Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

Seven Clever Ways to Scare Off Biden’s Door-to-Door Vaccine Evangelists

From The Babylon Bee.

The vaccine door-to-door evangelists are coming for you! Luckily, we at The Babylon Bee are extremely anti-social, so we’ve got some great ways to scare off the vaccine missionaries trying to get you to accept Dr. Fauci as your lord and savior.

Try one of these and let us know how it goes!*

1. Answer the door while casually cleaning your AR-15. – “Greetings, agent of the government! What can I do for you today?”

2. Wear a MAGA hat. – Works every time.

3. Sneeze violently and say you’re starting to lose your sense of taste. – “Does this apple taste like anything to you? Everything is starting to taste bland to me…”

4. Smear sacrificial ice cream on your doorposts to appease Biden. – It worked for the Israelites.

5. Show them your fully assembled LEGO Capitol Building set. – A true sign that you’re a deranged terrorist — they’ll run away screaming.

6. Smile and offer to shake their hand. – Nothing scares the pro-SCIENCE crowd like interacting like a normal human being.

7. If all else fails, release the hounds. – Hopefully you’ve had your “Release the Hounds” button installed already.

*The Babylon Bee is not responsible for any death, dismemberment, or imprisonment in a reeducation camp resulting from these techniques.

Other stories of questionable veracity from The Babylon Bee:

Door-To-Door Vaccine Monitor #1 Career Choice for Kids Who Got Beat Up in High School

Based on LEGO Evidence, FBI Believes Capitol Rioter Was Also Planning Attack on Hogwarts Castle

Teachers Demand Cameras in Homes to Monitor What Parents Are Teaching Children

J.R.R. Tolkien Returns with Army of the Dead to Destroy Everyone Trying to Make ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Woke

ESPN Anchor Fired After Being Caught on Mic Actually Talking About Sports

Updated Death Certificates Require Choosing Between COVID, Climate Change, or Systemic Racism as Cause of Death

Bernie Sanders Submits Bill to Tax the $0.16 Saved on Barbecues

FBI Claims Sauron Had LEGO Model of Minas Tirith in His Bedroom

Sad: This Teacher Wants to Indoctrinate Her Students with CRT but Then She’d Actually Have to Go Back to Work

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Losing the plot on COVID

By Dan Rabil, via The American Thinker.

What happens when a population of introverts, hypochondriacs, and obsessive-compulsives is continuously bombarded with messages to seclude and disinfect themselves, for fear that COVID-19 prickle-balls lurk everywhere, waiting to attack?

What happens is that emotionally damaged people start driving bad politics and bad policy.

“Fifteen days to flatten the curve.” That phrase is surely now banned by corporate media, for it reminds us how the supposedly acute health threat of March 2020 was repeatedly re-packaged to keep populations off-balance and out of business not for 15 days, but for 15 months.

Never in modern times has a health issue been so flagrantly politicized, nor wielded as a club, as the Wuhan virus has been. Outside a few rational locales, almost every nation drank the COVID Kool-Aid, competing to see who could enforce the stupidest rules.

Naturally, academia would lead the way:

Among Americans aged 15–24, a total of 587 died of COVID in 2020, according to the CDC, representing about 0.16%, or about 1 in 642, of COVID deaths. If you are young, you have essentially no chance of dying of COVID. The low youth mortality impact from COVID was known by April 2020.

Yet many universities now require these low-risk young people to inject the experimental vaccine or be banished from campus. Did you already catch the WuFlu and have antibodies? Too bad. The great pulsating brains of academia cannot differentiate.

Young people who want to serve their country are also targets: the passive-aggressive command at West Point compels the unvaccinated to sacrifice a week’s vacation to quarantine and then to wear masks in the most ridiculous circumstances imaginable — to harass them and make them look like fools. Military leaders do not care whether the experimental vaccines might do more harm than good, especially on a previously COVID-exposed youth. Take the jab and shut up, cadet; Colonel Suckup needs to PowerPoint his 100% compliance success.

Famed baseball pitcher Anthony Fauci claims that he is Science personified, yet anyone can make simple deductions that have eluded the doctor: there is effectively no difference in COVID rates between regions that went full Stalin on COVID rules and those areas that took a more holistic or decentralized approach to the virus.

Great Britain, with its multiple draconian lockdowns, has a COVID case rate of 6.76% of the population, while Sweden, which mostly left schools and businesses open and went soft-touch on mask mandates, has a case rate of 10.7%. But Sweden’s death rate is 20% lower than the U.K.’s, so what was the point of Britain’s lockdown hysteria?

Similarly, some U.S. schools were closed for up to a year, and kids as young as two were required to wear masks in a sickening display of fear-psychosis. Yet in Switzerland, schools reopened permanently about 4–5 weeks after the initial virus panic in the spring of 2020, and children under 12 were never required to wear masks at any time. Switzerland’s COVID case and death rates are both lower than the U.S.’s. On the other hand, in Washington, D.C., where self-righteous residents wear masks even while jogging in the woods, restaurants were already open in March 2021, while in Switzerland, restaurants were closed from December until late May, in the apparent hope of destroying every last small eatery. There’s no science in any of this posturing.

And none of this jumping through hoops made any difference in the progression of the virus: lockdown-crazy Michigan has a higher COVID death rate than libertarian Florida (despite its large elderly population).

Lost in all of this seems to be the simple fact that the COVID virus is not that deadly. True, about 12% of the 4.7-million total U.S. deaths recorded between January 2020 and June 2021 were credited to COVID. About 1.7% of positive cases end in death. But 80% of COVID deaths occurred in the over-65 population, which always has a much higher death rate from infectious diseases, such as pneumonia. If you are under 65 and test positive for COVID, you have a 0.25% chance of death (1/400), which is probably about the same as if you caught a bad flu and suffered complications from it. It’s also logical that we will see periods of below-average death rates in the next year or two, in the same way that there are bad flu years and not-bad flu years.

Self-serving politicians locked down free citizens (and, ironically, released prisoners), destroyed businesses, marred kids’ psyches, and harassed people with mask and testing mandates, all for a coronavirus that in the end was not that novel. And they did it with the connivance of corporate media, which censored and slandered anyone who asked the most basic questions about the virus’ origins and treatments.

In a future sane world, people will view the orchestrated panic of the COVID era with the same bemused condescension we might view the supposed War of the Worlds radio invasion scare of 1938, or the bygone use of leeches for seemingly every ailment.

Yes, grandson, back in 2020, the whole world went batty.

Former Marine Daniel Rabil grew up in Washington, D.C. and lives in Switzerland.

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CDC says you can now peek your head out from your self-imposed prison once a day

From The Genesius Times.

NEW YORK (AP) — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said Tuesday that you can finally peak your head out from your self-imposed prison now, but just once a day.

The new guidance represents another carefully calibrated step on the road back to normal from the coronavirus outbreak that has killed over 570,000 Americans who died from other stuff.

For most of the past year, the CDC had been advising Americans to stay inside and be very afraid of a disease that had a 99% recovery rate.

“Today, I hope, is a day when we can take another step back to the normalcy of before,” CDC Director Dr. Rochelle Walensky said. “Over the past year, we have spent a lot of time telling Americans what you can’t do. Today, I am going to tell you some of the things you can do including peaking out your door once a day.”

The change comes as more than half of U.S. adults have gotten at least one dose of vaccine, and more than a third have been fully vaccinated and everyone’s feeling great.

Walensky said the decision was driven by the fact that everything the CDC has recommended has been contradicted by science shortly after.

Dr. Obi Wan, an infectious disease expert at the University of Mos Eisley, welcomed the change in guidance.

“I’m really glad we can finally peak our heads out of our self-imposed prisons,” Wan said. “Since our overlords have said it’s okay to peak our heads outside once a day, it must mean it’s okay.”

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Parents Disguising Kids As Illegal Immigrants So They Can Receive In-Person Teaching

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AOC Traumatized After Car Being Driven by Ted Cruz Backfires

traumatized

WASHINGTON – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was unable to work Friday after being traumatized from an incident involving a fellow politician. A day before, AOC had accused Senator Ted Cruz of trying to have her murdered during the unrest at the Capitol on Jan. 6.

Whether it’s climate change, economics, or anything Republican-related, AOC is considered the drama queen of all drama queens. She accused Ted Cruz’s words of making her a marked woman, when Cruz did nothing of the sort. Still, she pretends to be on edge.

On Friday morning, as Senator Cruz cruised into the Capitol parking lot in his 2008 Chrysler LeBaron, his car backfired. Cortez and several of her aides screamed and hit the ground. According to witnesses, Cruz was laughing his ass off in his car at the sight.

The shaken congresswoman, unable to work the rest of the day, was only able to tweet after the incident. “Sen. Cruz tried to shoot me with his car today. As much as I would like to work with him on issues we can agree on, I refuse to do so with someone who continues targeting me.”

Cruz responded, saying, “Give me a break. My car backfired. The engine timing is off, maybe a cracked distributor cap, I don’t know. I need to get it checked out, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Good lord, where does she come up with this stuff?”

At first, Cortez thought she had narrowly escaped sniper fire, like Hillary Clinton imagined she had. But after talking with aides, she determined Cruz had tried to shoot her with his car.

“I don’t know what, like, backfiring is, but I’m going to call a gun store and ask them. If I can save even one drama queen from being the victim of a backfire, it’s worth it.”

When told that backfiring was the by-product of a combustible engine, she first said she didn’t know that cars were a type of gun. Then, she insisted this is another reason to rid our world of fossil-fueled engines. AOC claimed that future engines, powered by flower petals, would never backfire.

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A ballad of political unity

From The Babylon Bee.

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Tear-gassed protesters discover face masks don’t work

From The Genesius Times (which is giving The Babylon Bee a run for its money).

PORTLAND—Thousands of tear-gassed protesters from across the country are discovering that their face masks don’t work when they get a face full of anti-antifa spray.

Billy Buttkis of the Portland Antifa chapter thought that face masks work to keep unwanted aerosols from getting into his respiratory system. So, he wore one to the Portland Acceptable Fascism rally and got a can full of tear gas unloaded on him. He has since become a face mask skeptic.

“Science has definitely stated that face masks work (right after science definitively stated that face masks don’t work), so I though, this would be great protection for me at the rally. But then I get sprayed down like a feral dog in heat with pepper spray and tear gas. Let me tell you, face masks ain’t do sh*t,” Buttkis said.

Protests have erupted around the country after unarmed George Floyd was videotaped being killed by a police officer in Minneapolis. Masked Antifa instigators have turned several protests into riots and looting.

Despite this epiphany by tear-gassed protesters, governors and health officials have increased the calls for face masks.

“It is a terrible shame that face masks don’t protect mostly peaceful protesters from tear gas or pepper spray,” California Governor Gavin Newsom said. “But I’ll be damned if I let any new evidence change my mind about forcing people to wear a pointless mask.”

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Musical interlude

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colours,
He made their tiny wings.

The purple headed mountain,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning,
That brightens up the sky;

The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.

He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell,
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well.

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

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Checking in with Los Feliz

Los Feliz Daycare (motto: “We do not accept immunized children”) is an ultra-progressive child care center in an unspecified affluent neighborhood on the left coast. Some recent tweets:

Continue reading

3 Comments

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