Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—According to sources, Vice President Mike Pence snuck into the Capitol a few hours before President Trump’s State of the Union address Tuesday and smeared Super Glue all over the Democrats’ seats so they would be stuck sitting down for the entire speech.

 Hilarious!

“He’s been a prankster ever since he was a Congressman,” said one Republican aide. “Plastic wrap over the toilets, unscrewing the caps on the cafeteria salt shakers—his hijinks are legendary.”

Thanks to the VP’s wacky stunt, the unwitting Democrats were unable to stand and applaud for the duration of Trump’s speech, as he talked about Americans paying less taxes, record low unemployment, businesses promising thousands of new jobs, and even when the assembly honored the parents of two girls killed by MS-13 gang members.

Instead of being able to rise to their feet and clap with the Republicans, the Democrats were forced to sit the whole time with dour looks on their faces. What a priceless gag!

Classic Mike Pence!

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

‘Passion of the Christ’ Sequel to Feature Jesus Helping Founders Establish America

Internal Planned Parenthood Memo Listing Possible Successors to Cecile Richards Leaked

Joel Osteen Sees Own Shadow, Predicts Another Year of Taking Bible out of Context

From The Babylon Bee.

WASHINGTON, DC—Voting down a measure that would have banned most abortions after 20 weeks gestation, Senate Democrats on Monday refused to grant legal status to millions of unborn children dreaming of one day being born.

 

House Republicans passed a bill last week that would guarantee citizens’ rights for U.S. children over 20 weeks gestation, the age at which all unborn babies have been scientifically proven to hear voices and feel pain. Senate Democrats killed the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act on Monday, keeping the United States one of only seven nations on earth that allows unrestricted abortion at any time during pregnancy.

“Frankly, I’m tired of the Republicans’ sob stories about these so-called ‘dreamers’ who are deliberately hiding inside a womb, hoping for government protection without going through the proper channels,” a DNC spokesperson told reporters. “Maybe it’s not their fault their parents brought them into this world, but that does not give them the same Constitutional right to life that hardworking, natural-born Americans have earned.”

Sources confirm Democrats may consider an abortion ban after 24 weeks, since the unborn child would be three-fifths of the way through a typical 40-week pregnancy by that point. “I really admire the idea of a 3/5 compromise,” said one Democrat senator. “America has used the 3/5 compromise before, when we were forced to admit that people who are property are still partially human. It worked really well.”

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Trump Supporter Executed Live on Stage at Grammy Awards

After Killing 20-Week Abortion Ban, Democrats Resume Lecturing People About Compassion

Visa Offers New Dave Ramsey Credit Card with Credit Limit of Zero

From The Babylon Bee.

WEST ROXBURY, MA—Most expectant couples can’t wait to find out the sex of their unborn baby at around 18–20 weeks gestation. But they’re in for a surprise if they visit the OB/GYN office where Marianne Wynne is an ultrasound technician.

Wynne, a self-described “hyper-progressive ally,” steadfastly refuses to tell anxious couples whether their child is a boy or a girl when they come in for their ultrasound appointment, choosing instead of lecture her patients about the dangers of forcing their child into a binary system and carelessly gendering them before they have a say in the matter.

“Who are we to make this decision for them?” she told one young couple Tuesday after they came in for a prenatal checkup, according to the patients.

“It was so weird—she was really aggressive,” Melinda Harper, the expectant mother, told reporters after her appointment. “I was begging her to tell me whether I was having a boy or a girl and she just kept repeating ‘I refuse to force a gender on this potential human.’”

“She told me to do the responsible, loving thing and wait five or six years and then ask my child how they would like to identify,” she added.

More stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Modern-Day Rebel Plans to Grow Up, Get Married, Be Productive Member of Society

Medical Marvel: Cecile Richards Is Somehow Able to Sleep at Night

Joel Osteen Signs Endorsement Deal with Colgate

Man Scrawls Imprecatory Psalm Across IRS Form 1040 While Filing Taxes

President Trump Declares The Babylon Bee His Most-Trusted News Source

From The Babylon Bee.

HOUSTON, TX—A rich young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Wednesday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Thousands Miraculously Fed at Church Potluck with Just Five Dinner Rolls, Two Tuna Casseroles

Local Man Declares Self Tax-Exempt as Temple of the Holy Spirit

Progressive Pastor Spends Entire Sermon Apologizing for What Bible Says

Awana Olympian Disqualified After Testing Positive for Mountain Dew