Author Archives: bluebird of bitterness

From The Babylon Bee.

SACRAMENTO, CA—California governor Jerry Brown signed an executive order Tuesday re-opening the internment camps utilized to illegally detain Japanese citizens during World War II in order to forcibly imprison anyone who misgenders another individual by using the wrong pronoun for him, her, or them.

 

The camps will be open for offenders by January 2018.

“Use the darn pronouns or shut up,” Brown said in a press conference. “Tolerance is so important to us in this great state that we can no longer tolerate those who disagree.”

“Every American has the right to free speech, so long as it agrees with the spirit of the age,” he added.

The governor has also reportedly okayed the expenditure of up to $7.5 billion on a state-of-the-art alarm system that will allow citizens to press a button on a nearby kiosk or using their smartphone, summoning a team of state “thought police” to carry the offending pronoun user away, “no questions asked.”

The measure will be funded by a 3,000% increase on the state’s modest gasoline taxes, sources confirmed.

From The Babylon Bee.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Kicking off a rousing and emotional monologue on his Jimmy Kimmel Live! late-night talk show Tuesday during which he laid out yet another case for the common-sense nature of his views on policy and the evil barbarism of those who hold different views, host Jimmy Kimmel reached into his desk and produced a document officially declaring himself America’s greatest moral authority.

 

“I know some people have questioned my impassioned political speeches, so let me just show you this,” Kimmel said before presenting the document for all the world to see. “I guess I assumed it was obvious due to the tone of my lectures and the obvious emotion behind them, but just in case anyone is unclear—I am, in fact, this nation’s highest moral authority.”

The paper, which contained the words “Official Document” in bold at the top, appeared to have read “This document officially certifies James Christian Kimmel as The United States of America’s highest moral authority; furthermore, as the sole arbiter of truth within the land.”

“Go ahead and zoom in on it,” the host said as he held the paper still for a moment. “Take a good look. And check out those asterisks at the top—this is the real deal. I sincerely hope none of you will question my authority again.”

“So whether I’m holding court about nationalized health care, women’s rights, or gun control: I am right, and only right, all the time. And if you disagree with me, you are wrong and you passionately want people to die,” he added.

At publishing time, the document’s origins are unknown, with most experts hypothesizing that Kimmel himself printed it out in his office before the show.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Youths Make Joke About Tim Keller’s Baldness, Immediately Mauled by Bears

Feelings Now Acceptable As Answers to Math Problems

Bill Nye to Dress Up As Real Scientist for Halloween

From The Babylon Bee.

SEATTLE, WA—After reading several chapters from the gospels over the weekend, local progressive believer Wendy Butler reportedly published a Patheos blog post in which she criticized Jesus of Nazareth for “not being very Christlike.”

The blog post took Jesus to task for His “unloving and problematic” teachings.

“He devotes entire sections of His sermons to ranting about archaic religious concepts like hell and the last judgment instead of just coming alongside the marginalized and affirming their sins,” Butler said. “Very little of what He did on earth I would describe as life-giving. Frankly, I do a better job of being Christlike than Christ Himself.”

The woman was also agitated to find that Jesus didn’t devote any of His time recorded in the Scriptures to advocating for government-subsidized healthcare or women’s abortion rights.

“He had a few good things to say about loving our neighbors, but the bad outweighs the good in Jesus’ teachings, if we’re looking at things honestly here,” her essay continued. “He really needed to ask Himself, ‘What would Jesus do?’ more often, and then He’d have devoted a lot more of His time to social justice, like me.”

At publishing time, a horrified Butler had discovered the description of the Redeemer coming in His wrath in Revelation 19.

More from The Babylon Bee:

Joel Osteen Launches Line of Pastoral Wear: ‘Sheep’s Clothing’

Back Pew Voted Best Spot in Church Fifty-Eighth Year Running

Food Consumed at Church Functions Does Not Count Toward Daily Caloric Intake, Nutritionists Confirm

Archaeologists Discover King David’s Collection of Essential Oils

Planned Parenthood Sentenced to 8 Million Consecutive Life Sentences