Category Archives: Funny Stuff

It’s Day One of #SequesterApocalypse! A few choice tweets collected from Twitter this morning:

Breaking: The dead have arisen from their graves and are eating the brains of the living… Biden unthreatened…

Obama: whatever happens, it’s Republicans’ fault. Media: whatever happens, it’s Republicans’ fault.

Beware. We are all losing our jobs, and 20 million of us will lose our jobs twice, according to Maxine Waters.

90 minutes into sequester. Power’s still on, internet’s still up, no sign of looters. Guess I can put the Glock away.

Interns are burning regulations and tax code for warmth, estimated reserves are nearly 100 years.

If only Homer were here to chronicle #SequesterApocalypse as the rosy-fingered dawn touched this fateful day.

In honor of sequester, today I will spend 2.4% less than the 5% more I was planning on spending. Still 40% on credit.

Just remember, somewhere today kittens are being euthanized and it’s all the Republicans’ fault.

Dept. of Agriculture cuts diversity trainer’s salary to $1million. Zombie acceptance seminars still mandatory.

Even though the nation will be enduring #SequesterApocalypse, the murder rate in Chicago will remain unaffected. Congrats, Rahm!

Michelle Obama asked that #SequesterApocalypse be made a federal holiday so she can take one more vacation.

Sent my kids to school, but they’ll probably be bored without teachers.

Is this #SequesterApocalypse gonna be anything like Y2K? Because I have a lot of canned goods which I also didn’t use for the #FiscalCliff.

170 million lost their jobs and Guam has capsized. Oh the humanity!

Will I still get free birth control?

I cut my shower time down 2%, doing my part.

Arugula will disappear from Trader Joe’s.

Scattered reports of teachers beating up students & stealing their lunch money. Details at 11 if we survive that long.

Moochelle will be forced to wear a designer outfit more than once.

After #SequesterApocalypse hits, you’ll no longer be able to breeze thru the DMV in 4 short hours.

Forgot to buy toilet paper for the bunker. Gonna have to use the Obama poster.

My colleagues and I are playing Rock Paper Scissors over who gets to cannibalize the undergraduates.

This just in: submarines are sinking in the ocean due to the #SequesterApocalypse!

Heavily armed in my basement. Let me know when spending exceeds 2011 levels and it’s safe to resurface.

There’s still millions of dollars to study the mating habits of 3-toed pygmy albino river otters, right?

Release federal prisoners, ground all flights, close national parks, but don’t touch my Obamaphone!

Funding for Nancy Pelosi’s cosmetic surgery cut. Get ready for real horror!

OMG the sky is falling! Oh wait, it’s just snow.

Obama cutting back to just 6 days a week of skeet shooting.

Today’s Tweet Giggle is courtesy of Katrina vanden Heuvel (progressive editor, publisher, and part-owner of the magazine The Nation) who BRAGGED in a tweet that the “smart interns & young folks” working for her at The Nation “have no idea who Woodward is.”

• Such grotesque ignorance about an icon of your own profession is nothing to brag on.
• I must not be smart, I know who Bob Woodward is, but I have no idea who Katrina VandenHeuvel is.
• Juice Box Media: Journolistas who don’t know Woodward from a hole in their pants.
• Do the Nation’s interns know Hiss was a Soviet spy?
• “Smart” interns: Clueless products of the liberal assembly line.

Katrina bristled: “Clarification: @thenation interns know who Woodward was but have far clearer memory of his establishment role post-Watergate.”

• They have no idea who he is but they know all about him. Come to think of it, that’s libs to a tee.
• Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s like, “Didn’t you used to be Bob Woodward?”

Katrina continued digging: “They’re real smart & know of political abuses galore but Woodward 2 them is establishment journalist, not Watergate muckraker.”

• If these young people are so damn smart, why are they interning for The Nation?
• Is this like participation awards? Does everyone get a smart certificate?

Katrina renews her vows as Obama Bridesmaid in case some “senior White House official” follows her tweets AND has her email addy: “Aren’t there bigger scandals Bob Woodward could muckrake — besides WH moving “goal posts” of a manufactured crisis?”

• Gotta love her last tweet: ‘Nothing to see here — Move On.’
• But she is like smawt! You folks just took her comment out of context … or something. And another thing … SQUIRREL!

• “Clarification upon clarification” won’t change what you said. Your interns are dumber than a box of rocks.
  • But not as dumb as Katrina. She is “supposed” to be a communications expert.

• Please, someone, hand @KatrinaNation another shovel.
  • I think she has it handled. She is currently using a backhoe.

• I’d love to hear some of these ace interns’ guesses as to why scandals always end in “-gate.”
• Historic event at MIT today. 8th year grad students find out who Einstein was.

• It’s better not to tweet and let people think you’re an idiot that to open your tweet hole and remove all doubt.
• Katrina has returned…the Nation suffers.

Source:

http://twitchy.com/2013/02/28/hilarious-editor-of-the-nation-boasts-that-her-smart-interns-have-no-idea-who-woodward-is/

Posted by Pistol Pete

Sooo,the GOP isn’t caving and now Barry has to walk back his doomsday predictions a bit.It may be wishful thinking,but it seems like the media whores are a little less eager to hide his treachery than they usually are.Maybe some of them are getting tired of being played for the fools they truly are.Woodward dared speak up yesterday(as per the video I posted) and now he’s gotten a threatening e-mail from financial hack Gene Sperling.Those of us who pay attention know this administration is run like a crime family.Woodward has long been a hero to the enemedia because he has a presidential scalp hanging from his belt.They’re making it clear nobody speaks against the Chosen One…nobody.

I heard a clip this morning  on WLS from Jim Sacia,a state representative from Pecatonica,which is about 12 miles west of where I live.Granny’s family came from that area.He goes ballistic on the Chicago Syndicate and makes a notable analogy about the convoluted plans they have come up with to comply with court-ordered concealed-carry law that they must pass.Please check it out.

Posted by Pistol Pete

Got some good stuff today.

Chrissy:we are praying the Lord lifts you up and eases your burden.Hope you’re feeling better.We sure need you.

THIS IS THE OFFICIAL PORTRAIT OF WEEPER-OF-THE-HOUSE,JOHN BOEHNER

HE IS MENTIONED IN TWO NEWS ITEMS TODAY

Posted by Pistol Pete

Nineteen years ago I decided to stop trying to make so many women happy and concentrate on making one woman miserable.I have not regretted my choice for a moment.She’s not much for candy or flowers because we frankly can’t afford them.She does,however still enjoy a foot massage while we’re watching TV on the couch.We are so in tune,we usually know what the other one is thinking.I tell people she never worries about me flirting,because I could be arrested for assault with a dead weapon.She told me she fell for me because I made her laugh.Don’t know where she got that idea.

I never watch any of these TV award shows,because they’re nothing but a bunch of people making a lot of money pretending to be somebody else.I heard on the radio this morning that Mooch presented the Oscar for best picture by remote.I thought, ‘Sweet Jesus,can’t we ever get away from these people EVER?’

Added by CtH: Tweeters are having fun listing where Mooch will appear next @ https://twitter.com/search?q=%23NextMichelleObamaAppearance&src=hash … I’d blog the best, but I’m having a bad day. Prayers would come in handy. I really feel awful.

THIS IS CLASS

THIS IS CRASS

That grinning,arrogant,in-your-face,look at all the cool shit I get to do attitude is even wearing out the press.I saw an item this morning that someone in the press pool heard loud groaning when they first caught sight of Bigmouth.