Jussie Smollett Utilizes Tried-and-True ‘I Have a Lot of Money’ Defense

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—All charges against Jussie Smollett for faking a hate crime against himself have been dropped after the Empire actor and well-respected employer of Nigerians used the “I have a lot of money” defense in court.

Smollett’s legal team argued that while his alleged crimes were bad, on the other hand, he has a lot of money. The legal strategy is known as the “Chicago Special” to locals. It’s a standard procedure used in Cook County.

“Yes, Mr. Smollett’s behavior does seem to warrant punishment,” his attorney said in a special hearing before a judge. “But you also have to consider the fact that he’s rich. Furthermore, he has money. And also, did I mention that he is absolutely loaded with cold, hard cash?”

“This concludes my arguments,” she said.

The attorney then pulled out a bag of money and tossed it in the general direction of Chicago’s finest judges and prosecutors, who made a mad dive for the cash while Smollett walked out a free man.

“We investigated the Jussie case and all we could find was these bags of cash,” a prosecutor on the case said, shrugging. “That’s enough exonerating evidence for us.”

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee: 

Universe Begins Collapsing In on Itself After Revelation Trump Was the One Telling the Truth All Along

Republicans Accused of Colluding With Reality to Defeat Green New Deal

Mueller Investigation Concludes Hillary Clinton Was Actually Just a Terrible Candidate

Beto: ‘The Decision to Run Someone Over Should Be Between a Driver and His Car’

Nation Awaits Apology from Media That Pushed Fake News Story for Two Years

Amid Ilhan Omar Controversy, America Quietly Lists Minnesota on Ebay


Filed under Funny Stuff

3 responses to “Jussie Smollett Utilizes Tried-and-True ‘I Have a Lot of Money’ Defense

  1. chrissythehyphenated

    “We investigated the Jussie case and all we could find was these bags of cash,” LOLOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. chrissythehyphenated

    “It is now obvious that our Republican colleagues are working in cahoots with the facts of life,” said Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “They’re agents of reality. No question. We need to get, like, the FBI on this, like right away. The FBI are the ones with that warning that plays before movies, right? Yeah, those guys. Let’s get them on it.”

    Senator Ed Markey joined Ocasio-Cortez in calling for a full-blown investigation into the extent of reality’s influence on the vote. “The Republicans are obviously puppets of reality,” he said. “We cannot afford to have reality influencing our policies.”

    According to their liberal critics, Republican senators are so brainwashed by reality that they even got their Democratic colleagues to vote “no” or “present” on the deal.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. chrissythehyphenated

    “We have uncovered damning evidence that Hillary Clinton lost the election by colluding with the DNC to be the absolute worst possible candidate,” Mueller said in his first public address since the historic report was delivered.


    Liked by 1 person