Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation was in an absolute uproar as the GOP tax bill passed Congress Wednesday and made its way to President Trump’s desk, with millions of irate citizens expressing their total fury over the fact that the federal government will now be taking less of their money week in and week out.

 

Hordes of protesters gathered in the nation’s capital to decry the decrease of government taxation of their incomes, sources confirmed.

“America is dead,” one weeping woman said as she found out she would be giving the government $2,000 less under the new tax plan. “If ever there were a time for Americans to rise up and revolt against government oppression, this is it.”

“George Washington died for our right to give large portions of our paychecks to the federal government, and today Republicans are dancing on his grave,” she added before screaming wildly at the sky in hysterics.

At publishing time, relieved citizens discovered that the new tax rates are merely minimums, and they are free to pay as high a rate as they wish.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Worship Leader Who Reads Music Arrested on Suspicion of Witchcraft

Local Father Looking Forward to Spending Entire Christmas Holiday Assembling Family’s Gifts

Local Snowflake Resents Being Compared to Fragile College Students

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Tech titan Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, came out strongly against the repeal of net neutrality Friday, calling the rollback of the Obama-era regulation an “injustice.”

“Internet Service Providers should not be able to decide what people can see online,” the man who decides what two billion people can see online every day said in a Facebook video that was placed in front of the precise amount of people he wished. “It’s a violation of a free and open internet.”

“Furthermore, ISPs should not be able to charge more for certain content,” Zuckerberg intoned, though part of his $523 billion company’s revenue comes from throttling the reach of publishers’ content unless the publisher pays Facebook to show their content to people who signed up to see it anyway.

The boss of the largest social network in the world, which is widely known to smother or close down conservative pages for violating what it calls its community guidelines, stressed that the fight for net neutrality is not over. “We’re ready to work with members of Congress and others to help make the internet free and open for everyone.”

“All content should be treated equally,” he added, the slightest hint of a grin curling up the side of his mouth as the video ended.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Jesus Criticized for Culturally Appropriating Human Nature

GOP Announces Sweeping New Plan to Lose All Senate Seats by 2022

Amy Grant Releases 200th Christmas Album

Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Over Time

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The aftermath of the sexual revolution is working out just splendidly, reported a nation filled with perverts, pedophiles, and sexual predators Friday afternoon.

The country currently reaping the consequences of decades of declining sexual morals reported it would do it all over again in a heartbeat, further stating that it was “really proud” of the progress it had made over the past fifty years. When asked about the numerous scandals, controversies, and painful repercussions of the sexual revolution coming to light in recent months, nearly every person in the nation confirmed it was “feeling great” about the sexual revolution and its insidious consequences.

“This is fine—totally fine,” one political commentator on NBC filling in for Matt Lauer said. “I think the sexual revolution is working out just great, and I’m proud to live in the US where we’re uninhibited by outdated ideas about human relationships, like monogamy and faithfulness.”

According to the country with dozens of famous celebrities, television pundits, and politicians currently embroiled in sexual scandals, the sexual revolution was a necessary period that allowed the nation to throw off the outdated, restricted shackles of religion and biblical morality.

“I really pity all those backward parts of the world that haven’t had the privilege of experiencing their own sexual revolution,” one politician said as he checked Twitter to see if his own personal indiscretions had been revealed yet. “One day, they’ll be enlightened too.”

Related:

Entirety of Congress to Preemptively Resign over Sexual Improprieties

Unrelated:

Church Solves Tardiness Problem by Volunteering All Latecomers to Children’s Ministry

From The Babylon Bee.

LAKEWOOD, CO—According to reports, a same-sex Lakewood couple informed a local business owner their private love life is none of his business, while insisting that he and his company approve and fully accept their love life, sources confirmed Wednesday.

 

The couple, whose relationship may violate the privately held religious beliefs of some Americans, including the business owner, told him to “get out of our bedroom” while they demanded he use his business to openly affirm and celebrate their lifestyle choices.

“How dare he force his extremist views on us?” the couple reportedly asked, while threatening to bring legal action and destroy his livelihood if he would not defy his widely-held religious beliefs in order to provide a service that they could easily receive at dozens of other local, willing companies.

“We have rights. No one can tell us how to live our lives!” the couple told sources, as they used the justice system to force the business owner to violate his own convictions and coerce him to applaud their personal decisions.

“After all, this is America!” they added.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Nation Fondly Remembers Time Just Two Years Ago When Everyone Said Gay Marriage Wouldn’t Affect Christians

The Babylon Bee’s Top Ten Books of 2017

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK, NY—New projections worked up by the New York Times in conjunction with liberal think tank Progress At All Costs suggest that the new Republican tax plan will kill up to 18 billion people out of the 7.4 billion people currently living on the planet.

The Times published its findings on Monday, sounding the alarm that the adjusted tax plan will mean certain death for everybody on the planet “and then some.”

“We’ve run the numbers, and the tweaks to the current tax code will definitely kill everyone at least twice,” the Times wrote in its grave prediction. “Even those living outside the U.S. will be slaughtered by a ripple effect generated by the shuffling around of the current tax system, as minor as the adjustments may seem to some.”

“This is the end of humanity,” the Times article concluded ominously.

The detailed report suggested that the government taking slightly less money from the citizens of the U.S. would have detrimental effects, causing everything from volcanic eruptions and destructive tidal waves to a catastrophic, intergalactic invasion from aliens who feed on all organic life.

 

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—New documents recently uncovered by Smithsonian historians confirmed that the group of pilgrims and Indians who gathered for the first Thanksgiving argued vehemently about politics throughout the course of the meal.

The newly discovered journal seems to indicate that just after giving thanks for the meal, one Pilgrim from England drank too much mead and began to rant about “making the colonies great again,” kicking off several hours of hostile glances, passive-aggressive remarks, and flat-out argumentation.

“Apparently, Uncle Charles was asked to eat at the kids’ table after a tirade about how real patriots need to support King James I, and several Wampanoag Indians and younger Puritans alike wouldn’t stop talking about their participation in a string of violent protests throughout the colonies,” Dr. Gary Etherton, a Smithsonian researcher said Tuesday. “They called themselves ‘the Resistance’ for some reason.”

Arguments centered around “common sense musket control” raged as one Pilgrim mother complained about the large quantity of wheellock muskets left lying around without observing proper gun safety rules, while at the other end of the table, a fistfight broke out over a Ten Commandment display in front of the Plymouth General Court.

At publishing time, historians had also confirmed that the bickering over politics ceased briefly for a pick-up American football game on an adjacent lawn.