Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—Mass panic broke out Saturday morning as a Rapture alert was sent out to cell phone networks all across the world, indicating that Jesus’s return was imminent and that any unsaved persons should “get right with God” immediately.

 

The alert was reportedly sent out my mistake by angelic emergency alert personnel, who quickly issued a retraction as soon as the error was discovered. Panicked citizens frantically took shelter in storm drains culverts, sewer manholes, and Baptist churches in the harrowing 38 minutes before the correction was sent out, according to sources from around the world.

“An angel newly assigned to our Rapture alert department simply pushed the wrong button during a routine test,” a solemn Michael the Archangel said in a press conference. “He was supposed to select ‘Test rapture alert’ from a drop-down menu on a computer program, but clicked on ‘Rapture alert’ instead.”

“We apologize for any anguish this may have caused,” he added.

Christians from around the world called and texted their loved ones goodbye after the first, fake alert was sent out, while thousands of excited dispensationalists posted messages online saying things like “So long, suckers!” and “Enjoy the next seven years of tribulation, heathens!”

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—Immediately upon Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s recent declaration of the entire city of Chicago as an official “crime-free zone,” every criminal in the city suddenly and miraculously left the urban area, according to a statement released by the city council.

“We declare every part of the city of Chicago a crime-free zone,” Emanuel announced in a Thursday appearance on CBS This Morning. “It is now physically impossible for any crime to be committed in our great city, because we declared it a zone of peace and harmony and criminals have no choice but to abide by our new rule.”

Emanuel claimed he didn’t want to resort to such extreme legislative measures, but as the crime situation in Chicago didn’t seem to be getting any better, his hand was forced.

“I finally decided to use the strongest weapon at our disposal: declaring things illegal,” he said.

Stunned onlookers claim the second the legislation banning any criminals from the city was signed into law, dangerous gangsters, conniving drug dealers, and thieving hooligans fled the city on foot, as though compelled by some kind of strange, alien force.

“Witness the awesome power of declaring things to be banned and watching them instantly disappear into nothingness!” Emanuel said.

At publishing time, Governor Jerry Brown had taken a page from Emanuel’s book, declaring Hollywood a “perversion-free” zone and immediately ending all ongoing sex scandals in the city.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

In Historic Compromise, Border Wall To Be Built Around Hollywood

Man Bravely Abandons Unpopular Christian Belief to Affirm Extremely Popular Cultural Belief

Biblical Age of Accountability Raised to 30 for Millennials

Nation’s Progressives Suddenly in Favor of Electing TV Personalities as President

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Moments after Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing speech at the Golden Globe Awards Sunday night in what some claimed to be the soft launch of her 2020 presidential bid, the nation’s progressives declared they were now in favor of TV personalities running for president. 
Millions of Democrats who denounced Donald Trump for his lack of experience throughout the 2016 race announced they had changed their minds overnight and are now fully supportive of a television star running the country.

“Even though I claimed Trump was ‘an unqualified television celebrity’ all through 2016 and that we needed a real leader with real experience in the White House, I have now changed positions. We need Oprah in 2020!” one woman in California told reporters. “I’m with her!”

At publishing time, millions of Democrats had also reversed positions on ridiculously wealthy celebrities running for the presidency upon discovering Oprah Winfrey is worth over $3 billion.