Category Archives: Funny Stuff

by | January 25, 2012 · 10:25 am

THE WEDNESDAY ‘DOING MY FAIR SHARE’ GRUDGE

Posted by Pistol Pete
I could issue a sarcasm warning but you all know me by now.

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,BARACK H. OBAMA

Dear Dickhead:

I have a friend that I’m quite fond of.You might say I even worship him.You know what that’s like,right?
He once said: “Suffer the little children to come to me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God.”
In the 20 years you sat and listened to that anti-semitic racist gasbag with the unmitigated gall to call himself a reverend,you may have heard of Him.
His name is Jesus Christ.

‘PRO-CHOICE’ OBAMA FORCES RELIGIOUS INSTITUTIONS TO PAY FOR ABORTION DRUGS

The problem I have with that phrase is what are the choices?
I guess the term ‘pro-abortion’ is just too harsh to label those who delight in slaughtering innocent lives.

http://www.americanthinker.com/2012/01/pro-choice_obama_forces_religious_institutions_to_pay_for_abortion_drugs.html

OBAMA TO REPUBLICANS: ‘GAME ON’

Listen,you arrogant sonofabitch–this might be a game to you,BUT THIS IS NOT A GAME!!!!!
People are losing their jobs,their homes,their investments are shrinking,people are eating pasta because they can’t afford meat,shop at the goodwill store for clothes to send their kids for indoctrination by union teachers and have three generations of families living in one house because they have nowhere else to go.November is coming,pally.Game over.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-501708_162-57365433/obama-to-republicans-game-on/

DIVA:NEWT WON’T ATTEND DEBATES WITHOUT CHEERING AUDIENCE

Newt:GET A GRIP!!!
You were losing the South Carolina primary until you put the smackdown on David ‘BIG HAIR’ Gregory,much to the approval of the crowd.The media knew it,which is why Brian ‘too cute for words’ Williams ordered no applause at the first Florida debate.Remember how you got pummeled about whining over having to sit in the back of Air Force One when Klintoon was in office?You were just a feckless Speaker then.Now you want to take a job from their Chosen One.You fancy yourself as a great debater,but Romney ate your lunch.You can’t debate your way to the presidency.Stop bitching about the media and articulate your position on the issues.Every republican knows it’s an unfair fight.Man up and run your race.

http://townhall.com/tipsheet/katehicks/2012/01/24/diva_newt_wont_attend_debates_without_cheering_audiences

AS A FORMER MEMBER OF THE DAIRY FARMING COMMUNITY,I’M OFFENDED FOR HOLSTEIN,GUERNSEY AND JERSEY COWS EVERYWHERE AT THE LAME ATTEMPT AT HUMOR BY SOMEBODY WHO COULDN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BARN BOOT AND A BIRKENSTOCK

NOW,GOP OUGHT TO BE LICKING ITS CHOPS
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/now_gop_ought_to_be_licking_its_3PKYcK4qOfiYxhJYBfMM9L

THE AD ROMNEY SHOULD RUN
You made your money honestly–stop apologizing for it.

http://spectator.org/archives/2012/01/25/the-ad-romney-should-run

YOU’RE RIGHT,MR. PRESIDENT,WE NEED MORE FAIRNESS
Here’s some suggestions.
http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2012/01/youre_right_mr_president_we_need_more_fairness.html

OBAMA IS THE 99% WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING HIS MONEY FROM CHARITY

Democrats are notoriously stingy with their own money.But the sky’s the limit when they’re spending ours.
http://dailycaller.com/2012/01/24/obama-is-the-99-when-it-comes-to-keeping-his-money-away-from-charity/

PRESIDENT FOOD STAMP STILL THINKS AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE STUPID
About 42% of them are.
http://www.redstate.com/scipio62/2012/01/25/president-food-stamp-still-thinks-american-people-stupid-republican-and-tea-party-responses/

OBAMA USES STATE OF THE UNION TO RAISE CASH
It’s who he is–it’s what he does.

http://www.whitehousedossier.com/2012/01/25/obama-state-union-raise-cash/

OBAMA’S OPEN BUFFET

http://spectator.org/archives/2012/01/25/obamas-open-buffet

REID SUPPORTS RULES CHANGE TO AVOID FILIBUSTER OF NOMINEES

Reid,you toad-faced little twerp,you won’t be majority leader much longer.What do you plan to do?Change the rules again when Republicans are in the majority?

http://thehill.com/homenews/senate/206381-reid-supports-rules-change-to-eliminate-filibuster-of-nominees

OBAMA PRAISES SEALS AFTER DARING RESCUE OF U.S. AID WORKER IN SOMALIA

I’m sure he gave his approval for the raid.What a brave leader he is.I caught the Hannity rerun at 1AM as I was getting ready for work.Fat-face Luntz had his focus group and two Obamabots,one black woman and one white guy both brought up that Obama ‘got’ Bin Laden.This will be a recurring theme in the upcoming Obama ‘can we bullshit enough people again’ campaign.

http://thehill.com/blogs/defcon-hill/operations/206383-obama-praises-special-forces-after-rescue-of-aid-worker-in-somalia

PRINCESS BOTOXIA THINKS SHE HAS THE DIRT ON NEWT

Democrats are famous for holding back dirt until they can use it to screw their opponents.
Remember Mark Foley?They held on to his suggestive e-mails until the day after the deadline for getting someone else on the ballot in 2006.With the media beating the story to death,they managed to get a majority in the House they held until 2010.These people are scum,but they know how to win.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE GINGRICH ETHICS CASE

Just to set the record straight

http://campaign2012.washingtonexaminer.com/article/what-really-happened-gingrich-ethics-case/336051

THE PUNDITRY IS FUMING MAD AT VOTERS

Screw the pundits

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2012/01/the_punditry_is_fuming_mad–at_the_voters.html

BUTCH GETS UPSET OVER ‘SHINING CITY ON A HILL’ METAPHOR

I’d say she’s having a heavy flow day,but she’s always like that.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/msnbcs-maddow-gets-upset-over-shining-city-on-the-hill-metaphor/

TINGLES:I NEVER HEARD OF CONGRESSIONAL INSIDER TRADING UNTIL OBAMA MENTIONED IT TONIGHT

Thats why you’ll never be more than a third-rate talking head on a fourth-rate network.
Considering your dearth of talent and intellect,be grateful for keeping your job by constantly sucking up.

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2012/01/25/chris-matthews-i-never-heard-congressional-insider-trading-until-obam

STATE OF THE UNION STYLE–FIRST LADY WEARS BARBARA TFANK

Looks more like Tfunk to me.You didn’t think I’d ignore our favorite Wookie,didya?

http://www.philly.com/philly/entertainment/State-of-the-Union-style.html

The fun part of doing this is that I never know when I’m going to stop.That would be now.Thanks for visiting.

22 Comments

Filed under Abortion, Armed Forces, Barack Obama, Chris Matthews, Democrats, Funny Stuff, Harry Reid, Michelle Obama, Mitt Romney, Nancy Pelosi, Newt Gingrich, Republicans

by | January 21, 2012 · 10:35 am

Michelle Obama splurges on herself to make military feel better?

Just wondering about what kind of warm Christmas memories those military families have whose husbands and fathers had to leave their families to go do “Barry-the-Narcissist Goes Golfing on Christmas Day” security duty.

2 Comments

Filed under Armed Forces, Barack Obama, Funny Stuff, Michelle Obama

by | January 20, 2012 · 2:41 pm

THE FRIDAY GRUDGE

Posted by Pistol Pete

Besides trying to inform,entertain and maybe make you laugh,one of the things I enjoy about posting here is reading about what you think.I’m assuming there are few if any other men on this board and I was surprised at the reaction you had to Marianne Gingrich grousing about the woman who stole the man she stole from his first wife.

I married my first wife when I was 24 and she was pregnant.That’s how it was done back then.I thought I could get along with anyone,but she was as immature as I was.

It was about five years after my divorce that I met my second wife who was 10 years my junior with a three year old boy.She worked two days a week as a nurse and I worked a full time job and delivered pizzas on weekends to give her whatever she wanted.She convinced me to legally adopt her son after about 7 years of marriage because her ex was a deadbeat dad.

Unbeknownst to me she hooked up with a guy from our church who was even lazier and more worthless than she was.She convinced a judge her son was afraid of me,although I never went anywhere without him.I paid 25% of my income for 6 years,and haven’t seen him since 1992.He’ll be 31 on March 5.

My fishing partner’s wife had a best friend they introduced me to 18 years ago and we’ve been together since.We were in our 40’s and had no illusions about how hard a relationship could be.We’ve had disagreements,to be sure,but to my knowledge we’ve never had a serious fight.She claims one of the reasons she married me was because I made her laugh.It must be true because after 18 years she doesn’t laugh when I take my clothes off anymore.

She has a son and a daughter she raised for many years after her ex walked out on them.Her daughter tries to keep in touch for holidays and birthdays,but my stepson will have nothing to do with him for any reason.I’m the only grandpa their kids know.

My stepson has a daughter,16 and a son,14 and you already know about Miss Isabel and Miss Olivia,who are my stepdaughter’s little gifts from God.

In Romans Jesus said ‘all have sinned and come short of the glory of God.’ None of us are perfect and sometimes you have to try more than once to get it right.That’s why I can’t be too judgemental of Newt.Christians aren’t perfect,but we are forgiven.

A YEAR FROM TODAY
Hopefully we can evict Obozo from the Hate Whitey House

http://spectator.org/blog/2012/01/20/a-year-from-today

OBAMA:IT’S THE PRESS’S FAULT THAT I’M SEEN AS COLD AND ALOOF
and incompetent,feckless,arrogant,clueless,empirical,clownish,dangerous, boorish,ne’er-do-well,racist,hateful and an insufferable turd.

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2012/01/obama_its_the_presss_fault_im_seen_as_cold_and_aloof.html

THEY’VE STARTED A NEW REALITY SERIES:AMERICAN ASSHOLE–HERE’S THE WINNER

THE MYTH OF NEWT:THE GREAT DEBATER
He knew that first question was coming so he could hit it out of the park.

http://www.americanthinker.com/2012/01/the_myth_of_newt_the_great_debater.html

ONLINE ACTIVISTS TRIUMPHANT AS CONGRESS BURIES PIRACY BILLS
Reid pulled the bill and skulked back into the shadows like the yellow rat bastard he is.

http://thehill.com/blogs/hillicon-valley/technology/205371-online-activists-triumph-as-congress-buries-piracy-bills

ROMNEY SCHOOLS OCCUBAGGER

WITH KEYSTONE XL, OBAMA MASK SLIPS ON JOBS,ENERGY

http://finance.townhall.com/columnists/johnransom/2012/01/20/obama_mask_slips_on_jobs_energy

WHY USE DESPICABLE,CLUELESS LEFT-WING MEDIA TO MODERATE REPUBLICAN DEBATES?

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2012/jan/20/hurt-why-use-despicable-clueless-left-wing-media-m/

SUPREME COURT SENDS BACK TEXAS REDISTRICTING MAPS
You may not realize how significant this can be.The Texas court,packed with liberals, tried to change the map the republican-dominated legislature had drawn up to give additional districts to majority black and Hispanic areas.This has been happening all over the country since the electoral tsunami of 2010.

http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/redistricting/205357-supreme-court-sends-judge-drawn-maps-back-in-texas-redistricting-case

A GOP CANDIDATE’S BITTER EX-WIFE GETS MORE COVERAGE THAN A VIDEO OF OBAMA DINING WITH TERRORIST-SUPPORTERS

Ladies,was it just me,or did her being dressed in black and having the background blacked out so only her head was visible look like something from a 50’s science fiction TV show?

http://www.americanthinker.com/2012/01/a_gop_candidates_bitter_ex-wife_receives_more_coverage_than_a_video_of_obama_dining_with_terrorist_s.html

OK,YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING–WE’VE ALL SEEN IT.I ASK YOU–DO YOU THINK A DEBATE WITH ‘THE CHOSEN ONE’ WOULD GO LIKE THIS?REALLY?

ON THIS DAY IN 1981,THIS MAN WAS INAUGURATED–20 MINUTES LATER IRAN RELEASED THE AMERICANS THEY HELD HOSTAGE FOR 444 DAYS.WE’LL NEVER SEE HIS LIKE AGAIN.

I’M STARTING TO WARM UP TO THIS GUY

CARNEY:OBAMA’S TIME IN CAMPAIGN MODE IS ‘VERY SMALL’
Just every waking moment.

http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/205423-carney-obamas-time-in-campaign-mode-is-relatively-small

AFTER RAISING INCOME TAXES BY 67% ILLINOIS STILL $8.5 B IN DEBT

There was an article a couple weeks ago about thousands of people who won money in the Illinois lottery getting their checks–which promptly bounced.The comptroller called it a ‘bookkeeping error’ and said the state would make good.However the bank fees for checks people had written after they deposited the state checks were the peoples’ problem.

http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2012/01/after-increasing-income-taxes-by-67-illinois-is-still-8-5-billion-in-debt/

I TURNED ON FOX WHEN I GOT HOME FROM DELIVERING PAPERS THIS MORNING AND THE CRISCO KID WAS ON WITH STEVE AND BRIAN.THIS WOMAN IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HER MIND.CHECK THIS VIDEO:

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/fox-host-cant-contain-frustration-during-actual-eye-rolling-interview-with-debbie-wasserman-schultz/

READ A 12-YEAR OLD’S LETTER ABOUT HIS BATTLE WITH CANCER
It could restore your faith.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/read-a-12-year-olds-gripping-letter-about-his-cancer-battle-i-hope-my-story-has-shocked-you/

FAKE E-MAIL SENT TO SOUTH CAROLINA:CNN NEWS ALERT–GINGRICH PRESSURED EX-WIFE TO HAVE AN ABORTION

If you ever get to the point you think the left can’t get any dirtier,think again.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/fake-cnn-news-alert-gingrich-pressured-ex-wife-to-have-an-abortion/

RUSH:CNN’S JOHN KING SENDS A MESSAGE

http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/daily/2012/01/20/cnn_s_john_king_sends_a_message

NEW TEAM OBAMA RE-ELECTION GIMMICK:IS AMERICA A POST-RACIAL SOCIETY?

http://www.lloydmarcus.com/?p=2547

GOP PLOTS PATH AROUND PRESIDENT ON KEYSTONE PIPELINE
http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/01/gop-plots-path-around-president-on-keystone-pipeline/

HOPE YOU ENJOY THESE DORITOS ADS

4 Comments

Filed under Abortion, Barack Obama, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Elections, Funny Stuff, Iran, Keystone Pipeline, Media Bias, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Occupy Movement, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Supreme Court, Talk Radio, Taxes, U.S. Congress

by | January 17, 2012 · 11:00 am

Barack’s Toys

Chrissy’s Site Bites: http://news.webshots.com/photo/2294977120056011884kBjFkA

Terrell: http://terrellaftermath.com/

Click on graphic to embiggen.

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Filed under Funny Stuff, National Debt

by | January 14, 2012 · 10:03 am

THE SATURDAY GRUDGE

Posted by Pistol Pete

ONLY THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL FWOTUS’S BIRTHDAY.IF WE ALL CHIP IN WE CAN BUY HER AN OLD COUNTRY BUFFET.NOT A MEAL,THE WHOLE RESTAURANT.

It’s Saturday,nobody around so I thought I’d have some fun.You have to click on some of these video links because I don’t know how to embed.Quit griping–it’s worth it.

OBAMA CAMPAIGN TO HOST DANCE PARTY IN BOSTON
This is a serious article.They could call it “Un-American Blandstand.”
Featuring rap and hype-hope music.
http://www.therightscoop.com/obama-campaign-to-host-dance-party-in-boston/


VIDEO:SHARPTON ATTEMPTS TO TRASH O’KEEFE STING
If homeboy don’t win no journamalistic awards,y’all are a bunch of rich,white cracker-ass honkies!Feel me?

http://www.breitbart.tv/al-sharpton-attempts-to-trash-okeefe-sting/

PRESIDENT GIVES THE MASSES AN OBJECT LESSON

Isn’t it a little late for show and tell?

OPRAH CALLS OBAMA ‘MASTURBATE READER’

Oops–that’s ‘masterful leader’–my bad

http://www.breitbart.tv/oprah-on-obama-masterful-leader/
CRISCO KID: “NATURAL HOME” FOR MINORITIES IS THE DEMOCRAT PARTY

She’s either got pictures of Barack with another man or Michelle mainlining Twinkies.
I can’t think of any other reason she’s the head of the DNC.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2012/01/13/wasserman_schultz_natural_home_for_minorities_is_the_democratic_party.html

VIDEO:WALLY THE WALRUS WARNS OBAMA: ‘THERE ARE ENOUGH PISSED OFF PEOPLE WHO WILL GO SOMEWHERE ELSE’

We all wish you’d go elsewhere,you fat tub of goo.

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2012/01/13/moore_warns_obama_there_are_enough_pissed_off_people_that_will_go_somewhere_else.html

16 Comments

Filed under Al Sharpton, Barack Obama, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Democrats, Funny Stuff, Islam, Michael Moore, Newt Gingrich

by | January 12, 2012 · 2:00 am

Laughing My Australia Off!

Got this in email …

__________________________________________________

These Questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe …  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is … Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.   You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it inAustralia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

3 Comments

Filed under Funny Stuff

by | January 7, 2012 · 12:05 pm

Blizzard claims another victim

When the guys got together for poker on Friday night, one of the regulars was missing.

“Where’s Frank?” Charlie asked.

“In the hospital,” Joe said. “He’s recovering from a heart attack.”

“Holy crap!” Hank said. “How’d that happen?”

“It was that blizzard,” Joe said. “Frank’s doctor warned him his heart was weak, and he had to avoid all strenuous activity. He said absolutely no snow shoveling.”

“Guess Frank didn’t listen to him,” George said.

“Sure he listened,” Joe said. “Frank’s no idiot.”

“So what happened?” Charlie asked.

“Well,” Joe said, “when we had all that snow yesterday, Frank said he didn’t know what to do. His wife can’t shovel ’cause she’s got a bad back, and Frank can’t shovel ’cause he’s got a bad heart, and they can’t afford to buy a snowblower. Then that lazy good-for-nothing teenage son of theirs suddenly pipes up, ‘Don’t worry, Mom and Dad — from now on I’ll do all the shoveling.’ Frank had a heart attack on the spot.”

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Filed under Funny Stuff

by | December 30, 2011 · 1:41 pm

The 12 thank-you notes of Christmas

Dec. 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise! That sweet little partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic gift! Thank you, and bless you.
Your deeply loving
Emily

Dec. 26
My beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!
With undying love,
Emily

Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.
Your devoted
Emily

Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly — they make telephoning almost impossible — but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course.
Love,
Emily

Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to wring their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. She’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily

Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily

Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS! This morning I woke up to find seven swans, all trying to get into our goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, STOP!
Emily

Jan. 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows? Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.
Emily

Jan. 2
Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do less and less, kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
Emily

Jan. 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile, the neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I hope you’re satisfied.
Emily

Jan. 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I shall never speak to you again.

Jan. 5
Sir:
My client, Miss Emily Wellington, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 6:00 this morning of the entire percussion section of the London Symphony Orchestra, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
Yours faithfully,
Samuel Edelstein, Attorney-at-Law

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Filed under Funny Stuff, Holidays

by | December 26, 2011 · 2:59 pm

Why the office Christmas party was cancelled

December 6
To: All Employees
I’m happy to announce that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23 at Billy Bob’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and the local River City Ramblers Bluegrass Band will be playing traditional Christmas carols. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 7
To: All Employees
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. So from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa. There will be no Christmas tree and no Santa Claus, and no Christmas carols will be sung. Happy holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 9
To: All Employees
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request; but don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 13
To: All Employees
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gay men may sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men; each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 16
To: All Employees
Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Billy Bob’s Open Pit whether you like it or not! You can just sit at the table farthest from the “Grill of Death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, y’all hear me?
Patty Lewis
The Bitch from Hell

December 19
To: All Employees
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her nervous breakdown. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the psych ward at St. Luke’s Hospital. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Terri Jones
Acting Human Resources Director

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Filed under Funny Stuff, Holidays

by | December 25, 2011 · 11:28 pm

Occupy the Christmas tree!

What happens when you hang kitty toys all over your tree.

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Filed under Funny Stuff, Holidays