Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

Some people think Hillary Clinton is robotic and hard to sympathize with, but even our hearts went out to her on this one.

On a special politicians’ episode of Wheel of Fortune, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton nearly took home the grand prize. She was on the last puzzle of the regular rounds of the game, which read, CHRISTI_N. The audience began to cheer as it appeared Clinton had finally won something.

But, as is usual for Clinton, she snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, and shouted “Easter worshiper!” instead of the obvious answer, which was “Christian.”

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From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was pumped to attend a taping of The Price Is Right in Hollywood this week. The special guest introduced herself as a U.S. representative and rising star of the Democratic Party. Things got interesting when the game began and every time it was her turn to estimate the price of an item her answer was “free.” 

Items included a set of Italian leather handbags, an all expenses paid trip to the Bahamas, and a brand new 2019 BMW 330i, at all of which Ocasio-Cortez shouted, “FREE!”

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From The Babylon Bee.

Scientists have issued a dire warning: the current number of Democratic presidential candidates is simply unsustainable.

“No one ever thought this many people would run for president,” said climate scientist Dr. Raymond Hall, “and the planet just can’t take it. We’re talking each of them eating up resources vying for airtime, printing stickers with trite slogans, and flying from Iowa to New Hampshire. If they were actually all to be in one place for a debate, it would be an ecological disaster.”

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From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid a flurry of accusations of inappropriate touching and crowding people’s personal space leveled at former vice president Joe Biden, President Trump announced Friday that Biden is his appointment to the Transporation Security Administration.

Biden will be tasked with showing TSA agents how to violate people’s personal space and privacy in their daily groping of American citizens. He already has “dozens” of charts and infographics he began to hand out to TSA workers all across the country, creeping up on them and gingerly setting the files in their hands as he whispered his instructions in their ears.

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From The Babylon Bee.

U.S.—Over the weekend, as pro-life film Unplanned enjoyed a strong debut at the box office, Twitter employees took action against the movie’s social media account for displaying “dangerous, potentially truth-telling content.”

The social media platform displayed a warning to anyone trying to view the movie’s Twitter account or read any of its tweets, cautioning users that the material was way outside the progressive worldview and simply told the truth about abortion and Planned Parenthood. Users then had to click a button and read a disclaimer that Twitter was not responsible for any truthful content encountered.

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From The Babylon Bee.

CAIR PARAVEL—An official investigation into possible collusion between Edmund Pevensie, now King Edmund of Narnia, and the White Witch was launched this week.

Investigators are focusing on a shady meeting held in the White Witch’s sleigh, in which Edmund is accused of having sold out his siblings in exchange for a bit of Turkish delight. NBI, the Narnian Bureau of Investigation, is said to have recorded that conversation by putting a wire on the witch’s dwarf, which he agreed to wear in exchange for immunity and safe transport to Calormen.

The investigation is being headed up by Holedigger, a high-ranking badger in Cair Paravel’s justice department. King Edmund the Just has sent messages via carrier birds calling the investigation a “White Witch hunt” nearly every day since the investigation was announced. Many Narnians have tried to unsubscribe from the tweeting birds but have been unsuccessful. Continue reading →