Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—All charges against Jussie Smollett for faking a hate crime against himself have been dropped after the Empire actor and well-respected employer of Nigerians used the “I have a lot of money” defense in court.

Smollett’s legal team argued that while his alleged crimes were bad, on the other hand, he has a lot of money. The legal strategy is known as the “Chicago Special” to locals. It’s a standard procedure used in Cook County.

Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A number of Democrats have proposed changes to the structure of government that they think would help them win, such as lowering the voting age to 16, abolishing the Electoral College, packing the Supreme Court, and changing how Senate seats are allocated. Now, though, some of the Democratic presidential hopefuls are attacking the heart of the matter: what they call an “outdated Constitution” that sometimes “allows Republicans to be elected.”

“The election of Trump exposed a fundamental flaw in the Constitution,” Senator Elizabeth Warren said at a campaign rally. “Everyone said Hillary was supposed to win, but she didn’t. And we’re afraid that in the future, maybe Democrats won’t win again. We can’t allow that.” Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

I’ve noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That’s a correlation — a science word that means “one caused the other.”

Now, I’m a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science — except economics which isn’t a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I’m going to act. I’m going to tweet, “Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers.” And I’m going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill — or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that’s easier. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST HATTIESBURG, MS—Local Southern Baptist pastor Pete Harrison resigned in disgrace earlier this week after admitting that he doesn’t like eating casseroles.

The scandal unfolded after a church congregant unearthed comments made by Harrison in a recorded sermon over 10 years ago, in which Harrison said he preferred “something healthy like a nice garden salad” to “fatty, unhealthy casseroles.”

Dozens of angered church members stormed Harrison’s home with pitchforks and torches hastily assembled out of the church’s unused front pew, demanding answers. The pastor emerged, frightened and sheepish, and made a statement. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal hit a snag when it lost the support of another freshman representative, Ilhan Omar. Omar had been an enthusiastic supporter of the Green New Deal and wanted to save the earth, but then she noticed something very disturbing when looking at a map of the earth: Earth is the planet on which Israel resides.

“You’ve been hypnotized by the Jews!” Omar accused a surprised Ocasio-Cortez. Omar then ripped up a copy of the Green New Deal. “This is just a plot to help Israel keep existing! Did AIPAC pay you off?”

Ocasio-Cortez was very apologetic, saying she hadn’t considered how her plan would affect Israel. She then vowed to change her plan so it might save the whole planet except where Israel resides. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief Monday while watching footage in which Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appeared to come out against the concept of reproducing.

Stating they realized that we really dodged a bullet this time, citizens all over the country expressed their sudden sense of comfort and serenity at the fact that Ocasio-Cortez would probably never have children. Fear and trepidation had swept the nation upon the realization that Ocasio-Cortez likely possessed the capability to reproduce actual human children, whom she would then ingrain with her values and politics for their entire childhoods before they would go on to have political careers of their own. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The youth vote is seen as key to a Democratic victory in 2020, but so far most of the announced candidates have not excited young people. That’s changed now that the extremely ancient socialist Bernie Sanders has slowly shuffled into the race.

“Boomers love fresh faces with brand new ideas,” explained political strategist Stacey Hernandez, “but they’re dying off. If you want young people, you need the oldest possible person you can find, spouting even older ideas that already failed repeatedly before any of us were born. That’s what kids love.” Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation’s liberals were struck by a devastating blow this week after finding out a hate crime, reported by Empire actor Jussie Smollet, didn’t actually happen.

“I needed this to be true,” said liberal columnist Hanna Spalding. “When I first heard the news of this attack, I was filled with so much hope. I felt so validated. Then that was taken away. Now I just want to cry into my pillow.”

The attack had been called “a modern-day lynching” by democratic presidential candidate Cory Booker but after Chicago police reported that the “trajectory of the investigation” into Smollet’s story had shifted, Smollet was stripped of his victim status. Booker became irate, phoning the Chicago police chief and shouting repeatedly, “Check it again! CHECK IT AGAIN!”
Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a recent press conference, Democrats unveiled an aggressive, surefire plan to ensure Trump gets reelected in 2020.

“Every part of this proposal was designed to make us look absolutely insane, making sure that Trump regains the White House in two years,” said one Democratic lawmaker at the unveiling of the bill. “From far-left radical agenda items to scientifically impossible goals and economic suicide, this plan has it all.”

The bill was specifically designed to turn off everyone in the country except the far left. Architects of the proposal were careful to include crazy ideas like eliminating cars and airplanes, replacing or upgrading every building in the country at taxpayer expense, and handing control of the economy over to the already bloated federal government. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

VIRGINIA—In a statement issued from on high, the Almighty has agreed to spare the state of Virginia from His imminent wrath if state officials can locate just ten Democrats who never wore blackface or a KKK costume at some point in their lives.

God had announced His plan to immediately destroy Virginia, but Democrat leaders quickly begged him to spare the state if they could locate just 50 Democrats who never dressed in blackface. Being unable to do so, they managed to get the Lord to reduce the requirement to 40, then 30, then 20, and finally just 10. Continue reading →