16 pm

NASA to Make Crew Announcement in U.S. Return to Space

Gruntington Post (Satire) – NASA Chief Administrator Charles Bolden is expected to make an important announcement today at 4pm from the Kennedy Space Center regarding the long expected U.S. return to manned space. Reports from the Agency, which has been preparing for this moment for over a year under direction from the White House, indicate that a crew will be announced at the press conference today. The photo below was distributed to the Press beforehand, and it shows the entire new astronaut corps discussing a model of the new Orion Crew Module, but no names have been yet divulged.
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Filed under NASA, Science

by | September 10, 2014 · 6:57 pm

America Gears Up for Most Epic Obama Speech Drinking Game; ERs On Alert

DISCLAIMER: This blog does NOT encourage anyone to drink alcohol or consume any intoxicants during Presidential speeches. Also, it should be kept in mind that discharging firearms toward TV sets is always dangerous and should never be attempted, especially if children are present, even if your aim is good.
President Barack Obama Makes Key Speech In Cairo
Emergency rooms across America are bracing for an unprecedented influx of alcohol poisoning cases in the wake of President Obama’s speech tonight beginning at 9pm ET. As always, there will be a half-hour delay in the actual beginning of the speech as the White House staff locates the President and gets him changed out of his golf clothes, so the speech will not commence until 9:30pm ET. This extra half hour delay is a particular concern to hospital staffs because it allows Americans to engage in “pre-game” drinking as they wait in front of their TVs and listen to news anchors fill empty time with chatter about the President’s ‘challenges.’

As with all of President Obama’s speeches, Las Vegas odds-makers and conservative pundits are calculating the probabilities of the usual buzzwords being used.  This time, however, the level of hopelessness of the ISIS situation combined with the narrow focus advertised for this speech make it virtually certain that everyone knows ahead of time what he will propose and exactly which pseudo-military buzzwords and phrases he will spew.  Journalists are warning people to avoid the usual drinking triggers used in the past, such as the ubiquitous “I, me, my” trio.  Those words have been known to number in the low hundreds for a single speech rendering them impractical.  Derek Hunter of the Daily Caller suggests the following warning:

WARNING: As with any drinking game involving a speech from the President and buzzwords, discretion is your friend. If you take a drink at every one of his meaningless platitudes you will be dead by the end of it, or an honorary Kennedy. Either option is bad.

ObamaDG6
He suggests this drinking trigger list:
Let me be clear.
Bring them to justice.
Boots on the ground.
Inclusive government.
Regional powers.
There are some who will say…(Strawman alert)

Finish your drink if he says:
The wrong side of history.
I (or my administration) will not rest.
Community of nations.

Finish the bottle if he says:
We will hunt these monsters down, whatever it takes, and wipe them off the face of the Earth.
ObamaDG2
Blogger David Burge, known as IowaHawk, suggests these trigger words:
Broad.
Comprehensive.
Multifaceted.
Strategy.
Bold.
Robust.

Regardless which words you use, we recommend an extremely limited and cautious approach, perhaps using only a single phrase, such as: “ISIL represents NO religion.”  And if you are a first responder, such as a paramedic or ER doctor, our prayers are with you tonight.

19 Comments

Filed under Armed Forces, ISIS, Middle East

by | September 6, 2014 · 7:00 am

ISIS Threatens Revenge for Counterfeit Flags

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Gruntington Post (Parody): It’s been reported by extremely reliable news sources, such as the World News Bureau, that the Islamic State has threatened to kill everyone responsible for thousands of counterfeit ISIS flags (above) being distributed by elusive vendors worldwide and mistakenly bought by eager Jihad supporters throughout the Middle East, southeast Asia and, for some reason, Detroit. According to WNS:

The infidels who have profaned Allah’s chosen symbol for his divine caliphate will drown in their own blood – this we promise,” claimed ISIS spokesman al-Fhart Aldai.

There are suspicions, unconfirmed, that the flags originate in the United States, possibly as part of a promotional scheme by the Boar’s Butt Brewing Company in Charleston, South Carolina. In fact, the Gruntington Post has uncovered additional instances of other ISIS banners being substituted for fakes, such as the one below at a rally in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, and these are also linked to Boar’s Butt.
Flag1
During a grueling undercover operation in the bars of Charleston which involved drinking enormous amounts of microbrew ale, operatives for the Post uncovered documents indicating that BB Brewing was intercepting the ISIS shipments of cheap Chinese-made nylon flags and replacing them with their own cheap Chinese-made nylon flags with offensive slogans and images. Apparently this was done covertly by boarding container ships traveling by Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean on their way to the Strait of Hormuz.  It is believed that this could only have been done with the help of U.S. Military resources at Diego Garcia.  When asked if the U.S. Government might be involved, U.S. State Dept Tri-Delt Spokes-Pledge Marie Harf made an extensive statement.  It wasn’t recorded what she said, but after she talked for a few minutes, it became obvious that the State Department couldn’t possibly be involved in anything as awesome as this flag-swapping operation.  If personnel from Diego Garcia were involved, they must have been doing it without the knowledge of their civilian leadership.
Flag2

8 Comments

Filed under ISIS, Islam

by | September 5, 2014 · 3:03 am

Fly with Confidence, America; Those ISIS Activists on Your Flight are Mostly Harmless

Back4“Do you trust me?” So asked the petite, blonde, senior Delta flight attendant in the short red dress, fresh from delivering trays of cocktails to first class passengers. “Believe me, I’ve been through much worse than this on my plane before. Front page news stuff. Don’t want to talk about it right now, mind you.”

“But you can trust me, this woman is no physical threat. She’s just flown in from Dubai, which is an 18 hour flight, and she’s just a little irritable. She’s an American, but she’s absorbed a lot of the culture over there, if you know what I mean. I’ve got this under control.”

The 98 lb aspiring Navy SEAL was assuring me that I should not be concerned after she was running up and down the aisle asking passengers where the woman with the “thingy” on her head was sitting. I believed her, though she would have been more convincing had she known what a hijab is. And been a hundred pounds heavier. And been a man with a gun.

As it was, I’d already heard quite enough to be concerned about how this flight was shaping up yesterday. I was on my way home to Denver after a long work trip on the east coast. The woman with the zebra hijab was in my row, and even before we took off, she’d wasted no time in provoking the other women in the row into panic by chatting about terrorism.  They responded by burying their faces in their books and by begging her to mind her own business. She then moved on to me, insisting that I witness some imaginary insult someone had done to her, and stating loudly to the whole section that “You see this?? This is TERROR!” I don’t even know what she was talking about. Perhaps she was upset that the flight attendants had not brought her before-take-off wine yet. But several things were clear: she was neither truly upset nor irritable in any way. She was relaxed and playing a part, and it was quite a performance.  She was also clearly an activist.  And that’s what worried me. Continue reading →

5 Comments

Filed under 9/11, Immigration, Islam, Middle East, TSA