Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a recent press conference, Democrats unveiled an aggressive, surefire plan to ensure Trump gets reelected in 2020.

“Every part of this proposal was designed to make us look absolutely insane, making sure that Trump regains the White House in two years,” said one Democratic lawmaker at the unveiling of the bill. “From far-left radical agenda items to scientifically impossible goals and economic suicide, this plan has it all.”

The bill was specifically designed to turn off everyone in the country except the far left. Architects of the proposal were careful to include crazy ideas like eliminating cars and airplanes, replacing or upgrading every building in the country at taxpayer expense, and handing control of the economy over to the already bloated federal government. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

VIRGINIA—In a statement issued from on high, the Almighty has agreed to spare the state of Virginia from His imminent wrath if state officials can locate just ten Democrats who never wore blackface or a KKK costume at some point in their lives.

God had announced His plan to immediately destroy Virginia, but Democrat leaders quickly begged him to spare the state if they could locate just 50 Democrats who never dressed in blackface. Being unable to do so, they managed to get the Lord to reduce the requirement to 40, then 30, then 20, and finally just 10. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The increasingly secular nation has replaced its outdated religious ideas with more advanced, enlightened ideas, like telling you what behavior is immoral and predicting when the world is going to end.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has just predicted that the world will end in 12 years if you do not give the government more power over your life. Leftists across the country agreed this is a big improvement on outlandish religious claims that the world will end and you will be judged for your sin one day soon.

In addition, Lady Gaga pronounced Mike Pence’s Christianity as lacking morality, a claim immediately praised by the same people who agree that morality is relative and that you can’t judge people based on who they are or what they do. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—News media outlets around the country were reportedly astonished to discover a Christian school at which second lady Karen Pence is teaching holds their students and staff to Christian beliefs.

Expert journalists went to great lengths to uncover this story, unveiling the shocking revelation that a Christian woman teaches at a Christian school that affirms Christian doctrine on human sexuality that has been unchanged for 2,000 years.

“It is the current year, and Christian schools still have the nerve to teach Christian things,” said a CNN commentator. “I will now glare at the camera in silence for the remainder of the program so you know just how upset I am by this.” He only lasted 3 minutes, however, before going on a tirade about something Trump said on Twitter.

“We don’t hate Christians,” said a writer for one left-leaning blog. “We just hate Christians who believe Christian things.”

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several aides sat Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez down Monday to show to her how her radical, socialist tax plans simply don’t add up, explaining how she needs to make radical changes if she’s going to make any headway implementing her policies. 

In response to the cold, hard numbers that shredded her economic plans, Ocasio-Cortez pointed out that she was being unfairly targeted by objective facts because she’s a woman and a minority.

“When my economic plans are revealed to be hopelessly flawed, it becomes obvious that numbers have a deep-seated, institutional bias against me because I’m a woman,” she said. “Would the numbers call this stuff out if I were a man? No, of course they wouldn’t. Mathematical facts are simply not comfortable with a powerful, strong woman like me.” Continue reading →