Category Archives: Funny Stuff

H/t ZMalfoy

It’s been seven long, cruel, heartbreaking years we have suffered under the tyranny of an incompetent, vainglorious monster whose sole qualification for the most important job in the world is that a liberal tramp spread her legs for an African philanderer. Many media outlets post lists of significant people and events that happened in the year past but I’m not much for lists and I’d rather forget a large majority of 2015. I just pray the Lord give us strength to endure the next 386 days until the muslim trash struts from the White House and the corrupt Queen of Lies and her rapist partner set about finishing off what’s left of this once-great nation.

OK, OK, I’LL ADMIT IT. I LISTENED TO MANILOW.
I ALSO HAD WORE POLYESTER LEISURE SUITS AND DANCED THE HUSTLE.
IT’S JUST ANOTHER NEW YEAR’S EVE BARRY MANILOW

THERE…CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL

….before something hits back.

Strike while the iron’s hot
Make hay while the sun shines
A stitch in time saves nine
Speak in haste, repent in leisure
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse
If you have to ask how much, you can’t afford it
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
A Bush in the hand is worth 100,000 Obamas (just made that one up)
If your nose runs and your feet smell you were built upside down
The last thing a bug sees as it hits the windshield is his ass

The preceding is an excerpt from my upcoming book: Words of Wisdom from My Grandparents and Other Nonsensical Crap

THIS IS A SORE SPOT WITH ME; I NEED ONE OF THESE WHEN I GO TO WALMART BECAUSE OF MY COPD.
WHEN I GET THERE AND ALL THE CARTS ARE BEING USED, THERE ARE ALWAYS SOME 300 POUNDERS RIDING AROUND, WITH HER FIVE KIDS PUSHING A CARTFUL OF JUNK FOOD BECAUSE HER EBT CARD HAD MONEY ON IT.

TWO ITALIAN FRIENDS OF GRANPA WANTED HIM TO GROW SOME ZUCCHINI FOR THEM
(SOME CALL THEM KUGUTSA)
WE LET THEM GROW AND THEY LOOKED LIKE THIS.
ERNIE AND WHITEY WERE HORRIFIED. WE DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HARVEST THEM WHILE THEY’RE STILL YOUNG, ABOUT A FOOT OR SO LONG
TRUE STORY

[CtH: They taste so bad when they’re this size …. target practice is really all they’re good for!  LOL]

[CtH: True story from my neighborhood … my gf and I were out for a stroll and literally fell over laughing when we saw a neighbor vacuuming his grass. Turned out, it’s the best way to get all the driveway gravel that got shoveled up with snow out of the grass at the end of winter, so it doesn’t get caught in mower blades, dinging them and getting flung around like shrapnel. Our up-the-hill neighbor did this shrapnel thing once, hit our house so hard with the rock that it shook the windows and dented the siding! Anyway, I was really annoyed with myself for laughing, because we also have a gravel driveway, so I had to eat crow while I shop vacced our grass. However, this chick in the photo … upright vac outside and no gravel?  Yeah, probably drugs.]

*You’re really safe with me on the spoilers thing. I haven’t seen the new movie yet. 🙂

AWESOME rendition of Star Wars theme song!!

As an allergy sufferer, I just gotta say … this is not funny!!

And finally … my all-time favorite Star Wars toon!

It’s that magical time of year that children relish and (some) adults view with consternation. Months of buildup, shopping, decorating, wrapping, and for those of faith, worshipping. One certain sign of the season is our vaunted leader slithering off to squat on somebody else’s property in Hawaii for 2 1.2 weeks with his brood sow, uninterested offspring, his vehicles, Secret Service guards, his golf clubs, surf boards and an entourage of media bootlickers. It is his eighth straight year to party on our dime. Reports are it’s his last, but I’d bet even when Hillary replaces him he’ll sneak in one last fling on our dime. To add insult to injury, he’ll use the families of the San Bernardino victims to reiterate ‘that’s not who we are.’

Obama Schedule || Friday, December 18, 2015

1:50 pm EST || Holds a press conference; Briefing Room
5:15 pm EST || Departs for Hawaii vacation
7:55 pm PST || Arrives in San Bernardino, California
7:55 pm PST || Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama visit privately with families of victims of the terrorist attack; San Bernardino
9:35 pm PST || Departs San Bernardino
1:05 am HST || Arrives in Honolulu, Hawaii

In other news, what we already knew was reaffirmed when Lyin’ Paul Ryan pushed through a $1.1 TRILLION dollar omnibus spending bill to fund all of Obama’s wants, including another two year delay of the “Cadillac tax” on unions until Barry goes wherever he plans to live off the labor of others. The bill passed with a majority of Democrat votes and a corps of GOP backstabbers. Long live bipartisanship.

There was a Republican debate on CNN Tuesday. Wolf Blitzed tried to incite a food fight between Trump and Cruz. It was as predictable as it was boring.

There’s going to be a Democrat debate, if you can call it that, on Saturday night. This is by design. Their candidate of destiny is so toxic, they go to great lengths to minimize her exposure to the public because she’s so unlikeable. Or as unlikeable as a greedy, power-mad profane bitch with the blood of innocents on her hands can be.

I listen to Redeye radio while I’m working in the wee hours of the morning, and the other day they had a Trunp supporter call in. It was a little unsettling to hear one of his followers who supported not only his plan to impose tarriffs on imported goods, but his support for single-payer medical insurance. I’ve never been comfortable with a candidate who was a Democrat until a little more than a year ago. Sure, he’s bombastic but I liken him to green wood… a lot of smoke but no fire. Michael Bloomberg ran for mayor of New York as a Republican because there was less competition. He became an independent when he decided he was bigger than the law and ran for a third term, which had not been allowed until he changed the rules. Trump just strikes me the same way.

This will be my fifth Christmas here with you. Next week,I’ll post some of my favorite music and, of course, some funny stuff.

THEY SHOULD BE MOWED DOWN!

“GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE”…..Barack Obama

I WENT TO WALMART YESTERDAY TO PICK UP A PRESCRIPTION. THEY HAVE ABOUT 20 ELECTRIC CARTS THERE. THEY WERE ALL BEING USED. THIS TIME OF YEAR IS A LIFE LESSON IN MAN’S INHUMANITY TO MAN.

Just an assortment of odds and ends for anybody who happens to wander by.

My black friend Willie and I were chatting as we prepped our papers this morning, talking about nothing in particular. On a whim, I thought I’d see if I could get him started ranting, so I mentioned about what a filthy religion Islam is. To my knowledge, he’s not a muslim. Heck, he has a white wife and he works two jobs. But that was all it took.
“Have you ever read the Koran?” he asked.
“You mean the one that says if somebody doesn’t believe what you do you have a right to kill them? Or adulterers are to be stoned to death? Christians and Jews beheaded? Kill your daughter or wife if she speaks to a man who’s not a relative? Or the part about 40 year old men marrying 8 year old girls?’

He never heard a word. He just kept shouting about non-muslim terrorists, but couldn’t come up with anything but the Planned Parenthood shooting. This is the same friend who, after 7 years of Obama destroying the middle class, is still claiming these are all Bush’s fault. He’s still my friend but he is still firmly ensconced on the liberal plantation. There is no reasoning with unreasonable people.

PLANS HAVEN’T BEEN ANNOUNCED YET, BUT I’M SURE THE HAPPY CAMPERS WILL BE JETTING OFF TO HAWAII ON OUR DIME FOR A FEW WEEKS.

HILLARY’S BASE

There’s been so much happening this week I haven’t had cause to post anything silly. When I get so much in one of my folders I need to release.You know,like when you drink a lot of water before bedtime then get up first thing in the morning. Crummy analogy, but hey, it’s late.

TWO PEOPLE IN A SMART CAR WERE HOSPITALIZED WHEN THEY HAD A HEAD-ON COLLISION WITH A SQUIRREL. THE SQUIRREL WAS UNINJURED.