Category Archives: Funny Stuff

Posted by Pistol Pete

We made it to Friday.Take a break from the normal BS that permeates our society and just enjoy the ravings of an old man slipping further into dementia.There are no penis or breast articles that I can recall today,but there are two dealing with that bodily function everybody does and nobody talks about(except with your spouse,unless you have really gross friends.)Got some cool screen captures,too.

THESES LOOK JUST LIKE VALJAR’S SLUMS BACK IN CHI….FULL OF MY SECTION 8ERS

WHAT’S THE GHETTO VERSION OF MR. POTATO HEAD?…DEAD BEET DAD

WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR OBAMA VOTERS IN A CADILLAC?…GRAND THEFT AUTO

BARRY THOUGHT HE WAS MEETING SAUDI KING ABDULLAH…IT WAS ACTUALLY A LOOK-ALIKE NAMED SALEEM ABDUL YOMAMA,AN ITINERANT GOATHERDER.THE MEDAL BARRY’S WEARING IS MADE FROM PULL TABS FROM ‘INFIDEL BEER.’

BELGIUM MADE BARRY A LIFESIZE COOKIE OF HIMSELF WITH A BASKETBALL.THEY ORIGINALLY MADE IT OF HIM WITH A GOLF CLUB BUT THE NAALCP SAID HE LOOKED “TOO WHITE”,SINCE BRUTHAS DON’T PLAYS NO GOLFS.

MICHELLE BIT THE HEAD OFF STRAIGHTAWAY AND REGGIE LOVE OUTRACED CHRIS MATTHEWS AND A CROWD OF MEDIA TYPES TO EAT THE ASS.

Monika Allen,a brain cancer survivor,wore a tutu to run a marathon.

• Ms Allen was contacted by the magazine and asked for permission to use her photo – but she was not told it would be seen in the ‘BS Meter’
  
• It appeared in the section on ‘what’s legit and what’s lame this month’
  

EDITOR SAID SHE WAS “MORTIFIED” WHEN SHE SAW THE ARTICLE.
AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED,’SELF MAGAZINE’ CAN GO SQUAT ON A CACTUS.

YOU GO,GIRL

A funny thing happened on the way to a ham sandwich

By Todd Starnes – March 27, 2014

I was in the mood for a ham sandwich the other day so I walked around the corner to my neighborhood market to pick up some provisions.

I snagged a shopping cart with three workable wheels and maneuvered my way through the store humming along to a Muzak menagerie of Mr. Mister and Lionel Richie songs. I stopped for a brief moment in the produce aisle to admire a pair of hipsters as they harmonized to “Say You, Say Me.”

Anyway, after selecting a deli ham, I dropped by condiments aisle to get a jar of spicy mustard along with some bread & butter pickles.

I was about check out when I suddenly remembered that I needed some cheese.

So I made a beeline for the dairy aisle and that’s when I made a startling discovery. I brought my three-wheeled shopping cart to a screeching halt. I came face to face with a massive sign bearing giant letters.

It read: “HISPANIC CHEESE.”

I stared at the display for quite some time. I found myself drifting into an imaginary conversation with a store clerk…

“Do you need some help, sir?”

“Yes. Could you tell me where you keep the Caucasian cheese?”

“I’m sorry, sir but we don’t carry Caucasian cheese – although, we do have a rather nice selection of white cheddars.”

I was tempted to purchase some “Hispanic” cheese, but I feared retribution at the checkout counter. What if the clerk confronted me about trying to purchase a cheese that was contrary to my ethnicity?

“Sir, I’m afraid you’ve violated our tolerance and diversity regulations,” I imagined the clerk saying. “It’s apparent that Hispanic cheese is nacho cheese.”

So to be safe, I decided to purchase American cheese (which is allowed provided you have at least two forms of government identification).

I found the entire episode a bit disconcerting. When did they start segregating the dairy products?

Seeing how President Obama ushered the nation into a post-racial age, you’d think grocery stores would be a bit more sensitive to that kind of thing.

Why single out the Hispanic cheeses?

What about the Italians or the French?

What’s next? Will grocery stores separate American cabbage from Bok Choy? Will Basmati rice be allowed to share shelf space with Uncle Ben’s?

Oh, how my taste buds weep for the less fortunate cheese among us.

I recall that delightful song from church days gone by. “Jesus loves the little cheeses, … “

Read the rest @ http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2014/03/27/funny-thing-happened-on-way-to-ham-sandwich/

Posted by Pistol Pete

Ahh,memories. I pay an exorbitant amount to get all the premium channels because of,basically,the NFL Network,the Military channel and Encore Westerns. I saw a movie on Encore yesterday called “A Big Hand for the Little Lady.” It starred Henry Fonda and Joanne Woodward. Great comedy made in 1966. It was playing at the drive-in theater when I had my first car date. I’ll never forget her. Really cute and built for comfort. I was completely inexperienced and had only had my first real kiss the year before. Much to my chagrin,I must have missed the part in health class where making out with a girl wearing braces on her teeth could be hazardous to your health. I kept telling myself I was having the time of my life. When I got home my tongue and neck looked like I’d been attacked by a rabid veg-o-matic. Granny said:’What’s that on your neck,young man?’ Apparently when granny and gramps were courting,hickeys hadn’t been invented yet.

Grandpa just chuckled.He thought it was funny as hell.

Chrissy:whenever I was having a pity party for one,granny would hug me and say,’you know you’re somebody important because God don’t make no junk.’ It always made me feel better.

Grunt:your link to the article about Putin cutting off the prostitute pipeline got me thinking. Back when I traveled around the city a lot I used to get approached by a hooker occasionally when I had to stop for a red light. My stock answer was  that I could stand being broke but I couldn’t stand being bored.

Part of the fun I have doing research for this post is finding pictues I can turn into something funny.

Tomorrow’s Friday and I have some really good stuff waiting for you,as always.

Barry laid a wreath at Flanders cemetery to honor WWI veterans. He looks like he’s putting his hand over where his heart purportedly is. In reality,he’s checking to make sure he has enough cigarettes.

Workers put the finishing touches on the wax figure of Plugs Biden for the Mme. Tussaud museum. Looks lifelike,doesn’t he?

LOOK HERE,POPE…I NEED SOME OF Y’ALLS MOJO. PEOPLE AIN’T BUYIN’ THE BULLSHIT ANYMORE. TELL YOU WHAT. YOU GIVE ME A COUPLE COMMEMORATIVE MEDALS AND A RED LEATHER BOUND COPY OF ‘EVANGELII GAUDIUM’ AND I’LL GIVE YOU SOME PACKETS OF VEGETABLE SEEDS FROM THE OLD LADY’S GARDEN. THAT SOUND COOL TO YOU?

After a snack of two dozen egg rolls and 4 gallons of egg drop soup and 6 plates of Moo Shoo pork,FLOTUS let a fart rip that was so toxic it set off an air quality alert in china.

Honey,do I look fat to you?

Do I look crazy to you?

Holland newspaper is in trouble for printing this picture.While I do not approve,it is an indication of what much of the world thinks of Dear Reader.

FORMER SPEAKER PELOSI APPLYING MAKEUP BEFORE GOING OUT TO MAKE ANOTHER DISJOINTED,DERANGED COMMENT. (sorry,Grunt)

ENOUGH HUMOR…THE REST OF THIS POST WILL BE COMPLETELY SERIOUS

(just kidding)

Posted by Pistol Pete

Miss Isabel and Miss Olivia are on spring break this week,so DW and I are designated chirren minders. Miss Isabel has become lactose intolerant,so grandpa brought her some sherbet and some chocolate-flavored soy milk. I’ll never get near Grandma numbers,but a few brownie points helps. By the time dad comes to fetch them home at night we remember what we DON’T miss about having little ones underfoot anymore.

I was extremely gratified to see some conversations posted yesterday.

Chrissy,your knowledge of snails is truly enlightening.

Zmalfoy:you made a comment about your use of the word ‘harass.’

Did you know that in Arkansas ‘harrass’ is used as two words? Ask Mr. Crooked Penis.

As a chile,his teacher said: Billy,use the word ‘harassment’ in a sentence.

Billy: Her lips said no,but I knew what harassment.

(I made that joke up some years ago in a rare moment of clarity.)

GRUNT:Sorry the Pelosi gumball picture freaked you out.Maybe you’ll like this one better:

BEHOLD THE DEDICATION OF OUR TOTALLY UNBIASED NEWS NETWORKS:

THERE ARE A LOT OF VIDEOS TODAY. ONE IS OF THIS PRIME EXAMPLE OF DEMOCRAT WOMANHOOD.

THIS KINDLY OLD LADY CROCHETED A UTERUS AND TOOK IT TO A PLANNED PARENTHOOD RALLY AGAINST UNBORN CHILDREN

THE WOOKIE SHOWS SHE CAN DO TAI CHI EVEN AFTER SHE ATE A WHOLE PIG.CHECK OUT THE SIZE OF HER FLIPPERS COMPARED TO THE GUY

HEY,MOOCH:WHADDYA CALL A FAT CHINAMAN? A CHUNK

Posted by Pistol Pete

Today the Supreme Court is hearing oral arguments in a case known as Hobby Lobby vs. Sebelius to determine whether a business has the same rights to freedom of religion as individuals do. The left frames it as religious rights vs. womens’ rights. What I can’t figure out is how this involves “womens’ rights” in any way.

Mooch is still waddling around China,forcing the media out of her public appearances and making phony speeches about freedoms.

Barky landed in Brussels yesterday. The summit has decided to suspend Russia for the time being. Krauthammer commented that it was like suspending a vegan from a steakhouse. He just doesn’t care. Dear Reader’s trip to the Netherlands for one day cost the country 10 million euros. They’re finding out what its like putting up with this disaster.

MOST OF MY IMAGES ARE OF A POLITICAL OR HUMOROUS NATURE. I JUST THREW THIS ONE OF TWO SNAILS LEANING OVER FOR A KISS WHILE PERCHED ON CHERRY STEMS BECAUSE I JUST LIKED IT.

THIS IS WHY LIBERALS WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND SOLDIERS

Added by CtH: This is a screenshot I took while watching the beatdown video Pete posted below, cuz the ad placement cracked me up!

Posted by Pistol Pete

So,how was your weekend? The disappearance of the Maylaysian jetliner is going into its third week. The networks are still going wall-to-wall with breaking news about….nothing. All this is to avoid having to say anything about Putin bitch-slapping the Magic Negro and the various and sundry atrocities perpetrated by the democrat party…and they are legion. Hopefully I can help you catch up. There is one link today that may be the most appalling I’ve ever posted. If I didn’t think it was of import I would not have included it.

First:

Barky got in another round of golf yesterday before jetting off to the Netherlands for an emergency meeting of the G-7 powers to discuss the Russian invasion of Ukraine. It also affords him the chance to duck the media for another week.

Michelle is having a very nice time in China,thank you. She’s made so many outrageous statements I included a few links here so as not to use valuable space in the reply section.

Michelle: Barack ‘Has Dragged Me Kicking and Screaming Into Things that I Wanted No Parts Of’

Yeah,she really said that.

http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/michelle-barack-has-dragged-me-kicking-and-screaming-things-i-wanted-no-parts_785779.html