Category Archives: Funny Stuff

From The Babylon Bee.

 

OAK BLUFFS, MA—Carrying a 47-over-par performance to the 18th tee at Farm Neck Golf Club during his vacation on the island of Martha’s Vineyard Thursday, President Obama told golfing buddy Larry David that he was determined to “get one back,” sources reported.

After utilizing his 10th and final mulligan on an errant slice, the commander-in-chief hit a solid drive down the fairway from the red tees on the 435-yard par 5, leaving approximately 275 yards left to the front of the green. Then “the best couple of 3-woods [he has] ever hit,” along with a very lucky bounce, put him in a situation the leader of the free world has not seen in quite some time: a mere eight feet away from recording a birdie.

Recognizing the magnitude of the moment, David asked for permission to hole out his five-footer in order to set the stage for Obama’s birdie attempt, which the President granted.

“This one’s for all the poor folks down in the great state of Louisiana,” Obama reportedly said to David, before addressing the ball. The lefty then flawlessly executed his trademark outside-to-inside, wrist-heavy putting stroke, sending his customized Titleist skipping smoothly—right into the center of the cup.

After a nanosecond of solemn silence to honor the worst domestic natural disaster in four years, the President celebrated his birdie by dropping his putter and thrusting both fists into the air, whooping loudly, as nearby Secret Service agents applauded.

Waving to everyone who had witnessed the magical moment, Obama called out loudly, “That was for Louisiana!”

“Ask Larry—I even said it before I putted!” he added.

From The Babylon Bee.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Responding to customer complaints alleging that works from well-known false teachers were mixed in with biblically sound material in the company’s bookstores, Family Christian Stores announced Tuesday morning that all books by apostates will be immediately removed from their shelves and separated into their own easy-to-find section.

“We’ve heard the public outcry against our profiting from the sale of damnable heresy,” a Family Christian spokesperson wrote in a statement. “But fear not—we’ve worked hard to pull all the books by dangerous false teachers like Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, and T.D. Jakes, and move them under our new ‘False Teaching’ section so they’ll be much easier to locate.”

According to the statement, Family Christian Stores sales associates will be provided with additional training to help customers navigate the new section of false doctrine. “Our sales floor personnel will be given the very best instruction possible, to help customers discern which false teacher they’d like to get moral guidance and wacky theological ideas from with each visit to our stores.”

Speaking to reporters, an FCS sales director estimated that the “False Teaching” section is expected to take up the bulk of each store’s sales floor space, and will make up the lion’s share of company revenue going forward.