Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—After a restaurant recently asked White House press secretary Sarah Sanders to leave, liberals across the country announced they were suddenly in favor of allowing businesses the right to refuse service, despite their previous insistence that everyone be served, even if a business owner has a conscientious or religious objection in a particular case.

Liberal Americans had a near-instantaneous change of heart on the hotly debated topic of businesses being able to refuse service to people with whom they have serious ideological disagreements after Sanders was turned away from a public establishment. Thousands came forward to voice their newfound belief in the right to associate and renewed interest in defending individuals’ private property rights.

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From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Under intense pressure from their left-leaning constituents to do something about the dangerous, Christian-founded restaurant chain, Democrats in the House of Representatives unveiled legislation Tuesday that would make it a hate crime to eat at Chick-fil-A.

The CFAHATE Act Of 2018 would make it a hate crime punishable by federal law to dine at the restaurant or use its drive-thru, with extra punishments for people who post that they’re eating at the restaurant on their social media accounts. The legislation would also impose heftier penalties for anyone who patronizes the extremist hate group’s chicken sandwich establishments during Pride Month.

“We want people making fast-food dining choices to think carefully about a restaurant’s background,” House Minority Leader and bill co-sponsor Nancy Pelosi said in a video posted to her official YouTube account. “If a restaurant’s leadership is associated with Christian values in any way, frequenting their locations amounts to literal violence against minorities, women, and the LGBTQ+ community.” Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former president Barack Obama called the White House today to personally thank Donald Trump for taking the blame for a recently circulated set of photos of immigrant children detained at the border that actually depicted the consequences of immigration policies in place during Obama’s tenure.

Obama was concerned that people on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media platforms might make the connection that many of the photos, facts, and figures people were upset about were from the years when he was president.

“I was really nervous the lid was gonna blow off that whole thing,” Obama admitted. When Obama realized that he was in the clear, and that Trump would be receiving the full brunt of the online outrage and blame for policies that had gone completely ignored during his own presidency, the former leader of the free world decided some thanks were in order. Continue reading →

From The Babylon Bee.

NEW YORK CITY, NY—Representatives for the Metropolitan Museum of Art confirmed Tuesday that after its annual gala’s theme successfully skewered Catholicism and Christianity this year, it would continue its edgy commentary on religion by asking attendees to wear sacrilegious outfits making a mockery of Islam next year.

 

Gala organizers wanted to ensure they were offending all religions equally, and not unfairly targeting Christian beliefs.

“Our theme for 2019 will be ‘Islamic Imagination,’ and we will encourage celebrities to dress up like the prophet Muhammad or one of his concubines,” a representative for the Met said in an interview Tuesday. “Mocking religion is uncharted territory for cultural influencers such as ourselves. And we’re going to continue our edgy take by absolutely slamming Islam next year.”

“It’s gonna be lit,” she added.

Celebrities from across the world have already RSVPed, with Jared Leto confirming he would come dressed up as Muhammed, and Rihanna suggesting she may come dressed up as the Koran.

At publishing time, organizers had confirmed that following years would include mockery of Hinduism and Buddhism to make sure no one felt left out.

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From The Babylon Bee.

MINAS TIRITH, GONDOR—Kicking off a major trade war between the two kingdoms, the Middle-Earth Trade Federation has announced heavy tariffs on the import of Narnian steel, sending the stock market into a freefall Thursday.

Any steel imported from Narnia to Gondor, Rohan, Erebor, or Mirkwood will be subject to a 30% tax. The move is expected to raise the end consumer price of various imported goods significantly, according to expert economists working at Rivendell.

“Trade wars are great, and they’re really easy to win,” the king of Gondor said in a dispatch via carrier pigeon. “If we keep allowing cheap Narnian steel to flood the market, our own blacksmiths won’t be able to be competitive. This act will strengthen our own economies and create hundreds of thousands of jobs, from the Grey Havens to the far reaches of Ithilien.”

Cair Paravel was quick to respond to the aggressive trade maneuver, planning to levy tariffs on exports of Middle-Earth products like lembas bread, magical fireworks, and oliphaunt tusks. The Kings and Queens of Narnia claim the tactic is designed to force the METF to back off their original restrictive tariffs, which they say will harm both universe’s economies.

The move also ratcheted tensions up between the two fictional universes at a time when Mordor is reportedly on the verge of acquiring nuclear weapons, reporters claim.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

All-Seeing Eye of Sauron Unveiled at Facebook Headquarters

Democrats Announce All 2020 Candidates Will Forgo Armed Security to Protest Gun Violence

Ultrasound Shows Unborn Baby Holding “Keep Your Laws Off My Body” Sign

“I’m Sorry, Dave — I’m Afraid I Can’t Do That,” Intones Menacing Mark Zuckerberg As Man Attempts to Delete His Facebook Account

Planned Parenthood Workers Breathe Sigh of Relief as Anti-Violence Protesters March Right On By Their Office

Christian Woman Spends 10% of Paycheck at Hobby Lobby in Lieu of Tithing

Larry Boy Confirmed for “Avengers: Infinity War”

“The Message” Now Available in Popular Comic Sans Font

Facebook Reminds Users Its Terms of Service Specifically Allow for Orwellian Social Engineering

Opinion: If You Like to Talk to Tomatoes, Seek Professional Counseling Immediately

From The Babylon Bee.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Responding to consumer demand, Ivy League bellwether Harvard University announced Monday its new four-year Bachelor’s degree in Feeling Oppressed.

“For those lucky enough to be able to afford the quarter-million-dollar cost of attending our prestigious school, we are offering a comprehensive program that will prepare you for a lifetime of convincing yourself that you are a perpetual victim and nothing that happens in your life is your own fault,” Harvard president Drew Faust announced in an afternoon press conference.

“It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what your background is, whether or not you’re by far the most privileged people in the history of our planet—you should feel oppressed, and we will prove it to you.”

Pressed by a reporter about the feasibility of finding a successful career and contributing to society after attaining a degree in Feeling Oppressed, Faust suggested that this would be the generation to implement universal income, rendering productive careers obsolete and freeing citizens to “fight oppression even more.”

Asked by another reporter, “Doesn’t Harvard already pretty much include unofficial training in feeling oppressed in each one of your degrees?” Faust called the question “offensive” and abruptly wrapped up the press conference.

From The Babylon Bee.

ATLANTA, GA—In order to aid the news station in preparing stories for consumption, popular news media organization CNN purchased an industrial-sized washing machine to help its journalists and news anchors spin the news before publication.

 

The custom-made device allows CNN reporters to load just the facts of a given issue, turn a dial to “spin cycle,” and within five minutes, receive a nearly unrecognizable version of the story that’s been spun to fit with the news station’s agenda.

One reporter was seen inserting the facts of a recent news story early Thursday morning.

“Okay, so we just slip in the location, the people involved, the facts of the story, and there we go,” he muttered as he fiddled with the buttons and dials on the machine. “Spin for five minutes on high, and we’ll have ourselves a news story.”

Minutes later, he removed the story and found it had turned into a perfect piece to push universal health care, common-sense gun control, and the removal of President Trump from office.

“Perfect!” he said, taking the story straight to his computer in order to upload it to CNN’s website.

At publishing time, CNN had also purchased an industrial-sized trash compactor in order to help compress and distort facts to fit into its preconceived narrative.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

IRS Still Waiting for Liberals to Voluntarily Mail Their Refund Checks Back

Mark Zuckerberg Finishes Morning Reading of Favorite Devotional, ‘1984’

Joel Osteen’s Bible Spotted Shivering Under Seedy Freeway Overpass

Facebook Sends Warm Reminder to Publishers That It Is in Complete Control of Their Livelihood

State of California Votes to Officially Secede from Reality

Calvinist Dog Corrects Owner: ‘No One Is a Good Boy’

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Sources across the United States confirmed Friday that the cross-section of citizenry which has been comparing President Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler for two years has begun to demand that he take guns away from all citizens at once.

Passionate protests and rallies recently all demanded the “dangerous madman” confiscate everybody’s firearms.

“Trump is a dangerous tyrant, so he should be the only one with deadly weapons!” one woman screamed at an anti-gun protest. “People obviously can’t be trusted with them. Instead, we need to entrust them only to the most powerful man on the planet, who has proven time and time again he’s no better than history’s most violent dictators and has the potential to become an iron-fisted totalitarian!”

Holding up a variety of colored signs and chanting various slogans, the protesters simultaneously upheld the ideas that Donald Trump is a raving lunatic and that any citizens who wish to own a firearm in order to protect themselves and their families have “blood on their hands.”

At publishing time, the nation had continued to blame gun owners for any shooting that occurs in the United States, while absolving Planned Parenthood of killing millions upon millions of babies.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Megachurch Introduces Frequent Tither Rewards Card

How Woke Are You? Take the Quiz!

Thoughts, Prayers Prove Ineffective at Preventing Neil DeGrasse Tyson from Saying Moronic Things on Twitter

Federal Government Launches GoFundMe Campaign to Pay off $20 Trillion National Debt

Kamala Harris Makes Brief Appearance at Gun Violence Protest on Way to Pro-Abortion Rally

Confirmed: World Still Fallen

Man Joins CrossFit Without Telling Anyone

Fed Up With Deadly Violence, Nation Demands Common-Sense Abortion Control

Local Believer Shows No Evidence of Salvation Before Morning Coffee

From The Babylon Bee.

The Bible is really long. Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can understand. We reduced every book to a single, memorable line, so you don’t have to read a word of it for yourself. Nice!

Forget about reading through the Bible in a year—now you can read through the Bible in about five minutes!

Genesis – God makes everything and it’s really good for about 3.2 seconds.

Exodus – YAHWEH VS. RA FIGHT NIGHT ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Leviticus – STOP DOING GROSS STUFF.

Numbers – Israel makes a wrong turn near Mt. Sinai, refuses to ask for directions.

Deuteronomy – I SAID STOP DOING GROSS STUFF GOSH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Joshua – The hotly anticipated product launch of Moses 2.0.

Judges – A riveting documentary on the doctrine of total depravity.

Ruth – The Bachelorette: Hebrew Edition.

1 Samuel – David & Goliath.

2 Samuel – David & Goliath: The direct-to-VHS sequel.

1 Kings – Solomon marries a ton of women and that turns out to be a really bad idea. Who knew!

2 Kings – Israel and Judah go 0-for-2 in a deathmatch against Babylon and Assyria. Shoulda declared Philippians 4:13 over that mess, guys…

1 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has.

2 Chronicles – A sweeping documentary of Israel’s history, like those sprawling 24-VHS sets covering World War 2 your dad probably has—PART 2.

Ezra – The Temple gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Nehemiah – Jerusalem gets an Extreme Home Makeover.

Esther – A brave Jewish woman saves her people. Full of more exciting drama and intrigue than any episode of Game of Thrones, plus way more clothing.

Job – Hebrew country music song.

Psalms – An ancient Hillsong album with sheep metaphors instead of ocean metaphors.

Proverbs – GOD PITIES THE FOOL WHO DON’T FOLLOW HIM.

Ecclesiastes – Everything is meaningless, except everything isn’t really meaningless because God gives everything meaning. Whoa.

Song of Solomon – Go ask your parents.

Isaiah – Make Worship Great Again!

Jeremiah – God has a great plan and a future for you and definitely not any suffering nope not at all.

Lamentations – 😥

Ezekiel – A total Lovecraftian mind-trip with bones and eagles and flaming psychedelic wheels and stuff.

Daniel – Daniel fights his own personal lions who also happen to be actual lions that want to eat him.

Hosea – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Joel – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Amos – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Obadiah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Jonah – An anthropomorphic asparagus goes on an adventure with some pirates.

Micah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Nahum – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Habakkuk – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zephaniah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Haggai – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Zechariah – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Malachi – Minor prophet who’s not Jonah—feel free to skip.

Matthew – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Messiah.

Mark – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the suffering Servant.

Luke – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of Man.

John – Peter does dumb stuff, Jesus is the Son of God.

Acts – Miracles, shipwrecks, lots of tongues. Basically John MacArthur’s worst nightmare.

Romans – God justifies, man screws stuff up.

1 Corinthians – Stop screwing stuff up, Corinth.

2 Corinthians – CORINTH. I MEAN IT THIS TIME CORINTH.

Galatians – Romans but shorter.

Ephesians – Romans but shorter 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Philippians – You can win sports games through Jesus.

Colossians – Jesus rules all of creation, yes even the weird stuff like platypi.

1 Thessalonians – Jesus is coming around the mountain when he comes.

2 Thessalonians – A letter full of encouragement and inspiration, like an ancient Max Lucado book.

1 Timothy – Ladies, plz stop talking.

2 Timothy – Paul gives his dying instructions to Timothy, much like Yoda to Luke in Return of the Jedi.

Titus – Basically a first-century vision-casting conference for young pastors.

Philemon – Paul’s passive-aggressive anti-slavery manifesto.

Hebrews – Moses gets straight ethered for 13 chapters.

James – Act more gooder, people.

1 Peter – U gonna suffer fam.

2 Peter – Bro, Paul’s really confusing plz help.

1 John – God is love m’kay?

2 John – Yup, He’s still love.

3 John – HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT PEOPLE GOSH.

Jude – Stop being heretics plz, k thx bye.

Revelation – Kirk Cameron fights the Antichrist in order to save Christmas from the new world order. Thanks, Kirk!

From The Babylon Bee.

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA—In a selfless move designed to help victims of sexual harassment and abuse, Universal Pictures announced Tuesday it would be donating all proceeds from the new Fifty Shades Freed movie—the final chapter in the blockbuster trilogy featuring a creepily aggressive, controlling male lead and raunchy sex and bondage scenes—to foundations that support the #MeToo movement.

 

According to the company, all profits from ticket and movie sales of the film focused on an unhealthy, abusive relationship will go toward ensuring women aren’t objectified, harassed, or otherwise victimized by men who use their wealth and status as leverage.

“Every time you purchase a ticket to watch Anastasia Steele and creepily obsessive BDSM fanatic Christian Grey in gratuitous sex scenes, you can rest secure in the knowledge that you’re helping prevent predatory objectification and harassment of women,” a Universal rep said in a press conference. “You’re doing your part.”

Universal also claimed it would be selling the Fifty Shades trilogy on Blu-ray in a special “#MeToo Edition.” The set will include a bonus documentary on the #MeToo movement and let viewers know how they can help victimized women, right after they finish watching hours of a fictional abusive romance at home.

At publishing time, on the heels of the announcement, selfless feminists had flocked to the erotic film in droves for the sole purpose of helping victimized women, as worldwide box office revenue approached $140 million for the final installment of the billion-dollar-plus franchise.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Woman to Shelve Belief That Gender Is Social Construct for Few Minutes While Boyfriend Changes Flat Tire on Side of Road

Family Exiting Church Unable to Find Minivan in Sea of Identical Minivans

Duggar Family to Kick Out One Kid Each Week in Cutthroat Reality Show

Sports Illustrated Takes Stand Against Sexual Harassment by Putting Naked Women on Cover

Local Man Takes Advantage of 3-Hour DMV Wait to Pen Blog Post Arguing for Government-Run Healthcare

Family Prays at McDonald’s, Food Miraculously Transforms Into Chick-Fil-A

Kirk Cameron Pleads for God to Spare Hollywood: ‘If You Find 10 Righteous, Will You Spare the City?’