Category Archives: Funny Stuff

The discussion about crabbing yesterday was very informative. I’ll have to keep it in mind if I’m ever near Maryland. Nobody I know of around these parts makes crab cakes. DW’s interest in seafood is limited to beer-battered cod from a Friday fish fry. She won’t even taste anything else. There is no adventure in her soul. I,on the other hand,love it all (except squid and octopus). Lobster, crab, shrimp, mussels, oysters, scallops,even pickled herring (in wine sauce,not cream sauce…thats stuff’s nasty.) She won’t even go to Red Lobster.

We got a little of this and a little of that today. I spent most of the morning in my recliner with a heating pad on my leg. I was napping peacefully this morning when I got the mother of all cramps in my calf. It felt like somebody stuck a red-hot knife in my leg. Like most men,I can’t stand pain and screamed like I was giving birth. Fortunately,DW is used to taking care of me. I purposely wrote in it her contract… personal services clause.

As I left this morning to head to work the temperature was six below zero. I didn’t bother with the wind chill because it was obscene. I just kept thinking,the Cubs’ pitchers and catchers report for spring training today and the NFL Combine officially starts tomorrow. DW picked up some pre-made char-broiled beef patties we fried last night,and had burgers with raw onion,tomato and mustard,just the way I like them,along with potato salad and my baked beans to pretend it was summer. We’re having BLTs for lunch. I will not give in to the mid-winter depression everybody has at the moment.

GUESS WHAT THE CUSTOMER ASKED TO BE PUT ON BOTH CAKES

OUR NEXT PRESIDENT GETTING READY TO GO SEE “FIFTY SHADES”

DW and I have had our star boarders since yesterday morning, and while it’s a joy,it’s really tiring trying to keep up with a 7 and 11 year old. We watched something on the Disney Channel last night called Bad Hair Day. They’re getting more into pre-teen and away from cartoons. The jury is still out as to whether that’s a good or a bad thing. Before I turned in for the night they brought me Valentines they’d made with grandma from construction paper,glitter and crayons. As I type this they’re taped to my computer desk. Their mom called to check on them at bedtime last night and she and daddy were enjoying a rare quiet night alone. I’ve got some funny stuff today since I didn’t do it yesterday,plus a few political things.

THIS IS FROM DIOGENES’ MIDDLE FINGER,IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Deansgate where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework…

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

I DON’T RECALL ANY VALENTINES LIKE THIS WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL

First,a word to my good friend Aussie and my bestest bud,Chrissy: when I began my post yesterday I had every intention of being as irate and vulgar as the mental midgets at Huffpo and DU. You can’t get two sentences in before the ‘F’ bombs are flying. For some reason,I just couldn’t. It’s my granny’s fault. She always taught me to have respect for other people and treat others as I would have them treat me. It seemed as I sat here typing,she was looking over my shoulder to make sure I wasn’t disrespecting her memory.

One of the most enduring grannyisms I have is: “Profanity is the feeble attempt of a weak mind to express itself forcefully.”

It is very common in the lesser-educated,welfare ghettoes that children as young as two are already using curse words they don’t even understand. It’s their culture. They have no dreams because they’ve had it drummed into their heads that they can’t do anything without the government because society is racist. I don’t have to understand it,I’m just grateful I was brought up better.

These are Obama’s people
He’s NOT loving it: Furious McDonald’s employee has an epic meltdown and totally trashes restaurant after being fired

Video has emerged of McDonald’s employee trashing restaurant in rage
Incident appears to have taken place after man was told he was fired
He can be seen shouting, swearing and smashing up items in outburst
Row took place in front of bemused customers who were visibly shocked

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2945696/Furious-McDonald-s-employee-epic-meltdown-fired.html#ixzz3RSquqdBp

Nursing assistant ‘charged with the first-degree murder of University of Virginia student Hannah Graham’ five months after she was killed
Jesse Matthew, 33, was charged with abduction with intent to defile in September in case of 18-year-old Hannah Graham
The UVA student went missing after being seen leaving a bar at 2am on September 13
In October, Miss Graham’s body was found in a shallow grave eight miles from where she went missing
Matthews charges have now reportedly been upgraded to murder
The nursing assistant has also been linked to disappearance of UVA student Morgan Harrington in 2009

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2946933/Jesse-Matthew-CHARGED-murder-University-Virginia-student-Hannah-Graham-according-reports.html#ixzz3RSrhHVoA

Former Vanderbilt football player, 21, sobs as he tells Dr Phil he wouldn’t have raped unconscious woman if his dad hadn’t died and left him without strong male figure
Cory Batey, 21, raped an unconscious student with three other men in a Vanderbilt dorm in June 2013 – in a horrific attack partly caught on camera

Poor bastard no doubt a football star since grade school,everybody telling him how special he was,getting a full-ride scholarship to Vandy,thinking he can get away with anything. Boo hoo hoo….I didn’t have no daddy! Like tens of millions of other welfare babies bred to whores and left to develop into street gang members and criminals.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2946381/Former-Vanderbilt-football-player-21-sobs-says-wouldn-t-gang-raped-unconscious-woman-dad-hadn-t-died-left-without-strong-male-figure.html#ixzz3RSt0Nnvn

I recall Dear Abby posited the over/under question in her column.It generated the most mail she ever got.

Source:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2946213/Teen-complains-Twitter-starting-f-job-gets-fired.html#ixzz3RN3MBdlx

Those of you who are regular visitors know it is not in my DNA to ‘suffer in silence’,let bygones be bygones’,or ‘live and let live.’  I make it a point never to deprive myself of an emotional outlet and I do not suffer fools,liars,thieves,societal parasites or hypocrites lightly. My belief is the Lord put me on this earth to completely piss off a certain number of people and my quota has not been met yet.

The lop-eared,purple-lipped,Kenyan half-breed stinking muslim sonofabitch who is tearing the country apart has just released his 332 page plan to take over the internet. This is an illegal power grab,but hey,it’s nothing new for this prick. There are many on the right who despise him at least as passionately as I do,but hopefully one day I’ll be considered dangerous enough to rate a visit from a couple thugs.

You will not find any links about Sunday’s Grammy Awards since I really don’t care about a bunch of no-talent egomaniacs congratulating each other before they all go have sex with some teenage groupies. The show seemed to be dominated by creatures indulging in the God-forsaken media referred to as ‘rap music.’ Basically it’s where Negroes jump up and down,doing obscene hand gestures while trying to swallow a microphone doing gutteral jungle chants to make “songs.” I sang professionaly for a time,but back then songs had musical notes,harmonies,melodies and instrumentation besides a drumbeat that’s the same on every recording it’s ever been my misfortune to hear. I always considered myself to have a pretty firm grip on the English language,but I can only pick out a word here and there.

There was a darky named Phallus,or something like that who did a number with a bunch of gay dudes and did that stupid ‘hands up’ crap,the little fruit named Prince,or whatever he calls himself today whined about ‘black lives matter’ and the worst was that negro West,whose claim to fame is banging a Kardashian, running onstage to snatch the award for album of the year from some little white kid named Beck and claimed Beyonce shoulda got it. It was the same act he pulled a couple years ago on Taylor Swift. Notice he picks on women and skinny white boys. Let this obnoxious ass try that with Trace Adkins or the guys from Metallica. It just galls me how much more brazen these tree-dwellers have gotten since theys a homey in Da House.
Fear not,the fun’s just starting.

The world is going mad

This also applies to people who fill out job applications with names like Daquon,Shanaynay Lavonzelle. HR people take one look and toss it on the bottom of the pile. They’ll deny it,because it’s illegal,but don’t tell me they don’t do it.

[Not to be confused with PARISIDIOT: Someone who thinks Paris Hilton is FASCINATING. -CtH]

I am breathless and weepy with laughter!  Not sure if the singles or the guys will think it’s all that funny, but for you wives …. it’s a must read!

I Can Sum Up Marriage In These 11 Texts I’ve Sent My Husband By Susannah B. Lewis
http://www.yourtango.com/2014239933/lol-11-sad-but-true-married-people-texts-ive-sent-my-husband

This is my favorite day to post. Sure there’s plenty going on,most of it outrageous,traitorous and downright disgusting. Maybe Mindful or Grunt could add some of the stuff.
A thought occurred to me yesterday….
We seem to be like the characters in the Archie comic books.
Grunt=Archie
Mindful=Reggie
Chrissy=Veronica
BoB=Betty
Me=Jughead.
I thought today might be a good day for some redneck funnies.Enjoy.

REDNECK HOOD ORNAMENT

Modification of above by CtH ;o)