Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

The Bible is really long. Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can understand. We reduced every book to a single, memorable line, so you don’t have to read a word of it for yourself. Nice!

Forget about reading through the Bible in a year—now you can read through the Bible in about five minutes!

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.

Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.

Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.

Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.

Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.

Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.

1 Samuel – David & Goliath.

2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.

1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!

2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…

1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.

2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.

Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.

Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.

Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.

Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!

Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.

Lamentations – 😥

Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.

Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.

Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.

Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.

Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.

John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.

Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.

1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.

2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.

Galatians – Romans but shorter.

Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.

Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.

2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.

1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.

2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.

Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.

Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.

James – Act more gooder, people.

1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.

2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.

1 John – God is love m’kay?

2 John – Yup, He’s still love.

3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.

Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.

Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!

From The Babylon Bee.

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA—In a selfless move designed to help victims of sexual harassment and abuse, Universal Pictures announced Tuesday it would be donating all proceeds from the new Fifty Shades Freed movie—the final chapter in the blockbuster trilogy featuring a creepily aggressive, controlling male lead and raunchy sex and bondage scenes—to foundations that support the #MeToo movement.

 

According to the company, all profits from ticket and movie sales of the film focused on an unhealthy, abusive relationship will go toward ensuring women aren’t objectified, harassed, or otherwise victimized by men who use their wealth and status as leverage.

“Every time you purchase a ticket to watch Anastasia Steele and creepily obsessive BDSM fanatic Christian Grey in gratuitous sex scenes, you can rest secure in the knowledge that you’re helping prevent predatory objectification and harassment of women,” a Universal rep said in a press conference. “You’re doing your part.”

Universal also claimed it would be selling the Fifty Shades trilogy on Blu-ray in a special “#MeToo Edition.” The set will include a bonus documentary on the #MeToo movement and let viewers know how they can help victimized women, right after they finish watching hours of a fictional abusive romance at home.

At publishing time, on the heels of the announcement, selfless feminists had flocked to the erotic film in droves for the sole purpose of helping victimized women, as worldwide box office revenue approached $140 million for the final installment of the billion-dollar-plus franchise.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Woman to Shelve Belief That Gender Is Social Construct for Few Minutes While Boyfriend Changes Flat Tire on Side of Road

Family Exiting Church Unable to Find Minivan in Sea of Identical Minivans

Duggar Family to Kick Out One Kid Each Week in Cutthroat Reality Show

Sports Illustrated Takes Stand Against Sexual Harassment by Putting Naked Women on Cover

Local Man Takes Advantage of 3-Hour DMV Wait to Pen Blog Post Arguing for Government-Run Healthcare

Family Prays at McDonald’s, Food Miraculously Transforms Into Chick-Fil-A

Kirk Cameron Pleads for God to Spare Hollywood: ‘If You Find 10 Righteous, Will You Spare the City?’

 

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources, Vice President Mike Pence snuck into the Capitol a few hours before President Trump’s State of the Union address Tuesday and smeared Super Glue all over the Democrats’ seats so they would be stuck sitting down for the entire speech.

 Hilarious!

“He’s been a prankster ever since he was a Congressman,” said one Republican aide. “Plastic wrap over the toilets, unscrewing the caps on the cafeteria salt shakers—his hijinks are legendary.”

Thanks to the VP’s wacky stunt, the unwitting Democrats were unable to stand and applaud for the duration of Trump’s speech, as he talked about Americans paying less taxes, record low unemployment, businesses promising thousands of new jobs, and even when the assembly honored the parents of two girls killed by MS-13 gang members.

Instead of being able to rise to their feet and clap with the Republicans, the Democrats were forced to sit the whole time with dour looks on their faces. What a priceless gag!

Classic Mike Pence!

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

‘Passion of the Christ’ Sequel to Feature Jesus Helping Founders Establish America

Internal Planned Parenthood Memo Listing Possible Successors to Cecile Richards Leaked

Joel Osteen Sees Own Shadow, Predicts Another Year of Taking Bible out of Context

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—Voting down a measure that would have banned most abortions after 20 weeks gestation, Senate Democrats on Monday refused to grant legal status to millions of unborn children dreaming of one day being born.

 

House Republicans passed a bill last week that would guarantee citizens’ rights for U.S. children over 20 weeks gestation, the age at which all unborn babies have been scientifically proven to hear voices and feel pain. Senate Democrats killed the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act on Monday, keeping the United States one of only seven nations on earth that allows unrestricted abortion at any time during pregnancy.

“Frankly, I’m tired of the Republicans’ sob stories about these so-called ‘dreamers’ who are deliberately hiding inside a womb, hoping for government protection without going through the proper channels,” a DNC spokesperson told reporters. “Maybe it’s not their fault their parents brought them into this world, but that does not give them the same Constitutional right to life that hardworking, natural-born Americans have earned.”

Sources confirm Democrats may consider an abortion ban after 24 weeks, since the unborn child would be three-fifths of the way through a typical 40-week pregnancy by that point. “I really admire the idea of a 3/5 compromise,” said one Democrat senator. “America has used the 3/5 compromise before, when we were forced to admit that people who are property are still partially human. It worked really well.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Trump Supporter Executed Live on Stage at Grammy Awards

After Killing 20-Week Abortion Ban, Democrats Resume Lecturing People About Compassion

Visa Offers New Dave Ramsey Credit Card with Credit Limit of Zero

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST ROXBURY, MA—Most expectant couples can’t wait to find out the sex of their unborn baby at around 18–20 weeks gestation. But they’re in for a surprise if they visit the OB/GYN office where Marianne Wynne is an ultrasound technician.

Wynne, a self-described “hyper-progressive ally,” steadfastly refuses to tell anxious couples whether their child is a boy or a girl when they come in for their ultrasound appointment, choosing instead of lecture her patients about the dangers of forcing their child into a binary system and carelessly gendering them before they have a say in the matter.

“Who are we to make this decision for them?” she told one young couple Tuesday after they came in for a prenatal checkup, according to the patients.

“It was so weird—she was really aggressive,” Melinda Harper, the expectant mother, told reporters after her appointment. “I was begging her to tell me whether I was having a boy or a girl and she just kept repeating ‘I refuse to force a gender on this potential human.’”

“She told me to do the responsible, loving thing and wait five or six years and then ask my child how they would like to identify,” she added.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Modern-Day Rebel Plans to Grow Up, Get Married, Be Productive Member of Society

Medical Marvel: Cecile Richards Is Somehow Able to Sleep at Night

Joel Osteen Signs Endorsement Deal with Colgate

Man Scrawls Imprecatory Psalm Across IRS Form 1040 While Filing Taxes

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