Posted by Pistol Pete
I have so much today I may not get it all in.
GP:I can’t believe you mentioned checkout counters yesterday.We went to WalMart about 10:30 yesterday morning to pick up a few things.I enjoy the trip because they have motorized scooters with the basket in front where I can put my air tank.There had to be at least 8 or 10 other scooters in the store while we were there.Every time I passed one I said: ‘drag races start in aisle 10 at noon’. There was one heifer that had to go 500 pounds field dressed.I thought, ‘how the hell did she get here?In the back of a dump truck?’
“Gee,honey,you sure are tight tonight”
“You’re in my navel”
We got to the checkout line and paid for a few things I had and looked balefully at the cashier and said, ‘things haven’t been the same since I lost my wife.’
“I’m sorry to hear that..when did she die?’
‘She’s not dead,we came in together,but I lost her in here somewhere.’
DW was right behind me and the cashier looked at her like: you put up with this? She nodded her head slightly.
Welcome to my world.
WHEN REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT HE HAD SO MUCH RESPECT FOR THE OVAL OFFICE HE WOULDN’T TAKE OFF HIS JACKET.YOU KNOW WHAT THE HORNY HICK DID.THIS IS HOW MUCH THE CHICAGO JESUS RESPECTS THE PLACE INHABITED BY SO MANY GREAT MEN
THE GOSNELL JURY DELIBERATED FOR THE SECOND DAY.THE BEAST IS BEING HELD IN SOLITARY.ONE WRITER TWEETED: ‘SNIPPING THE NECKS OF BABIES IS FROWNED UPON BY THE FELONS.’
HOPE THIS IS HIS ROOMIE WHEN HE GOES TO PRISON
“WANNA SEE ME SWALLOW THIS WHOLE”
“JOE,DID YOU STEAL A CUCUMBER FROM THE GARDEN,OR ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME?”
‘I STOLE A CUCUMBER”
MEET MEG LANKER-SYMONS.SHE’S A 30ISH PROFESSIONAL STUDENT AND AGITATOR.SHE RECEIVED AN AWARD FROM THINK PROGRESS AND IS BUDDIES WITH BILL AYERS.THE POTTED PLANT STANDING NEXT TO HER IS HER HUBBY.HE’S CHECKING TO SEE WHERE HIS BALLS WENT AFTER SHE TOOK THEM.SHE DOESN’T SHAVE HER ARMPITS,SHE SWEATS A LOT FOR A FAT GIRL AND SHE USES LAB MICE AND GARDEN VEGETABLES AS MARITAL AIDS.SHE SENT HERSELF BOGUS FACEBOOK MESSAGES CLAIMING A REPUBLICAN WANTED TO “HATE F***” HER.THIS IS UNLIKELY,SINCE REPUBLICANS DON’T DATE OUTSIDE THEIR SPECIES.
THE NERD GLASSES ARE A NICE TOUCH,THOUGH
I DON’T SEE WHAT ALL THE FUROR IS OVER THIS POST
THIS WOUNDED WARRIOR KNOWS WHO THE REAL DEAL IS.YOU GO,GIRL!
polination.blog 
NO JOKE:FOR $2400,YOU CAN BUY A WALLET MADE OUT OF WHALE FORESKIN
I wanna meet the badass who did the circumcision!
http://dailycaller.com/2013/05/01/now-you-can-buy-a-wallet-made-out-of-whale-foreskin-photo/
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Imagining the pick-up lines used by the dweeb who actually buys such a dumb accessory … “Wanna see my whale penis?” … I’m sure Pete could do better.
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TODAY IS THE FUNERAL OF COUNTRY LEGEND GEORGE JONES.LAURA BUSH AND MIKE HUCKABEE ARE AMONG THE SPEAKERS DURING THE CEREMONY AT THE GRAND OL OPRY,AND BRAD PAISLEY AND CHARLIE DANIELS ARE AMONG THE PERFORMERS.
There will never be another like the ‘Ol Possum.
http://tv.yahoo.com/news/george-jones-funeral-laura-bush-mike-huckabee-speak-173317946.html
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THE RNC RELEASED THIS YESTERDAY.THE LIBS ARE SQUEALING LIKE PIGS IN A SLAUGHTERHOUSE.
(You knew I stay on top of this stuff)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU12wu-bZOU&feature=player_embedded
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You know what they say … “Lead. Follow. Or get out of the way.”
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Is that the same as shit or get off the pot?
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NBC to launch Downton Abbey merchandise collection – after forcing PBS to discontinue ‘unauthorized’ line last year
THIS IS FOR BOB
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2317338/NBC-launch-Downton-Abbey-merchandise-collection–forcing-PBS-discontinue-unauthorized-line-year.html
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Haha! I love love love the series, but I don’t have the figure (or the $$$) for one of those dresses. Also not a knickknack/memorabilia collector — that stuff gathers dust, and guess who does the house cleaning around here? I’ll give you a hint — it’s not Mrs. Hughes…
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CHICAGO JESUS TRAVELING TO MEXICO THIS WEEK TO ‘DEEPEN CULTURAL TIES’ OR SOME CRAP LIKE THAT .PROBABLY TAKING A VAN LOAD OF FOORD STAMPS.
COST FOR HOTEL AND VEHICLE RENTAL TO JOHN Q. TAXPAYER?..$2.5 MILLION.
But hey,its for a good cause,right??
http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/obamas-25m-hotel-and-vehicle-rental-tab-last-mexico-trip_720427.html
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God forbid he should stay home and use the money to strengthen ties with the Americans who want to tour the White House.
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Excellent point! How many weeks of tours could $2.5 Million pay for?
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More proof they are trying to destroy the prestige of the military, and turn it into their own militia:
http://www.clarionproject.org/analysis/air-force-recruits-chaplains-mb-front-group/?utm_source=RadicalIslam.org&utm_campaign=7df768c513-Issue_90&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_01be8b04e3-7df768c513-2711917#fm
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ATTENTION NETFLIX USERS:NETFLIX ABOUT TO LOSE ALMOST 2000 TITLES DUE TO LICENSES EXPIRING
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2317467/Netflix-losing-nearly-2-000-movies-streaming-service-Wednesday-including-James-Bond-Woody-Allen-titles.html
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Uh-oh, bad news…
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HAD TO SHARE THIS ONE WITH YOU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR3ChDXCv0I&feature=youtu.be
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ROFFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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♡♡♡♡♡
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GABOUREY SIDIBE: ‘WHO HASN’T DATED A GAY GUY?’
From the looks of this pig,they go gay AFTER they date her.Remember the James Bond movies where he sticks the compressed air bullet in Yaphet Kotto’s mouth and he blows up like a balloon until he pops?That’s her just before she explodes.
http://movies.yahoo.com/news/gabourey-sidibe-hasnt-dated-gay-dude-190427379.html
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I never dated a gay guy, though I had my suspicions about a guy who had a crush on me in 8th grade. He was really cute, and sweet, but did not have one once of macho in him. I have always wondered how he faired(fairied?).
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Haha! A few of ’em I dated might have been gay — it wouldn’t surprise me. One guy I didn’t date, but had a terrible crush on, did turn out to be gay. He was heart-stoppingly good-looking. Nice guy, too. Why are so many good-looking men gay?
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SEVEN ANIMALS THAT EAT THEIR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS
Surprisingly,republicans aren’t listed
http://news.yahoo.com/7-animals-eat-own-family-members-134100245.html
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Of course they find a way to blame it on global warming.
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SPEAKING OF EATING
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Okay, that one made me laugh out loud. Love the men’s expressions!
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Obama housing nominee: Most white people won’t vote for black candidate, should be excluded from ‘democratic process’
Mel Watt:newest caporegime in the Obama crime family
Read more: http://dailycaller.com/2013/05/01/obama-housing-nominee-most-white-people-wont-vote-for-black-candidate-should-be-excluded-from-democratic-process/#ixzz2S9UWSxYN
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Here’s another one:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2013/05/02/obama-pritzker-froman-commerce-secretary-trade-representative/2128601/
He will be coming to town at the end of the month to do another fundraiser with his mentor and bankroll, Penny Pritzker. Then she will be joining him in the white hut (gotta dance with the one that bought ya).
And people believe him when he says he will not hire lobbyists and wants to get even with “fat cats bankers”.
Can you imagine ANY republican being able to pull this BS?
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Did these morons look at the voter stats for Obama? For that matter, have they looked at how LILY WHITE the top echelon of the Democratic Party, the White House Staff, MSNBC etc etc etc is? Are they blind and stupid or just stupid and blind?
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Already back on the dance floor, beautiful ballroom teacher maimed in Boston bombings appears on Dancing With The Stars
I love bringing you these kind of stories
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2317584/Boston-bomb-victim-Adrianne-Haslet-vows-dance-appears-Dancing-With-The-Stars.html
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Kleenex alert! … Scroll down to see her dancing with her hubby at their wedding. He’s an Air Force Captain. I don’t usually watch DWTS, but I will want to see HER when she’s on! So inspiring. :))
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MSNBC Drops To Third Place Among Cable News Networks In April, Behind CNN For First Time In Two Years…
MSNBC:where careers go to die
http://weaselzippers.us/2013/05/01/msnbc-drops-to-third-place-among-cable-news-in-april-behind-cnn-for-first-time-in-two-years/
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happy feet!
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LAST RHINOS IN MOZAMBIQUE KILLED BY POACHERS IN LEAGUE WITH THE PARK RANGERS WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THEM
So apparently they had the ‘kill to get rich’ gene when their ancestors came here and brought it with them.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/mozambique/10028738/Last-rhinos-in-Mozambique-killed-by-poachers.html
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h/t to:IOTW
There’s a list being sent around via e-mail that is purportedly a compendium of proverbs finished by first graders. Some are a bit too clever to be real. They also have references that I doubt first-graders would know.
Like –
There are none so blind as….. Stevie Wonder
You can’t teach and old dog new…. math.
An idle mind is the…. best way too relax.
I doubt kids know Stevie Wonder, and do they really use the phrase “new math” anymore? It was new math 45 years ago. And kids don’t think in terms of “relaxing.”
These seem like someone wrote them, not like this completely real list, that I found, that was completed by Joe Biden –
•Strike while… you can get placards at Kinko’s half price.
•It’s always darkest… on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard
•Never underestimate the power of…. a hair dryer in the bathtub
•You can lead a horse to water but…. a divining rod is easier to carry
•Don’t bite the hand… that is labeled “my hand”
•Where there’s smoke, there’s…. a ruined Hot Pocket
•Children should be seen and…. exploited
•An apple a day… is like what? 10 apples a week?
•All that glitters is…. hate speech if you make fun of it
•If at first you don’t succeed…. plagiarize
•Don’t count your chickens…. when you’re drunk
•Rome wasn’t built…. without the government
•Variety is the spice… girl with the nice hiney.
•You have to take the good… dump early in the morning.
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MILITARY DAD MAKES DAUGHTER’S PROM DRESS…IT’S CAMO
I doubt there was a prouder girl at the dance
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/military-dad-makes-daughter-s-prom-dress–it-s-camo-191228290.html
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When my Army Princess was in college, she and a friend did the Duct Tape Prom Challenge with the camo tape. He had jacket, pants and shoes; she had a floor length, full skirted gown.
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HUNTING NYC STYLE:OWNERS SET DOGS ON ALLEY RATS
Nanny Bloomberg better stay clear of them.They’ll tear his ass up
.
http://www.philly.com/philly/news/nation_world/20130430_ap_huntingnycstyleownerssetdogsonalleyrats.html
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THE TRIFECTA ARE ON IT TODAY
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Hive-Minded Pod People? Stockholm Syndrome? Or Kevin DuJan’s version, which is Democrat Graft and Blackmail. I vote with Kevin. … Yeah, “getting them MORALLY prepared.”
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GOP TESTS GAY CANDIDATE AS ‘NEW GENERATION REPUBLICAN’
I can’t believe they’re doing this.Pandering to more people who think we’re all a bunch of homophobes.What’s wrong with looking at what kind of character the candidate has,regardless of their sexual orientation?
http://atr.rollcall.com/gop-tests-gay-candidate-as-new-generation-republican-in-poll/
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MARK SANFORD GETS THE ENDORSEMENT OF DOOM FROM SMUTMONGER LARRY FLYNT
He also got endorsements from Tim Scott,whose seat he’s running for and Lindsey Grahamnesty…for whatever that’s worth
http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2013/05/01/larry_flynt_endorses_mark_sanford_who_could_ve_used_some_tetracycline
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Well,it’s been a week.Do you like the new format?Anybody can copy and paste,but for something to be truly funny it has to have a grain of truth.I was always the class clown,but it took a lot of pain to separate when people were laughing with me and laughing at me.I always sort of felt there was plenty of pain and cruelty in the world.I figure my job is to make people feel a little better,if only to be grateful they’re not me.
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You really got me laughing today, and I have gotten nothing done.
Gee, thanks.
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Well, there you go, Pete. The ultimate compliment for a comic. “I got nothing done.” ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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Made me laugh out loud, repeatedly!
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I thoroughly enjoyed the humor; I could tell you were having a good time coming up with it all!
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That self-serving bag of wind Algore just revealed another astonishing superhero feat (in addition to inventing the internet). He single-handedly prevented “violent revolution” in America by “respecting” the Supreme Court ruling that decided the 2000 presidential election in George Bush’s favor.
Listen carefully to his actual words. I REMEMBER 2000. He didn’t give a crap about dragging the country into a cantankerous partisan squabble; he DID that! He only accepted the SCOTUS decision because he LOST the ELECTION.
I heard from a reliable source once that Richard Nixon actually did do what Gore only claims. There was apparently grounds for him challenging the legitimacy of JFK’s win, but he refused to challenge it. He said the ability of the USA to hold valid, peaceful elections was a light to the world and him making a legal stinkeroo afterwards would hurt the hopes and dreams of oppressed peoples abroad, so he wasn’t gonna do it.
http://www.ijreview.com/2013/05/49580-al-gore-i-prevented-violent-revolution-in-america/
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I have heard that about Nixon as well; it takes a big man to do something like that. It’s something a self-absorbed jerk like Gore knows nothing about.
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That’s astonishing. Al Gore’s ego knows no bounds. It’s hard to blame Tipper for throwing in the towel with this blowhard. I think we know who won all of their breakfast table arguments. What a maroon.
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Can’t believe she lasted with him as long as she did.
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Sandra Day O’Connor lamented this week that SCOTUS ever got involved with the recount.Better to have the Florida Supremes,all libs,to keep changing the rules until Fat Al won.It marked the only time the dems didn’t steal an election and 13 years later they’re still fuming about it.
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Yeah, and Benghazi happened so long ago that we’ve all forgotten it and moved on.
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