FromThe Duffel Blog(which we’re beginning to suspect is all wet).
WASHINGTON — The US government has raised its terror warning status this week after the FBI issued a warning that the terror group ISIS may have access to the chemical dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO), and may be preparing to use it in attacks on US soil.
Sources say the group has used the substance to launch probing attacks on multiple US coastal cities. A recent attack in Louisiana has destroyed thousands of homes, although ISIL has not yet claimed responsibility.
“We’re doing everything we can to dry up their supply of DHMO,” said FBI Director James Comey. “We’ve been inundated by a flood of information in the past twenty-four hours, and we hope some of that will trickle down into actionable intelligence.”
Already, numerous drone strikes have been launched against suspected DHMO storage facilities, but thus far they have “barely made a ripple,” say Central Intelligence Agency sources.
The FBI has warned Americans to avoid drinking from public taps, as they may have been saturated with DHMO by ISIL sleeper cells.
Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter says his anger “is boiling over, as in recent years Congress has siphoned off the resources designed to ebb such a threat.”
“We no longer have a well of funding specifically designed to dam the flow of DHMO streaming out of the Middle East,” said Carter. “And without those resources, they’re using it to really mop the floor with us.”
As to how vast ISIL’s DHMO supply actually is, Carter suspects they have “oceans of it.” According to analysts, he says, they have so much that they are “literally drowning in it.”
“Whether we’re able to get to the bottom of this,” says Carter, “really depends on which way the tide turns.”
OAK BLUFFS, MA—Carrying a 47-over-par performance to the 18th tee at Farm Neck Golf Club during his vacation on the island of Martha’s Vineyard Thursday, President Obama told golfing buddy Larry David that he was determined to “get one back,” sources reported.
After utilizing his 10th and final mulligan on an errant slice, the commander-in-chief hit a solid drive down the fairway from the red tees on the 435-yard par 5, leaving approximately 275 yards left to the front of the green. Then “the best couple of 3-woods [he has] ever hit,” along with a very lucky bounce, put him in a situation the leader of the free world has not seen in quite some time: a mere eight feet away from recording a birdie.
Recognizing the magnitude of the moment, David asked for permission to hole out his five-footer in order to set the stage for Obama’s birdie attempt, which the President granted.
“This one’s for all the poor folks down in the great state of Louisiana,” Obama reportedly said to David, before addressing the ball. The lefty then flawlessly executed his trademark outside-to-inside, wrist-heavy putting stroke, sending his customized Titleist skipping smoothly—right into the center of the cup.
After a nanosecond of solemn silence to honor the worst domestic natural disaster in four years, the President celebrated his birdie by dropping his putter and thrusting both fists into the air, whooping loudly, as nearby Secret Service agents applauded.
Waving to everyone who had witnessed the magical moment, Obama called out loudly, “That was for Louisiana!”
“Ask Larry—I even said it before I putted!” he added.
GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section.
“We’ve heard the public outcry against our profiting from the sale of damnable heresy,” a Family Christian spokesperson wrote in a statement. “But fear not—we’ve worked hard to pull all the books by dangerous false teachers like Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, and T.D. Jakes, and move them under our new ‘False Teaching’ section so they’ll be much easier to locate.”
According to the statement, Family Christian Stores sales associates will be provided with additional training to help customers navigate the new section of false doctrine. “Our sales floor personnel will be given the very best instruction possible, to help customers discern which false teacher they’d like to get moral guidance and wacky theological ideas from with each visit to our stores.”
Speaking to reporters, an FCS sales director estimated that the “False Teaching” section is expected to take up the bulk of each store’s sales floor space, and will make up the lion’s share of company revenue going forward.
WASHINGTON — The Navy announced today it would build and commission the USS Thanks Obama, a new frigate that will be used solely for rapid deployment to disasters around the world.
“We want to honor our president and thank him for all his hard work,” said Navy Secretary Ray Mabus. “While at the same time, fielding a ship that is more than capable of deploying to hotspots he has sternly tweeted about.”
The planned ship will be an updated design of the Littoral Combat Ship — which many view as one of the best ships in the Navy — though it will have integrated solar panels as its main power source. The USS Thanks Obama will also be put on the water long before it’s ready and will be billions over budget, in keeping with both Obama administration and Navy tradition.
The Thanks Obama will also have a more modern galley filled with vegan options, a gym that plays “Let’s Move” videos on repeat, and a medical facility with state-of-the-art waiting rooms.
Mabus also said it would be the first ship equipped with a magazine of six auxiliary captains onboard, for rapid firing and replacement.
As everyone knows, Barack Obama recently took the occasion of a memorial service for the murdered Dallas police officers to deliver another idiotic rant on gun control. Among other imbecilic statements, the Pinnochio of Pennsylvania Avenue said the following (and get a load of the expressions on the faces of the cops seated behind him):
A lot of people have been critical of the speech because he used it as an opportunity to lecture about race and guns. Some say that it is staggeringly idiotic and cruel to utter even one blatantly political statement at a memorial service for dead cops. Some say that one line in particular will stand out as perhaps one of the dumbest statements ever spoken by a president, especially during an event like this.
The line went as follows:
“We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than get his hands on a computer or even a book.”
Some say this kind of sentiment belongs in commentaries written by your ill informed aunt on Facebook, not in a speech delivered by the President of the United States at a funeral in front of a bunch of people who, given the location and the occasion, are sure to already differ with him wildly on the issue. Some say this statement — let alone the rest of the speech — proves that Obama is a compulsive liar, manipulator, and probably a sociopath.
Some say these things. But I do not say them. In fact, I would like to defend Obama publicly. It’s easy to make fun of the notion that firearms are easier for a child to obtain than a library book, but the people mocking Obama clearly have not been out in the world recently.
I can tell you that his claims line up perfectly with my own experience. In fact, just last week I went to Barnes and Noble to buy a book only to discover that almost all of the shelves were bare. Instead of books, I found piles and piles of Glocks lying around on the floor. A sign read: “Free Glocks! Please take three.”
I saw several kids eagerly grabbing armfuls of Glocks. I’m assuming they need them because the schools these days don’t assign book reports anymore — they assign gun reports. I’m told that instead of summer reading lists, the kids are given summer shooting lists. If a kid shoots up to 5 guns in a week, he earns a certificate that he can redeem for a free personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut. Even the computer labs at schools these days have been replaced with gun labs. There are guns everywhere.
Anyway, I took three guns myself. Somehow, I did manage to find a book buried under five or six Glocks. I decided to buy it even though it was 750 dollars — the average price for a book in today’s America. I had to produce an ID and pass a background check for the book, of course, but the whole process only took about 45 minutes.
The problem is that I can’t take it outside anywhere because my state doesn’t allow open carry for fiction novels. I did obtain a concealed reading permit, but most public establishments discourage or even ban reading so the permit is basically useless.
On the other hand, I can take my guns anywhere, buy them anywhere, rent them for free from the library, and shoot them wherever I want. The whole situation feels a bit incongruous, if you ask me.
I’m glad the President finally spoke out on this issue, even if he did have to turn a memorial service into a gun control rally to do it. I am so proud of my president!
Other smart alecks ridiculed King Putt’s asinine remark by “Glocking” the titles of some of those elusive books that are supposedly so difficult to get one’s hands on. Here are some that I collected from Twitter, along with a few of my own (feel free to add your own in the comments):
A Glockwork Orange
To Kill a Glockingbird
Sisterhood of the Traveling Glocks
The Hunt for Red Glocktober
The French Lieutenant’s Glock
The Glockfather
The Glocks of Wrath
James and the Giant Glock
Little Glock on the Prairie
Where the Wild Glocks Are
If You Give a Mouse a Glock
A Tale of Two Glocks
One Glock Two Glock Red Glock Blue Glock
The Joy Glock Club
The Great Glocksby
The Glocks of the Baskervilles
Of Glocks and Men
How Stella Got Her Glock Back
The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Glock
Glock and Glockability
The Adventures of Huckleberry Glock
The Fellowship of the Glock
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Glock
Far from the Madding Glock
Glock and Punishment
Are You There, Glock? It’s Me, Margaret
And of course my personal favorite, The Holy Bible, King Glock Version.
Abby Johnson, former Planned Parenthood employee turned life advocate:
“And Then There Were None (ATTWN) is a registered nonprofit organization that exists to help abortion clinic workers leave the abortion industry. ATTWN is pro-life without exceptions. But beyond that, we’re pro-ALL life. We’re pro-love.
“We believe that a clinic worker’s life is valuable, too. As former clinic workers, we have a different perspective than others may have — we’ve been in their shoes. And we used those shoes to walk away.
“ATTWN seeks to end abortion from the inside out. We believe that the end of abortion starts with abortion clinic workers leaving their jobs and finding healing from their past work. That’s why, as former clinic workers ourselves, we’re committed to helping them through the ENTIRE journey.”
polination.blog 