Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

As everyone knows, Barack Obama recently took the occasion of a memorial service for the murdered Dallas police officers to deliver another idiotic rant on gun control. Among other imbecilic statements, the Pinnochio of Pennsylvania Avenue said the following (and get a load of the expressions on the faces of the cops seated behind him):

Matt Walsh commented:

A lot of people have been critical of the speech because he used it as an opportunity to lecture about race and guns. Some say that it is staggeringly idiotic and cruel to utter even one blatantly political statement at a memorial service for dead cops. Some say that one line in particular will stand out as perhaps one of the dumbest statements ever spoken by a president, especially during an event like this. 

The line went as follows:

“We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than get his hands on a computer or even a book.”

Some say this kind of sentiment belongs in commentaries written by your ill informed aunt on Facebook, not in a speech delivered by the President of the United States at a funeral in front of a bunch of people who, given the location and the occasion, are sure to already differ with him wildly on the issue. Some say this statement — let alone the rest of the speech — proves that Obama is a compulsive liar, manipulator, and probably a sociopath. 

Some say these things. But I do not say them. In fact, I would like to defend Obama publicly. It’s easy to make fun of the notion that firearms are easier for a child to obtain than a library book, but the people mocking Obama clearly have not been out in the world recently. 

I can tell you that his claims line up perfectly with my own experience. In fact, just last week I went to Barnes and Noble to buy a book only to discover that almost all of the shelves were bare. Instead of books, I found piles and piles of Glocks lying around on the floor. A sign read: “Free Glocks! Please take three.” 

I saw several kids eagerly grabbing armfuls of Glocks. I’m assuming they need them because the schools these days don’t assign book reports anymore — they assign gun reports. I’m told that instead of summer reading lists, the kids are given summer shooting lists. If a kid shoots up to 5 guns in a week, he earns a certificate that he can redeem for a free personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut. Even the computer labs at schools these days have been replaced with gun labs. There are guns everywhere. 

Anyway, I took three guns myself. Somehow, I did manage to find a book buried under five or six Glocks. I decided to buy it even though it was 750 dollars — the average price for a book in today’s America. I had to produce an ID and pass a background check for the book, of course, but the whole process only took about 45 minutes.

The problem is that I can’t take it outside anywhere because my state doesn’t allow open carry for fiction novels. I did obtain a concealed reading permit, but most public establishments discourage or even ban reading so the permit is basically useless.

On the other hand, I can take my guns anywhere, buy them anywhere, rent them for free from the library, and shoot them wherever I want. The whole situation feels a bit incongruous, if you ask me. 

I’m glad the President finally spoke out on this issue, even if he did have to turn a memorial service into a gun control rally to do it. I am so proud of my president!

Other smart alecks ridiculed King Putt’s asinine remark by “Glocking” the titles of some of those elusive books that are supposedly so difficult to get one’s hands on. Here are some that I collected from Twitter, along with a few of my own (feel free to add your own in the comments):

A Glockwork Orange

To Kill a Glockingbird

Sisterhood of the Traveling Glocks

The Hunt for Red Glocktober

The French Lieutenant’s Glock

The Glockfather

The Glocks of Wrath

James and the Giant Glock

Little Glock on the Prairie

Where the Wild Glocks Are

If You Give a Mouse a Glock

A Tale of Two Glocks

One Glock Two Glock Red Glock Blue Glock

The Joy Glock Club

The Great Glocksby

The Glocks of the Baskervilles

Of Glocks and Men

How Stella Got Her Glock Back

The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Glock

Glock and Glockability

The Adventures of Huckleberry Glock

The Fellowship of the Glock

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Glock

Far from the Madding Glock

Glock and Punishment

Are You There, Glock? It’s Me, Margaret

And of course my personal favorite, The Holy Bible, King Glock Version.