Tag Archives: The Babylon Bee

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources, Vice President Mike Pence snuck into the Capitol a few hours before President Trump’s State of the Union address Tuesday and smeared Super Glue all over the Democrats’ seats so they would be stuck sitting down for the entire speech.

 Hilarious!

“He’s been a prankster ever since he was a Congressman,” said one Republican aide. “Plastic wrap over the toilets, unscrewing the caps on the cafeteria salt shakers—his hijinks are legendary.”

Thanks to the VP’s wacky stunt, the unwitting Democrats were unable to stand and applaud for the duration of Trump’s speech, as he talked about Americans paying less taxes, record low unemployment, businesses promising thousands of new jobs, and even when the assembly honored the parents of two girls killed by MS-13 gang members.

Instead of being able to rise to their feet and clap with the Republicans, the Democrats were forced to sit the whole time with dour looks on their faces. What a priceless gag!

Classic Mike Pence!

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

‘Passion of the Christ’ Sequel to Feature Jesus Helping Founders Establish America

Internal Planned Parenthood Memo Listing Possible Successors to Cecile Richards Leaked

Joel Osteen Sees Own Shadow, Predicts Another Year of Taking Bible out of Context

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—Voting down a measure that would have banned most abortions after 20 weeks gestation, Senate Democrats on Monday refused to grant legal status to millions of unborn children dreaming of one day being born.

 

House Republicans passed a bill last week that would guarantee citizens’ rights for U.S. children over 20 weeks gestation, the age at which all unborn babies have been scientifically proven to hear voices and feel pain. Senate Democrats killed the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act on Monday, keeping the United States one of only seven nations on earth that allows unrestricted abortion at any time during pregnancy.

“Frankly, I’m tired of the Republicans’ sob stories about these so-called ‘dreamers’ who are deliberately hiding inside a womb, hoping for government protection without going through the proper channels,” a DNC spokesperson told reporters. “Maybe it’s not their fault their parents brought them into this world, but that does not give them the same Constitutional right to life that hardworking, natural-born Americans have earned.”

Sources confirm Democrats may consider an abortion ban after 24 weeks, since the unborn child would be three-fifths of the way through a typical 40-week pregnancy by that point. “I really admire the idea of a 3/5 compromise,” said one Democrat senator. “America has used the 3/5 compromise before, when we were forced to admit that people who are property are still partially human. It worked really well.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Trump Supporter Executed Live on Stage at Grammy Awards

After Killing 20-Week Abortion Ban, Democrats Resume Lecturing People About Compassion

Visa Offers New Dave Ramsey Credit Card with Credit Limit of Zero

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST ROXBURY, MA—Most expectant couples can’t wait to find out the sex of their unborn baby at around 18–20 weeks gestation. But they’re in for a surprise if they visit the OB/GYN office where Marianne Wynne is an ultrasound technician.

Wynne, a self-described “hyper-progressive ally,” steadfastly refuses to tell anxious couples whether their child is a boy or a girl when they come in for their ultrasound appointment, choosing instead of lecture her patients about the dangers of forcing their child into a binary system and carelessly gendering them before they have a say in the matter.

“Who are we to make this decision for them?” she told one young couple Tuesday after they came in for a prenatal checkup, according to the patients.

“It was so weird—she was really aggressive,” Melinda Harper, the expectant mother, told reporters after her appointment. “I was begging her to tell me whether I was having a boy or a girl and she just kept repeating ‘I refuse to force a gender on this potential human.’”

“She told me to do the responsible, loving thing and wait five or six years and then ask my child how they would like to identify,” she added.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Modern-Day Rebel Plans to Grow Up, Get Married, Be Productive Member of Society

Medical Marvel: Cecile Richards Is Somehow Able to Sleep at Night

Joel Osteen Signs Endorsement Deal with Colgate

Man Scrawls Imprecatory Psalm Across IRS Form 1040 While Filing Taxes

President Trump Declares The Babylon Bee His Most-Trusted News Source

From The Babylon Bee.

HOUSTON, TX—A rich young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Wednesday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Thousands Miraculously Fed at Church Potluck with Just Five Dinner Rolls, Two Tuna Casseroles

Local Man Declares Self Tax-Exempt as Temple of the Holy Spirit

Progressive Pastor Spends Entire Sermon Apologizing for What Bible Says

Awana Olympian Disqualified After Testing Positive for Mountain Dew

From The Babylon Bee.

WORLD—Mass panic broke out Saturday morning as a Rapture alert was sent out to cell phone networks all across the world, indicating that Jesus’s return was imminent and that any unsaved persons should “get right with God” immediately.

 

The alert was reportedly sent out my mistake by angelic emergency alert personnel, who quickly issued a retraction as soon as the error was discovered. Panicked citizens frantically took shelter in storm drains culverts, sewer manholes, and Baptist churches in the harrowing 38 minutes before the correction was sent out, according to sources from around the world.

“An angel newly assigned to our Rapture alert department simply pushed the wrong button during a routine test,” a solemn Michael the Archangel said in a press conference. “He was supposed to select ‘Test rapture alert’ from a drop-down menu on a computer program, but clicked on ‘Rapture alert’ instead.”

“We apologize for any anguish this may have caused,” he added.

Christians from around the world called and texted their loved ones goodbye after the first, fake alert was sent out, while thousands of excited dispensationalists posted messages online saying things like “So long, suckers!” and “Enjoy the next seven years of tribulation, heathens!”

From The Babylon Bee.

CHICAGO, IL—Immediately upon Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s recent declaration of the entire city of Chicago as an official “crime-free zone,” every criminal in the city suddenly and miraculously left the urban area, according to a statement released by the city council.

“We declare every part of the city of Chicago a crime-free zone,” Emanuel announced in a Thursday appearance on CBS This Morning. “It is now physically impossible for any crime to be committed in our great city, because we declared it a zone of peace and harmony and criminals have no choice but to abide by our new rule.”

Emanuel claimed he didn’t want to resort to such extreme legislative measures, but as the crime situation in Chicago didn’t seem to be getting any better, his hand was forced.

“I finally decided to use the strongest weapon at our disposal: declaring things illegal,” he said.

Stunned onlookers claim the second the legislation banning any criminals from the city was signed into law, dangerous gangsters, conniving drug dealers, and thieving hooligans fled the city on foot, as though compelled by some kind of strange, alien force.

“Witness the awesome power of declaring things to be banned and watching them instantly disappear into nothingness!” Emanuel said.

At publishing time, Governor Jerry Brown had taken a page from Emanuel’s book, declaring Hollywood a “perversion-free” zone and immediately ending all ongoing sex scandals in the city.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

In Historic Compromise, Border Wall To Be Built Around Hollywood

Man Bravely Abandons Unpopular Christian Belief to Affirm Extremely Popular Cultural Belief

Biblical Age of Accountability Raised to 30 for Millennials

Nation’s Progressives Suddenly in Favor of Electing TV Personalities as President

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Moments after Oprah Winfrey gave a rousing speech at the Golden Globe Awards Sunday night in what some claimed to be the soft launch of her 2020 presidential bid, the nation’s progressives declared they were now in favor of TV personalities running for president. 
Millions of Democrats who denounced Donald Trump for his lack of experience throughout the 2016 race announced they had changed their minds overnight and are now fully supportive of a television star running the country.

“Even though I claimed Trump was ‘an unqualified television celebrity’ all through 2016 and that we needed a real leader with real experience in the White House, I have now changed positions. We need Oprah in 2020!” one woman in California told reporters. “I’m with her!”

At publishing time, millions of Democrats had also reversed positions on ridiculously wealthy celebrities running for the presidency upon discovering Oprah Winfrey is worth over $3 billion.

From the Babylon Bee (Christian satire):

U.S.—Doctors speaking on behalf of the nation’s medical community Wednesday recommended that Americans not stare directly into the black, empty void encompassing the nation’s comment sections.

While doctors have long known of the harmful effects of dwelling upon the vast wastelands comprising comment sections on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and websites at large, the symptoms have become far more pronounced in recent years, according to medical professionals.

“We’ve found that severe psychological side effects may accompany thinking too long and hard about any comments you encounter while you’re on the internet,” Dr. Sherman Danforth, a leading psychology expert told reporters. “If you must browse a comment section for any reason, we recommend a brief, cautious glance to get a sense of it, but turn away quickly, lest you do irreparable damage to your psyche.”

Doctors also confirmed staring too long into the void of comment sections can have the undesirable side effect of having the void stare back into you.

“Each day, thousands of people stare too long into the black hole of vitriol present in online comment sections, correlating things which were not meant to be correlated in the human mind, and end up babbling incoherently about ‘the eyes in the darkness,’ ‘the black pit,’ and ‘the nameless one,’” Danforth added.

“Don’t let it happen to you.”

Source:

http://babylonbee.com/news/medical-experts-now-recommend-not-staring-directly-comment-sections/

From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—The nation was in an absolute uproar as the GOP tax bill passed Congress Wednesday and made its way to President Trump’s desk, with millions of irate citizens expressing their total fury over the fact that the federal government will now be taking less of their money week in and week out.

 

Hordes of protesters gathered in the nation’s capital to decry the decrease of government taxation of their incomes, sources confirmed.

“America is dead,” one weeping woman said as she found out she would be giving the government $2,000 less under the new tax plan. “If ever there were a time for Americans to rise up and revolt against government oppression, this is it.”

“George Washington died for our right to give large portions of our paychecks to the federal government, and today Republicans are dancing on his grave,” she added before screaming wildly at the sky in hysterics.

At publishing time, relieved citizens discovered that the new tax rates are merely minimums, and they are free to pay as high a rate as they wish.

Also from The Babylon Bee:

Worship Leader Who Reads Music Arrested on Suspicion of Witchcraft

Local Father Looking Forward to Spending Entire Christmas Holiday Assembling Family’s Gifts

Local Snowflake Resents Being Compared to Fragile College Students

From The Babylon Bee.

MENLO PARK, CA—Tech titan Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook, came out strongly against the repeal of net neutrality Friday, calling the rollback of the Obama-era regulation an “injustice.”

“Internet Service Providers should not be able to decide what people can see online,” the man who decides what two billion people can see online every day said in a Facebook video that was placed in front of the precise amount of people he wished. “It’s a violation of a free and open internet.”

“Furthermore, ISPs should not be able to charge more for certain content,” Zuckerberg intoned, though part of his $523 billion company’s revenue comes from throttling the reach of publishers’ content unless the publisher pays Facebook to show their content to people who signed up to see it anyway.

The boss of the largest social network in the world, which is widely known to smother or close down conservative pages for violating what it calls its community guidelines, stressed that the fight for net neutrality is not over. “We’re ready to work with members of Congress and others to help make the internet free and open for everyone.”

“All content should be treated equally,” he added, the slightest hint of a grin curling up the side of his mouth as the video ended.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Jesus Criticized for Culturally Appropriating Human Nature

GOP Announces Sweeping New Plan to Lose All Senate Seats by 2022

Amy Grant Releases 200th Christmas Album

Half of Congregation Dies of Starvation As Sermon Goes 15 Minutes Over Time